Defining Unhealthy Relationships

The problem isn’t our need for friendship and connection. God created us in His image with a desire for a relationship with Him and others.

We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.

When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.

If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?

Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.

• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.

• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.

• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.


Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?