We are meant to have connection and intimacy with God and with people and if we do not, we experience isolation. Interpersonal traits describe, “How we connect”. These traits are about how people operate in relationships, how they move close or pull away, and how they build up or destroy.
• Unsafe People avoid closeness instead of connecting. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection. People, who are not able to connect, often act out that isolation in addictions, affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidence and trusts.
• Unsafe People are only concerned about “I” instead of “We”. Unsafe people are self-centered. A safe person is relational and has concerns and empathy for others. Empathy involves letting go of your opinion and what you need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person to attempt to understand how they feel, believe and think.
• Unsafe People resist freedom instead of encouraging it. In the “eyes” of unsafe people, you become bad for being separate from them. Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment: when one person is swallowed up into the needs of another.
• Unsafe People flatter us instead of confronting us. An unsafe person can make you feel very good and a safe person can make you feel bad. A safe relationship is not just about trust, support and sharing. They are also about truth, righteousness, and honesty. People who confront us help us to grow and protect us from our self-destruction. Strokers idealize us, and avoid truth by exclusively praising us. As long as you feel good, they’re happy.
• Unsafe People condemn instead of forgiving. A forgiving person is a safe person. They see our wrong, yet love us and accept us anyway. That relational love helps to heal us and transform us into the person God intended.
• Unsafe People stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They don’t agree with our right to our opinion, they do not trust our judgments, and our decisions. Safe people love to see us grow, mature and do not withdrawal from our adultness.
• Unsafe People are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
• Unsafe People are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
• Unsafe People gossip instead of respecting one’s privacy.
Which of these traits have you seen in your self and in your relationships?
January 18, 2012
January 13, 2012
Personal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships
Unsafe people have traits that describe who they are and what makes them unhealthy to other people. These are the “warning signs” of unsafe people. As you develop skills to discern the character of others, you will be able to distinguish the safe from the unsafe.
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
January 12, 2012
Defining Unhealthy Relationships
The problem isn’t our need for friendship and connection. God created us in His image with a desire for a relationship with Him and others.
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
December 19, 2011
Obedience helps us grow
To grow spiritually, we must be God directed, not self-directed. The choice to follow God’s direction becomes a lifestyle of trusting Him and pursuing His ways. We cannot grow spiritually without obedience. Obedience has to do with submitting our purpose, values, and choices to God. Obedience integrates all of life, encompassing all of us, both the internal (character) and the external (behavior). The Bible teaches and guides us in all areas of life: money, ministry, gifts, marriage, sex, and so on. Emotional, relational and personal growth relates to spiritual growth as we develop Christ like character qualities. Obedience requires an object. We need to know whom and what to obey. The following are sources to help us grow:
The Commands in the Bible are a foundational source for growth in obedience. The Bible has a great number of universal commands, laws, and principles for how to live our lives. The Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:3-17) and the two Great Commandments given to us by Jesus, (see Matthew 2:36-40) sum up the Law. Reading the Bible and Bible study are very valuable and helpful ways to understand about God’s laws and principles of how things work in His Kingdom and what is required from us. When we are meditating on God’s Word, the Holy Spirit will give us direction and understanding. The Holy Spirit not only guides us to truth and the revelation of God’s Word, but also directs those who seek His guidance to specific areas of obedience (see Mark 13:11). For example He may direct a person to take a risk in a relationship and deepen emotional intimacy in some area.
Authority is a system designed by God and helps us to grow. We should follow the leadership of the church and its teachers, as long as it is biblical appropriate. For example, a small group leader might have insights and suggestions that can help us through personal issues. Another source is God places people in our life to help us grow. God speaks to us in safe relationships through which He may direct us to confront an issue, confess some brokenness, or deal with some problem or circumstance. Also, be aware that God may arrange events to help you grow in perseverance through difficult circumstances and issues. These different sources of instruction are not in conflict or fragmented. God is One, and the universal meaning of One is unity. He is integrated without conflict or contradiction. If you sense conflicts in the above areas and are not sure how to obey God, ask God to help you find His voice among the many. Look for conformation through other biblical leaders and teachings. Always allow for God’s timing and that the process of change and growth takes time.
The person who is growing needs to understand the importance of obedience. The following are the essential tasks for the grower: Surrender to the Lordship of Christ. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life the way God had designed it to work. Follow Him Daily. Look at obedience as a daily and continuous process. Watch out for compartmentalizing your growth, going from one small group meeting to the next. Always keep your heart attentive to what God might be saying to you in the Bible, by the Spirit, from His people, or in circumstances. Deal with your character issues. Obeying God is being honest about sin and your inabilities, confessing them, turning from them, and then turning towards God for the answers.
The Commands in the Bible are a foundational source for growth in obedience. The Bible has a great number of universal commands, laws, and principles for how to live our lives. The Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:3-17) and the two Great Commandments given to us by Jesus, (see Matthew 2:36-40) sum up the Law. Reading the Bible and Bible study are very valuable and helpful ways to understand about God’s laws and principles of how things work in His Kingdom and what is required from us. When we are meditating on God’s Word, the Holy Spirit will give us direction and understanding. The Holy Spirit not only guides us to truth and the revelation of God’s Word, but also directs those who seek His guidance to specific areas of obedience (see Mark 13:11). For example He may direct a person to take a risk in a relationship and deepen emotional intimacy in some area.
