Understanding Discipline

To help us develop discipline, we need a source outside of ourselves until we develop self-control. God provides more than one source of discipline. First, He corrects us directly and we learn from the consequences for our failure to obey. Second, people are a source of discipline. We need honest, caring, and perceptive people who will love us enough to correct us when we stray off the growth path. Third, reality is also a source of discipline. God is a creator and He designed how things work within his creation. When we disobey or ignore principles, we feel the effects of poor choices.

Pain is part of the process of growth: For discipline to be effective requires us to experience consequences which are painful. Pain is a gift because it signals a problem for us to give our attention to. God, people, and reality give us that pain in the correct dosages for us to see what’s really going on, so we can correct ourselves. The pain may come in different dosages or types according to our needs. A person with a teachable spirit may need less for them to get the message. On the other hand, those with a strong-willed attitude may need more. For pain to be effective, the pain must be appropriate and requires care. Always offer truth with grace first by giving encouragement and support. Stay away from judging and condemning terms. Be direct and clear. Be sensitive to the emotional state of a person because we can bear only so much truth. Let the person know how his or her behavior affects others. When words are not enough, establish boundaries. It is important to note that there are other types of pain other than the pain of discipline, like losing a loved one.

Guidelines for discipline: Some people are critical to the point of hurting others. Some people refrain from confronting people. How do we know what to correct and what to let go with so many extremes on both sides? Here is a brief list of guidelines for how to think about discipline: First we find problems arising from ignorance. Some people are just not aware of the issues. It’s not that they deny or resist, they just don’t know they are a problem. Next, lack of structure: Some people do not have the internal structure to confront problems with others, stay focused on goals, make good choices, or think long-term. Discipline becomes very necessary for them because it helps to create the structure they lack. Third is under developed character: Because of long standing immaturities such as devaluing love, irresponsibility, self-centeredness, passivity, controlling, perfectionism, and emotional detachment, often results in relational difficulty, financial struggles, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and others.

Blockages to the growth process: Sadly, we all tend to sabotage the growth process. We attempt to remove a bad aspect of ourselves and project them on to others: Denial is not admitting the truth about a problem. There are two types of denial. One is when we keep something hurtful away from our awareness and the other is when we fail to take responsibility for something. Next is rationalization. We make excuses for our problems to avoid responsibility. Next, is minimization: To minimize is to lessen the perception of the problem, or dilute it. Last, is to blame: Blame is to divert the responsibility from one to another. Moving through the growth process is learning to internalize the process. It means a person had made the discipline experience a part of them. They no longer need the external structure and pain, because they have taken in the lesson and grown from it.