Personal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships

Unsafe people have traits that describe who they are and what makes them unhealthy to other people. These are the “warning signs” of unsafe people. As you develop skills to discern the character of others, you will be able to distinguish the safe from the unsafe.

• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.

• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.

• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.

• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.

• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.

• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.

• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.

No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?