Authority is a system designed by God and helps us to grow. We should follow the leadership of the church and its teachers, as long as it is biblical appropriate. For example, a small group leader might have insights and suggestions that can help us through personal issues. Another source is God places people in our life to help us grow. God speaks to us in safe relationships through which He may direct us to confront an issue, confess some brokenness, or deal with some problem or circumstance. Also, be aware that God may arrange events to help you grow in perseverance through difficult circumstances and issues. These different sources of instruction are not in conflict or fragmented. God is One, and the universal meaning of One is unity. He is integrated without conflict or contradiction. If you sense conflicts in the above areas and are not sure how to obey God, ask God to help you find His voice among the many. Look for conformation through other biblical leaders and teachings. Always allow for God’s timing and that the process of change and growth takes time.
The person who is growing needs to understand the importance of obedience. The following are the essential tasks for the grower: Surrender to the Lordship of Christ. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life the way God had designed it to work. Follow Him Daily. Look at obedience as a daily and continuous process. Watch out for compartmentalizing your growth, going from one small group meeting to the next. Always keep your heart attentive to what God might be saying to you in the Bible, by the Spirit, from His people, or in circumstances. Deal with your character issues. Obeying God is being honest about sin and your inabilities, confessing them, turning from them, and then turning towards God for the answers.
December 14, 2011
Failure helps us grow
The life that God would have for us requires obedience to His ways. Obedience is more than simply adhering to specific commands, but rather a way of life that will bring you good fruit and good success. Obedience therefore, is for our own good. Life works better if it belongs to God. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life as He has designed. For some, making Christ Lord of your life is a clear and defined decision. For others, it is a gradual process of increasingly surrendering your life to Him. Either way, spiritual growth leads you towards making God the center and purpose of your life.
Growth is a process and we sin and fail in many ways. God has taken this into consideration in His growth plan for us. God uses our failures to help restore, grow and mature us. Even though seemingly unfair to some, the reality is we are going to fail and because it is our free will and choice to do so, it is our fault. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God’s standard for life. Several spiritual growth approaches try to resolve this dilemma. Some may believe we do not have to fail. We can always be victorious in Jesus by truly making Him Lord of our lives. This approach concludes the person who fails has not totally surrendered themselves to God. It is reasonable to say that this sometimes can be the case, but the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life (see Romans 7:15-19). Supporters to this school of thought do not fully accept that the struggle with sin is a part of the human experience. Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity: it is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. The reasoning here is the more you grow, the less you sin. Therefore the mature person does not sin a lot. While we are always learning and growing, and that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present, as in the case of the chief of sinners, the very mature apostle Paul himself (see 1Timothy 1:15). Still yet another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. They admit failure happens but that the failure isn’t so bad and that the sin and mistakes are not significant. This is a weak view of sin (see Romans 6:23). A similar teaching believes that though we fail, it really isn’t our fault. Instead of taking responsibility for one’s own sin, the blame goes to those who have taught us and made us who we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God Himself. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices (see 2Corithians 5:10).
The Bible’s teaching is much stricter than the approaches above. The reality is we fail, we have a problem we cannot solve, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. His death is the redemption of our sin and weaknesses. Throughout life we learn to strengthen our faith in His love and forgiveness without resorting to our own efforts. In this sense, our failures bear fruit in a deeper walk with Him. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf; be reconciled to God. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God” (2Cornthians 5:20-21). We need to be aware of all failure when it arises, and be in a safe place to address it.
Growth is a process and we sin and fail in many ways. God has taken this into consideration in His growth plan for us. God uses our failures to help restore, grow and mature us. Even though seemingly unfair to some, the reality is we are going to fail and because it is our free will and choice to do so, it is our fault. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God’s standard for life. Several spiritual growth approaches try to resolve this dilemma. Some may believe we do not have to fail. We can always be victorious in Jesus by truly making Him Lord of our lives. This approach concludes the person who fails has not totally surrendered themselves to God. It is reasonable to say that this sometimes can be the case, but the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life (see Romans 7:15-19). Supporters to this school of thought do not fully accept that the struggle with sin is a part of the human experience. Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity: it is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. The reasoning here is the more you grow, the less you sin. Therefore the mature person does not sin a lot. While we are always learning and growing, and that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present, as in the case of the chief of sinners, the very mature apostle Paul himself (see 1Timothy 1:15). Still yet another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. They admit failure happens but that the failure isn’t so bad and that the sin and mistakes are not significant. This is a weak view of sin (see Romans 6:23). A similar teaching believes that though we fail, it really isn’t our fault. Instead of taking responsibility for one’s own sin, the blame goes to those who have taught us and made us who we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God Himself. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices (see 2Corithians 5:10).
The Bible’s teaching is much stricter than the approaches above. The reality is we fail, we have a problem we cannot solve, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. His death is the redemption of our sin and weaknesses. Throughout life we learn to strengthen our faith in His love and forgiveness without resorting to our own efforts. In this sense, our failures bear fruit in a deeper walk with Him. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf; be reconciled to God. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God” (2Cornthians 5:20-21). We need to be aware of all failure when it arises, and be in a safe place to address it.
