Walls vs. Boundaries

A wall confines you to a past that cannot be changed and guarantees a future of more of the same. A boundary can open up the future, because it marks a change from the way things have always been done in the past. Both provide some type of protection, but the protection of a wall limits all the positive outcomes, whereas a boundary has unlimited potential to secure a future of hope and healing.

Walls are about living in the past: Walls see other people as all-bad. People who create walls try to control everything and everybody around them instead of controlling the one thing they have control over: self. Walls are constructs of isolation and loneliness. Walls prevent you from building healthy connections and community. A wall cuts you off from all options and keeps you needlessly confined to the traumas of the past. Living in the past does not allow recognition of the fact that time has moved on. Staying stuck in the past is self-imposed, needless prison, confining a person to attitudes and limitations that have no basis in their present reality. Things that were feared before no longer have power if one lives in the present and not in the past. If you build a wall around your past, you are essentially protecting your past rather than yourself. If you are feeling anger, fear, or guilt, there is a good chance you building a wall to hide behind, preventing others from knowing the truth about you.

Boundaries are about personal responsibility: Boundaries are created because a person has discovered the truth about themselves and has acted upon it. Boundaries are not built on anger, fear, and guilt. Boundaries grow out of a new willingness to try something different that might help them to move beyond their negative emotions. Boundaries require courage. Brave people set up boundaries that lead them into a new territory that is full of healthy options and meaningful relationships. A boundary is not a wall. Boundaries keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in. Boundaries are portable; you can take them with you, just like your skin protects what’s inside you because it creates a healthy barrier, insulating you from the unhealthy elements of life. A boundary is about taking personal ownership and responsibility for that which belongs to you including what you think, feel, and do. It is a statement of what I will do, what I have chosen, and what will be the outcome on my part, whether or not the other person gets the help or makes the changes needed. A boundary setting person understands they cannot change their past. They do what they can do today, to make a better future. A boundary protects you by leaving the past behind.

Everyday living: Walls are about having a victim mentality. Walls are used to make demands on the other person or nag them about the changes they should make. This approach causes the other person to build up defenses. A boundary works much more positively. It challenges the other person to drop the defenses and look at what needs to be changed. A wall is a barrier, whereas a boundary is a beginning of a whole new attitude and a new way of being. A Boundary stops you from walking into walls and allows you to walk into the future with God and others in a healthy, life giving-giving community. Walls are something you need to get past. You have to tear them down, go around them, or climb over them. They are to be overcome and shattered so you can move on. You can stop walking into walls when you learn to set healthy boundaries.