Why Anger Lingers

Rationalizations that perpetuate anger: Facing reality is difficult. We may really want to change but we resist the idea of hard work. It requires persistent effort and willingness to restructure the thoughts and perceptions that guide and direct us. When we cling to anger in spite of potentially helpful knowledge and insights, it is usually due to making excuses to avoid the hard work of change. Instead of admitting that we have chosen to react in anger, we would rather believe, “My anger is in me because of someone else’s problems.” 

My past is too painful: Most people with long-standing anger problems have an emotional history full of pain. Most commonly, angry people recall having a parent with a foul temper. Later in life, these same people have similar painful experiences in their adult lives with spouses, relatives, or close friends. After years of enduring attacks, futility settles in, causing a pessimistic “what’s–the-use?” mind-set to guide their emotions. To get beyond a painful past, we must humbly admit our inability to control others. This requires us to accept a difficult notion: Pain is inevitable, cannot be fully controlled or eliminated, and sometimes is almost unbearable. You cannot control the past, but you can choose a new direction for yourself.

Forgiveness is too good: The ultimate goal in anger management is to drop the anger and instead, choose forgiveness. But what happens when the person to be forgiven has done nothing to deserve that forgiveness? We cling to anger because forgiveness seems to let others off the hook too easily. Certainly the person being forgiven can choose to feel a sense of relief and can decide to mend his or her erroneous ways. However, there is no guarantee this will always occur, but we are still potentially assisting others in their spiritual growth when we choose to forgive. An ever higher motive to forgive is that it pleases God when we yield to His guidance. Forgiveness honors Him.

Why should I try when nobody else does? Anger reduction is much easier when everyone involved makes equal effort toward harmony. But that’s not very likely in many cases. Usually, one person lags behind the efforts of another. They cling to their anger, because they perceive things are not fair. We ask for more trouble when we require fairness as a prerequisite for anger management. You may really want to resolve the problem, but in light of the other person’s stubborn ignorance you stay stuck in your anger, waiting for him or her to make the right move. You can move forward, but to do so, you’ll have to drop the idea that things must be fair.

Anger is a familiar habit: Just as we can become addicted to alcohol, food, or materialism, we can also become addicted to anger. Some people seem to enjoy staying angry. Anger has become a core element to their identity. Inwardly, something tells them that their anger is harmful, yet it is such a familiar habit they wouldn’t know how to think or act without it. They’re angry response far exceeds the importance of the conflict at hand. While you cannot dictate which emotions will or will not enter your mind, you have a choice about the intensity of that emotion. To reduce anger, take responsibility by allowing God to guide your emotions and take personal accountability for your own choices.