December 7, 2011
Understanding Obedience
For many people, obeying God and the Bible is a life of being deprived of doing any “fun stuff.” They see God as a cosmic kill joy, withholding any pleasure out of life. They would have to adhere to rules and be self-disciplined. Obedience is at the core of spiritual growth. Obedience does not come naturally; in fact, obedience is anything but easy or simple. In the Bible, to obey means to hear and do. Hearing and doing are deeply interrelated: “It is the Lord your God you must follow and Him you must revere (worthy of great honor). Keep His commands and obey (hear) Him; serve Him and hold fast to Him” (Deut. 13:4). When we hear God as He is, rather than as we desire Him to be, we move toward consistent obedience. For us to grow spiritually, we must be God directed, not self-directed. The choice to follow God becomes a life style and your life’s direction. Obedience is to look outside of self for purpose, values, and decisions. We come to the place after the world has taken its toll on us, and we accept that our way does not work, and that God’s way is the best way to experience life. As we conduct life the way God would have us do it, life works better. Obedience is for our own good. We cannot live apart from God because He is the reason for living.
Obedience integrates all of life, encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience has to do with submitting our bodies, soul (mind, will & emotions), and spirit to the leading of the Holy Spirit and Jesus as Lord. Obedience has to do with learning about your character weaknesses and dealing with them. God asks for no less than total commitment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment” (Mark 22:37-38). There is nothing more important and nothing more demanding. It requires our total being which then saves our lives. “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8:35).
Obedience operates through the process of confession and repentance and keeps us on the growth path. For example, most people who avoid deep connections with others have trust issues. They may want to connect but have fears of being hurt or controlled. They want to play it safe but then they become lonely. This conflict disrupts our relationships at work, marriage and friendships. As we enter into the growth process with safe people, we become aware of these two conflicted areas of the heart. Here is where the two types of obedience help us heal and grow: We can begin to commit to the external behavior of staying in contact with people like a church small group. This external commitment keeps us from isolating ourselves and avoiding the loneliness. At the same time, we obey internally by confessing the fears of closeness and the desire to be distant (see James 5:16). As we do this in the safe place of trustworthy friends, we receive their support and encouragement to help integrate the two conflicted areas. We repent by turning from our old ways and begin learning new skills and abilities like boundaries so we set limits on others so we won’t be controlled. We learn to be vulnerable and yet free in our relationships. This is why people pursuing spiritual growth often feel as if they have “come alive” when they see that God speaks to their emotional, personal, and relational lives as well as their spiritual lives. This external and internal nature of obedience helps us to grow up. It helps us to integrate different parts of our character that conflict with one another.
Obedience integrates all of life, encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience has to do with submitting our bodies, soul (mind, will & emotions), and spirit to the leading of the Holy Spirit and Jesus as Lord. Obedience has to do with learning about your character weaknesses and dealing with them. God asks for no less than total commitment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment” (Mark 22:37-38). There is nothing more important and nothing more demanding. It requires our total being which then saves our lives. “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8:35).
Obedience operates through the process of confession and repentance and keeps us on the growth path. For example, most people who avoid deep connections with others have trust issues. They may want to connect but have fears of being hurt or controlled. They want to play it safe but then they become lonely. This conflict disrupts our relationships at work, marriage and friendships. As we enter into the growth process with safe people, we become aware of these two conflicted areas of the heart. Here is where the two types of obedience help us heal and grow: We can begin to commit to the external behavior of staying in contact with people like a church small group. This external commitment keeps us from isolating ourselves and avoiding the loneliness. At the same time, we obey internally by confessing the fears of closeness and the desire to be distant (see James 5:16). As we do this in the safe place of trustworthy friends, we receive their support and encouragement to help integrate the two conflicted areas. We repent by turning from our old ways and begin learning new skills and abilities like boundaries so we set limits on others so we won’t be controlled. We learn to be vulnerable and yet free in our relationships. This is why people pursuing spiritual growth often feel as if they have “come alive” when they see that God speaks to their emotional, personal, and relational lives as well as their spiritual lives. This external and internal nature of obedience helps us to grow up. It helps us to integrate different parts of our character that conflict with one another.
November 29, 2011
How to develop Spiritual Poverty
The more we are in need, the more God can grow us up. Spiritual poverty is a requirement for spiritual growth. Becoming poor in spirit is one of the most unnatural things we can do. It is the opposite of being victorious and “having it all together.” Yet it is our only hope for spiritual growth. Our task is to accept that we already are poor and in need, whether we already know it or not. It is better to seek this quality ourselves than be forced to face it by difficult circumstances. The following are some ways we can develop this internal capacity:
Ask God to show you where you are weak. Being in touch with your spiritual poverty is a gift from Him because you can begin to partner with God during the growth process and because it accomplishes the purposes of His kingdom. To grow closer to God, ask Him to bless you with spiritual poverty for “theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).
