There are seven false attitudes and actions we “do” to finding safe relationships. These are things “not to do” because they increase conflict, hurt and isolation.
• Doing the Same Thing: When we neglect the past, we are doomed to repeat it. Because we have learned “familiarity” and we are “comfortable” with the behavior patterns from past relationships, we can get stuck into a cycle and repeat history. We have to look at the signs, results and fruit the relationship is producing and ask ourselves, if we are repeating a pattern of picking the same, unsafe people.
• Doing the Opposite: Many times we tend to make extreme moves based on pain and confusion. We switch our problems with new problems! This is a dynamic called “splitting”. We see our relationships as “all-good” and another as “all-bad”. This is a black-and-white way of relating to others. We can learn to identify the unsafe traits in people, and see them more for “just their badness” and work on developing the relationship, instead of “trading in” for a new one.
• Doing too Much: Keeping busy with activities can be important to develop skills or for entertainment and recreation purposes. But in just “doing things”, we tend to avoid closeness and miss relationship connection opportunities.
• Doing Nothing: Some people are unable to take the initiative to start and develop new relationships. They know what to do, but they cannot follow through. They may have some abandonment issue, or were some how punished for taking initiative. Some people are passive because they were trained not to do anything until told to do so. They may be passive because of low self-esteem or have some fantasy and want to be rescued. If we want to connect with those that have our best interest, we must take steps to be pro-active and take a risk and try new relationships.
• Doing for Others: Always being the “giver” and “doing things”, sometimes keeps us from being in touch with our own needs. God wants us to give, serve and help others but not out of our emptiness, loneliness or need to be loved. We are to give out of a grateful heart. Our motives will dictate our behavior. Finding Safe People is not a search for a ministry, but a search for spiritual survival. It is not a way to be useful, but a vital part of growth.
• Doing “Cosmetic Personality Surgery”: To be true to one’s self is who you are in your heart. If we try to spice up our social life by people pleasing and pretending to like things we really don’t like, then we are making “external connections” only. To be “internally connected”, we have the freedom to be the unique person God created us to be without fears and anxiety.
• Doing Without: God hurts for our loneliness. After we have tried all of the other false solutions, we start giving up on hope for a safe relationship. God wants us to know there is a path of life. His path is safe and He will walk it with us (see Psalm 16:11).
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