Growth comes from accepting the good and the not so good

We expect others and the world to be what we want it to be, but the reality is, the world and the people in it are a mixture of both good and bad. We think of ourselves ideally and because of the fear of rejection, we hide or deny who we really are. We see others as ideally and when they disappoint us, we are shocked. We think “I expected you to be this perfect person! How could you disappoint me like this?” When we see the bad parts of self or others as negative, failure, or weakness, we get angry, punish and condemn self or others with guilt and shame. When we do this, we are “splitting” good and bad. Accepting the good and bad co-exist in each of us, is living in reality. Each of us can work towards the goal of accepting the good and bad parts in ourselves and in others, and to have loving correction in our relationships.

Much effort is required for us to grow. Growth does not occur over night and the principle is the same for personal growth. Growth is a process and requires learning new skills and practicing them over time in order to sort out our issues.

To begin, we surrender and confess.  We humble ourselves and we accept the reality of our inability and weakness. We are acknowledging we cannot fix our selves. We are saying to God “Lord, I want YOU to be my source and provider”. As we confess those things we have kept hidden and expose them to the light, God cleanses, heals and transforms us with His grace and truth. We begin to receive acceptance from His love that moves us out of hiding and into healthier relationships. We need the encouragement from others so we can learn to internalize God’s forgiveness and love.

Second we must learn to give and receive grace. We must forgive other people who have sinned against us.  It is difficult for us to forgive because our sinful nature wants to control the outcome. We still want to judge others. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. When we try to hold onto our bitterness, we remain a slave and forever connected to the one who has caused us pain. When we forgive, we free ourselves and the healing process begins.

Third we must bring our negative feelings that are hidden into the light.  Many people hide or deny their negative feelings like sadness, anger, and fear. Sadness is a sign of being hurt and suffering loss. Sadness helps us to let go of the pain. When people deny their sadness, they become unable to love and their hearts become “harden”. Sadness keeps us in touch with our tenderness and sensitivity. Tenderness sensitivity is relational aspects of God’s character. If we can’t feel sad, we become rigid, and coldhearted. When we lose our tenderness and sensitivity, we can no longer feel Godly sorrow and grieve over our own sin. We must protect our sadness to keep our heart healthy.

Anger is our most basic negative emotion. Anger tells us that something is wrong: we have little self-worth because we were treated unfairly or devalued, we were controlled or manipulated, we were not validated or respected, or we sense danger of losing something that matters to us.

Fear is a negative emotion that signals danger. The danger may be real or imaginary, but we must be aware of our fear to work through it. Fear gets us in touch with our vulnerability, inability, and our need for God and others. The Bible tells us to “fear not” because God will protect us. If we are afraid and not trusting in God, we have to depend on our own ability to win in every situation.

Negative feelings are valid, but we must not let our emotions rule over us. Instead we press on toward our goal of restoration and reconciliation. When we deal with the fractured parts of ourselves, we can be renewed, restored, transformed, and made whole.  Begin to see your failures and weaknesses as something to learn from.