Be honest. Look closely at those negative things you might be avoiding. Take a truthful look at your past and present life. Look for patterns of avoiding pain, denying problems, staying away from hurtful people, and trying to put a positive spin on negative things in your life. Be honest about tendencies to shy away from need and to move towards self-sufficiency. Realize that spiritual poverty is actually a blessed state and the only way to receive God’s growth and healing. Adopt that attitude towards yourself and God.
Read what the Bible has to say about spiritual poverty. Look up terms such as poor in spirit, needy, and brokenhearted, and learn what the Bible teaches about them. Look up the dynamics of God’s relationship with Israel in the Old Testament. God was not pleased when Israel was rebellious and unconcerned with His ways. When Israel cried out for help and mercy, God was tender and listened to them. Notice the difference how Jesus dealt with those who were wanting and needy, and those who thought very highly of themselves like the Pharisees, the religious people of His day. The Bible provides a great amount of evidence that spiritual poverty is an essential element of growth.
Ask for feedback from others. A common characteristic of hungry people is that they surround themselves with others to help them with their dependency towards God. For them, the Christian life is one in which people get together, share their vulnerabilities, and fill each other up. Begin to own your issues of weakness and neediness and ask God and others to help work them out. Confess and admit you can’t change them in your own power, and that you need outside resources to help you.
Seek out your brokenness with your whole heart. Let the experience affect the heart, not just be another lesson of the mind. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience, involving negative feelings such as dependence, grief, and remorse. Our goal is to become integrated, having the heart and the head in agreement with each other. Seeking this experience is seeking God: “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deuteronomy 4:29). God likes our neediness. Take a step of faith and open your soul to God and safe people. Spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what He has for us.
Ask God to show you where you are weak. Being in touch with your spiritual poverty is a gift from Him because you can begin to partner with God during the growth process and because it accomplishes the purposes of His kingdom. To grow closer to God, ask Him to bless you with spiritual poverty for “theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).
Be honest. Look closely at those negative things you might be avoiding. Take a truthful look at your past and present life. Look for patterns of avoiding pain, denying problems, staying away from hurtful people, and trying to put a positive spin on negative things in your life. Be honest about tendencies to shy away from need and to move towards self-sufficiency. Realize that spiritual poverty is actually a blessed state and the only way to receive God’s growth and healing. Adopt that attitude towards yourself and God.
Read what the Bible has to say about spiritual poverty. Look up terms such as poor in spirit, needy, and brokenhearted, and learn what the Bible teaches about them. Look up the dynamics of God’s relationship with Israel in the Old Testament. God was not pleased when Israel was rebellious and unconcerned with His ways. When Israel cried out for help and mercy, God was tender and listened to them. Notice the difference how Jesus dealt with those who were wanting and needy, and those who thought very highly of themselves like the Pharisees, the religious people of His day. The Bible provides a great amount of evidence that spiritual poverty is an essential element of growth.
Ask for feedback from others. A common characteristic of hungry people is that they surround themselves with others to help them with their dependency towards God. For them, the Christian life is one in which people get together, share their vulnerabilities, and fill each other up. Begin to own your issues of weakness and neediness and ask God and others to help work them out. Confess and admit you can’t change them in your own power, and that you need outside resources to help you.
Seek out your brokenness with your whole heart. Let the experience affect the heart, not just be another lesson of the mind. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience, involving negative feelings such as dependence, grief, and remorse. Our goal is to become integrated, having the heart and the head in agreement with each other. Seeking this experience is seeking God: “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deuteronomy 4:29). God likes our neediness. Take a step of faith and open your soul to God and safe people. Spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what He has for us.
November 21, 2011
Spiritual Poverty helps us Grow
To come to know Jesus and have faith in Him, we must first admit we are broken. Spiritual poverty therefore, is required for saving faith. No one can become a Christian who does not admit, at some level, that they are lost and hopeless to free themselves from the bondages and penalty of sin. (See Romans 3:22-23). However, what often happens is that we accept Christ as Savior because of our brokenness, and then we live our Christian lives as if we were whole. Just as much as we have God dwelling inside us, every one of us still has unfinished parts that need to become mature and complete. This is the process of being sanctified that is, set apart, and become more like Jesus in righteousness and holiness. This is why the Bible teaches us to continue in the faith walk as we began it: “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him” (Colossians 2:6). Spiritual poverty is a rich part of the spiritual growth process. Here is how:
Poverty drives hunger. Spiritual poverty develops a hunger for God. Spiritual poverty drives us to find solutions for our neediness and ultimately, to develop a total dependence on God. Those who know they are truly needy are more motivated to look beyond themselves to the Lord. For example those in need often become humble in spirit because of their difficulties. For them, it is a short step to finding God in many ways. There is a strong correlation between those who are humble and those who seek God. You can’t stop a needy person from grasping onto God, while many people in less severe circumstances easily fall away. This is a paradox in the Bible: the more broken we are, the more God can grow us up. Spiritual poverty helps us to establish a loving and worshipful relationship with God and His ways.
Relationship is the fuel of life. Spiritual poverty keeps us living relationally with others. One of the blessings of spiritual poverty is that it helps restore to us God’s design of a relationally based life. Spiritual poverty and brokenheartedness drive us to emotional connectedness, both to God and to safe people. We grow when we maintain deep, vulnerable relationships with others. We need to internalize great amounts of relationship throughout our lifetime to persevere and to grow.
November 18, 2011
Elements for Growth
Just as a plant needs sunlight, water, and soil to grow, we need elements to grow emotionally, relationally and spiritually. Grace invites us into relationship, tells us we are forgiven and accepted. Truth gives us structure and direction that tells us we have purpose and destiny. Time allows for growth so we can practice grace and process truth. Independently these elements are not sufficient for complete growth. When these elements work together, we can grow more fully into the image of God.
God knows the real you, and loves you anyway. Grace forgives us of all our sins, saves us from eternal death, gives us an inheritance in heaven, makes us one with Christ, imparts His divine nature, gives us His Spirit, and blesses us with every spiritual blessing. We find acceptance from God because of what Jesus did on the cross: unmerited favor and forgiveness through salvation. Grace is much more than just being forgiven. Not only is grace is unconditional, unbroken, uninterrupted, and unearned love that accepts into relationship, but grace is God’s empowerment. We are saved and stay saved by grace and we can also live like Christ. Grace gives us the desire and the power to please God and live righteously. Grace is reflected and can be seen in the life of a believer. God’s grace divinely influences the heart and the inward change from faith, transforms our outward behavior.
Truth is necessary for growing up in the image of God. Truth is structure and gives us guidance of how to live our lives. Truth brings awareness. It exposes us for what we really are. The heart is deceitful but truth reveals the motive behind the action, attitude, and feeling. Truth develops and cultivates maturity, discipline, responsibility and stability. Our tendency is to hide the “unsafe” parts of us that are undeveloped. As we passionately seek truth in our “inner being”, we learn to hate what He hates and loves what He loves. “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).
Grace sanctifies us and makes us Holy in the sight of God. But we are not to take God’s gift of grace for granted. While grace provides love and acceptance, grace without truth is license. “You my brothers were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature” (Galatians 5:13). For truth to be accepted, we must first accept grace. The law points us to Jesus because He offers us the plan of redemption. If we do not allow God to live in our hearts, we cannot be changed into His image and in essence we become religious by obtaining only the knowledge of God. Truth without grace is legalism or the law. The law says: an eye for an eye. I will treat you the way you treat me. If you are loveable, I will love you. If you are not lovable, I will withdraw my love. The law is conditional and is based on performance rather than favor. Grace and truth are designed by God to work together. Our God is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). If we are “being transformed into His likeness” (see 2 Corinthians 3:18) then we are taking on the character and nature of God. When we think like God and talk like Jesus, we are imitators of God and we will not live like non-believers of the world. Living in grace and truth is having the ability to walk in the power of God’s nature by proclaiming with words, the message of the Word of God.
Time is a necessary element for growing up in the image of God. When time is combined with God’s grace into relationship and truth for direction for our lives, we have all the elements to not only be healed but to grow (bear fruit). An infant, for example, cannot handle solid food until their digestive system has had time to develop. The concrete foundation of a house needs to harden before the frame can be added. How you live your life shows your character. We live in a culture that loves short cuts. Most often short cuts result in failure. “Easy come, easy go” as some would say. Satan offers quick get rich schemes; God offers the blessings of long-time faithfulness. Diet fads are tempting with quick weight loss, but such diets do not develop the long-term discipline needed to maintain weight loss. Drugs and alcohol offer relief from pain and suffering but do not build character and stability. Anything worth having takes energy or some type of cost. “We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised” (Hebrews 6:12). Growth comes with confession, forgiveness, and consistency. Deep growth and meaningful relationships come with much effort, over and over, and over again.
Believe it, think it, and say it: I believe the Word of God that I am perfectly loved, accepted, forgiven, blessed and set apart for His special purpose. Grace and truth is working in me. In His perfect timing, He will finish what He started. I live by the promises of God, and by the Holy Spirit strengthening me today, In Jesus’ name, Amen.
November 15, 2011
Understanding Spiritual Poverty
Spiritual poverty is experiencing the reality of our condition. But many do not believe that a major reason to grow is that we are in a deep and severe state of neediness and incompleteness. Yet the Bible teaches that all of us are in this state. Paul’s personal anguish over his inability to do the right thing (Romans 7:15-24) illustrates how much every person needs God’s grace and mercy. Not everyone is aware of his or her neediness, however some are. Jesus described those who are aware of their neediness as poor in spirit: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).
Spiritual poverty helps us to live in reality: When we are comfortably independent, it is easy to avoid our need for God. Spiritual poverty is about living in reality. A good way to understand this is to think of spiritual poverty as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs, emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, and our own immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience their neediness, incompleteness, and dependency at a deep level, that is, the way they really are, they are often over-whelmed. Spiritual poverty then, is the cure for self-righteousness, self-centeredness, and many others problems and issues. When the “eyes of our heart” are opened to the truth, we do not feel better about ourselves; rather we feel something is terribly wrong. Jesus calls this a “blessed” condition because it helps us to recognize that God is our source of healing, and the hope of a better life.
Brokenheartedness: Brokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. When our heart is broken, it is a state of being wounded or crushed by some loss, hurt, injustice, situation or circumstance. When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he or she is brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Brokenheartedness often brings about a sense of our spiritual poverty because it reveals our neediness.
Spiritual poverty helps us grow: Spiritual poverty is a rich part of the spiritual growth process. Spiritual poverty helps us grow because it is literally “lacking in spirit”. The more we are broken, the more God can grow us up. The Greek term for “spirit” used in Matthew 5:3 (“Blessed are the poor in spirit”) is the word indicating the spiritual dimension of life. In other words, the experience of poverty is both practical and spiritual. Awareness of our being incomplete orients us toward God and His ways, where He awaits us with all we need to repair, heal, grow, and mature. Poverty of spirit requires more of us than admitting that we are incomplete and needy. It also affects our entire being, especially our heart. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience involving feelings such as dependence, grief and remorse. Our goal is to become integrated. That is, having the heart and head in alliance with each other. God reminds us time and time again that He likes neediness. Our life experiences might tell us to avoid a needy position. If so, take a faith step and open your soul up to God and safe people because spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what He has for us. Can you accept that your neediness is a gift?
Spiritual poverty helps us to live in reality: When we are comfortably independent, it is easy to avoid our need for God. Spiritual poverty is about living in reality. A good way to understand this is to think of spiritual poverty as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs, emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, and our own immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience their neediness, incompleteness, and dependency at a deep level, that is, the way they really are, they are often over-whelmed. Spiritual poverty then, is the cure for self-righteousness, self-centeredness, and many others problems and issues. When the “eyes of our heart” are opened to the truth, we do not feel better about ourselves; rather we feel something is terribly wrong. Jesus calls this a “blessed” condition because it helps us to recognize that God is our source of healing, and the hope of a better life.
Brokenheartedness: Brokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. When our heart is broken, it is a state of being wounded or crushed by some loss, hurt, injustice, situation or circumstance. When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he or she is brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Brokenheartedness often brings about a sense of our spiritual poverty because it reveals our neediness.
Spiritual poverty helps us grow: Spiritual poverty is a rich part of the spiritual growth process. Spiritual poverty helps us grow because it is literally “lacking in spirit”. The more we are broken, the more God can grow us up. The Greek term for “spirit” used in Matthew 5:3 (“Blessed are the poor in spirit”) is the word indicating the spiritual dimension of life. In other words, the experience of poverty is both practical and spiritual. Awareness of our being incomplete orients us toward God and His ways, where He awaits us with all we need to repair, heal, grow, and mature. Poverty of spirit requires more of us than admitting that we are incomplete and needy. It also affects our entire being, especially our heart. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience involving feelings such as dependence, grief and remorse. Our goal is to become integrated. That is, having the heart and head in alliance with each other. God reminds us time and time again that He likes neediness. Our life experiences might tell us to avoid a needy position. If so, take a faith step and open your soul up to God and safe people because spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what He has for us. Can you accept that your neediness is a gift?
November 10, 2011
We grow as we develop Godly character
The Word of God is our standard in which to live and grow up into. Biblical standards grow out of love (grace), discipline (truth), principles (fundamental law), and character (integrity). A person’s character is in essence, the features, qualities and traits of one’s nature. There is worldly character and there is Godly character. Godly character is a reflection of God’s own nature. The purpose of character training is that we be transformed to the image of Christ and be His image bearers. Jesus reflects the Father’s image: “Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father” (John 14:9).
Everyone has three images. The first is the projected image: the way you want others to see you. Second is the perceived image: how other people see you. The third image is your actual image: who you really are. Your character reveals who you really are and your innermost being; all of your thoughts, words, actions, motives, intents, and purposes. Worldly character is prideful with selfish ambition, full of fraud and deceit, boastful and envious.
Bad company corrupts good character. When God’s Word is rejected, and His principles violated, we are left with our own human reasoning and there is no sin that cannot be rationalized away. The Bible tells us what to expect: “In the last times there will be scoffers who follow their own ungodly desires. These are the men who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit” (Jude 1:18-19). The Bible gives this warning to those who refuse to follow His Word: “Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7).
Grace and truth is the foundation for our growth and development. Grace is the reason for our existence and purpose: loving relationship with God and other people, and taking on His character. Love motivates to do things because we want to, not because we ought to. We are to build our lives on Jesus. “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted (foundation) and built up in Him (character), strengthened in faith, as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Colossians 2:6-7).
Godly character is the result of the strength of integrity in you. Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. How we live every moment of every day shapes our character and our character determines our future, destiny, and legacy. “Be very careful then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the lord’s will is” (Ephesians 5:15-17).
The Lord’s will for us is that we follow His ways and pursue Him. As we follow, He reveals His plan for us. Along our journey we experience hardships and setbacks. Our experiences in life become our lessons in life. Our setbacks prepare us for a comeback. Our struggles, difficulties, and other challenges are designed by God to lead us towards excellence (virtue) and to develop Godly character. The Bible teaches us to live righteously: “Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature” (Galatians 5:16).
Suffering is a part of life: it is non-optional. Great adversity brings us a great advantage. We can learn to understand God’s purpose for suffering: God gets our attention. Suffering conquers our pride and keeps us humble. Suffering is God’s call for self-examination and to reevaluate our priorities. Suffering is a reminder of our weakness and our dependence on Him.
Suffering is a way for God to purify our faith, make us accountable and test our work. God uses our experiences (past) and circumstances (present) to produce character (future). "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4). Every problem and difficulty area of our lives is the environment that God uses for us to excel and to teach how to respond to life’s difficulties.
Suffering is a way for God to purify our faith, make us accountable and test our work. God uses our experiences (past) and circumstances (present) to produce character (future). "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4). Every problem and difficulty area of our lives is the environment that God uses for us to excel and to teach how to respond to life’s difficulties.
November 9, 2011
Seven essential Godly character qualities
The goal of learning should be to develop Godly character. There are three major reasons why we must learn character. First it reveals the nature of Christ who is the perfect fulfillment of each quality. Second, it is the basis for success in life. Third, it explains why things happen to us (principle of cause and effect). The number seven in the bible refers to spiritual perfection. The following are seven essential Godly character qualities for us to practice.
Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money” (1 Timothy 3:1-3). People who are involved in personal growth are maturing, and strengthening their own character capacities. God wants us to develop character and He uses difficult people or situations to bring about lessons of character development.
Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of we, instead of it being all about self. “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and Godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope – the glorious appearing of our great God and savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good” (Titus 1: 11-14). Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own.
Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. “Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment” (Proverbs 12:19). “Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.” Godly character is being that who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. Their actions are fair, sincere, bold, and honest. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).
Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness, that comes from the heart. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. To start, the very least one must verbally express appreciation. To take it up a notch, one would give a hand written note. Better yet is sending a gift or doing something in return. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. “Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord, rejoice” (1Chr 16:10). Worshiping and serving God, and giving to others, touches the heart of God and releases power into your life. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have. Be thankful for favor and blessings God has given you instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Have an attitude of gratitude.
Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility. “Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Godly character comes from cultivating daily habits. The result of those habits is evidence in your character. “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22).
Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures. David said to God: “I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity” (1 Chronicles 29:17).
Wisdom: Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. “To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech” (Proverbs 8:13). Wisdom is righteous and just: those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding”. The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. “I wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion” (Proverbs 8:11). Knowledge and understanding come from seeking wisdom. “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you” (Proverbs 4:7-8).
Godly character is the result of being excellent in all that you say and do. “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness” (James 3:17-18). Everything in life is a result of your character. Expect to have problems and fix them: don’t fix the symptoms. ”The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out” (Proverbs 10:9). When we do not learn character lessons early in life, they will be repeated later on in life.
November 8, 2011
Understanding Discipline
To help us develop discipline, we need a source outside of ourselves until we develop self-control. God provides more than one source of discipline. First, He corrects us directly and we learn from the consequences for our failure to obey. Second, people are a source of discipline. We need honest, caring, and perceptive people who will love us enough to correct us when we stray off the growth path. Third, reality is also a source of discipline. God is a creator and He designed how things work within his creation. When we disobey or ignore principles, we feel the effects of poor choices.
Pain is part of the process of growth: For discipline to be effective requires us to experience consequences which are painful. Pain is a gift because it signals a problem for us to give our attention to. God, people, and reality give us that pain in the correct dosages for us to see what’s really going on, so we can correct ourselves. The pain may come in different dosages or types according to our needs. A person with a teachable spirit may need less for them to get the message. On the other hand, those with a strong-willed attitude may need more. For pain to be effective, the pain must be appropriate and requires care. Always offer truth with grace first by giving encouragement and support. Stay away from judging and condemning terms. Be direct and clear. Be sensitive to the emotional state of a person because we can bear only so much truth. Let the person know how his or her behavior affects others. When words are not enough, establish boundaries. It is important to note that there are other types of pain other than the pain of discipline, like losing a loved one.
Guidelines for discipline: Some people are critical to the point of hurting others. Some people refrain from confronting people. How do we know what to correct and what to let go with so many extremes on both sides? Here is a brief list of guidelines for how to think about discipline: First we find problems arising from ignorance. Some people are just not aware of the issues. It’s not that they deny or resist, they just don’t know they are a problem. Next, lack of structure: Some people do not have the internal structure to confront problems with others, stay focused on goals, make good choices, or think long-term. Discipline becomes very necessary for them because it helps to create the structure they lack. Third is under developed character: Because of long standing immaturities such as devaluing love, irresponsibility, self-centeredness, passivity, controlling, perfectionism, and emotional detachment, often results in relational difficulty, financial struggles, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and others.
Blockages to the growth process: Sadly, we all tend to sabotage the growth process. We attempt to remove a bad aspect of ourselves and project them on to others: Denial is not admitting the truth about a problem. There are two types of denial. One is when we keep something hurtful away from our awareness and the other is when we fail to take responsibility for something. Next is rationalization. We make excuses for our problems to avoid responsibility. Next, is minimization: To minimize is to lessen the perception of the problem, or dilute it. Last, is to blame: Blame is to divert the responsibility from one to another. Moving through the growth process is learning to internalize the process. It means a person had made the discipline experience a part of them. They no longer need the external structure and pain, because they have taken in the lesson and grown from it.
Pain is part of the process of growth: For discipline to be effective requires us to experience consequences which are painful. Pain is a gift because it signals a problem for us to give our attention to. God, people, and reality give us that pain in the correct dosages for us to see what’s really going on, so we can correct ourselves. The pain may come in different dosages or types according to our needs. A person with a teachable spirit may need less for them to get the message. On the other hand, those with a strong-willed attitude may need more. For pain to be effective, the pain must be appropriate and requires care. Always offer truth with grace first by giving encouragement and support. Stay away from judging and condemning terms. Be direct and clear. Be sensitive to the emotional state of a person because we can bear only so much truth. Let the person know how his or her behavior affects others. When words are not enough, establish boundaries. It is important to note that there are other types of pain other than the pain of discipline, like losing a loved one.
Guidelines for discipline: Some people are critical to the point of hurting others. Some people refrain from confronting people. How do we know what to correct and what to let go with so many extremes on both sides? Here is a brief list of guidelines for how to think about discipline: First we find problems arising from ignorance. Some people are just not aware of the issues. It’s not that they deny or resist, they just don’t know they are a problem. Next, lack of structure: Some people do not have the internal structure to confront problems with others, stay focused on goals, make good choices, or think long-term. Discipline becomes very necessary for them because it helps to create the structure they lack. Third is under developed character: Because of long standing immaturities such as devaluing love, irresponsibility, self-centeredness, passivity, controlling, perfectionism, and emotional detachment, often results in relational difficulty, financial struggles, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and others.
Blockages to the growth process: Sadly, we all tend to sabotage the growth process. We attempt to remove a bad aspect of ourselves and project them on to others: Denial is not admitting the truth about a problem. There are two types of denial. One is when we keep something hurtful away from our awareness and the other is when we fail to take responsibility for something. Next is rationalization. We make excuses for our problems to avoid responsibility. Next, is minimization: To minimize is to lessen the perception of the problem, or dilute it. Last, is to blame: Blame is to divert the responsibility from one to another. Moving through the growth process is learning to internalize the process. It means a person had made the discipline experience a part of them. They no longer need the external structure and pain, because they have taken in the lesson and grown from it.
November 7, 2011
We grow through Covenant Relationships
The Bible is filled with covenants made between God and people. Six of those covenants were made with Old Testament figures: Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and David. The seventh was made with His own Son, Jesus Christ. God is always the strongest partner in a covenant relationship.
God made a covenant with Noah in order to preserve the human race. This covenant involved Noah's participation by building an ark. He'd never built an ark before. He'd never had a boat. It was a totally new concept to Noah and the rest of the world. Why would he need a boat in a dry land? Noah did not have to invent the ark; God gave him the plans - in specific dimensional detail. He did not have to gather the animals - God led them into the ark. God even closed the door when they all came on board. God made it rain to prove why the ark was needed. The covenant provided everything Noah needed to complete his mission in life. When God spoke to Noah to do this thing, he needed only to respond to God's call to do it. Noah could rest in knowing the covenant made with God would come to pass if he fulfilled his part. "But I will establish MY covenant with you, and you will enter the ark - you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you" (Genesis 6:18).
If you have entered into a covenant relationship with God, you too can be assured that God will uphold His part of the covenant relationship. He is committed to fulfilling His covenant with you and to fulfill His purposes in and through your life. It only requires one thing on your part: obedience. He will even provide to you grace and faith to help you fulfill your part of the covenant. Each of us has a covenant with God. But we also enter covenants with others in our personal and business lives. How are you doing in fulfilling covenants to others? God has given us the example to follow. Ask God if you have any unfulfilled covenants you need to honor. He has called you and me to be covenant keepers. “The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
God made a covenant with Noah in order to preserve the human race. This covenant involved Noah's participation by building an ark. He'd never built an ark before. He'd never had a boat. It was a totally new concept to Noah and the rest of the world. Why would he need a boat in a dry land? Noah did not have to invent the ark; God gave him the plans - in specific dimensional detail. He did not have to gather the animals - God led them into the ark. God even closed the door when they all came on board. God made it rain to prove why the ark was needed. The covenant provided everything Noah needed to complete his mission in life. When God spoke to Noah to do this thing, he needed only to respond to God's call to do it. Noah could rest in knowing the covenant made with God would come to pass if he fulfilled his part. "But I will establish MY covenant with you, and you will enter the ark - you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you" (Genesis 6:18).
If you have entered into a covenant relationship with God, you too can be assured that God will uphold His part of the covenant relationship. He is committed to fulfilling His covenant with you and to fulfill His purposes in and through your life. It only requires one thing on your part: obedience. He will even provide to you grace and faith to help you fulfill your part of the covenant. Each of us has a covenant with God. But we also enter covenants with others in our personal and business lives. How are you doing in fulfilling covenants to others? God has given us the example to follow. Ask God if you have any unfulfilled covenants you need to honor. He has called you and me to be covenant keepers. “The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
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