The Wall of Disconnected Isolation

Walls are limits that stifle change. Walls keep us from strengthening and developing our important relationships and our full potential. Walls are not permanent or impenetrable: “With your help I can advance against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall” (Psalm 18:29). Without people who help us to grow and staying isolated from those relationships that bring out the truth about ourselves, we don’t experience who we really are and we remain unaware of the areas in which we need to mature. Passivity and stagnation becomes comfortable so we stop pursuing the path of maturity and wisdom that God wants for us. Life may seem easier when we are alone but that is an illusion. Without the connectedness of others, we find our lives empty and we stop thriving.

Root cause: People who have developed disconnected lives rarely see the need to change. Disconnected isolation is often rooted in rejection. They did not plan to be disconnected or isolated, but after experiencing enough rejection and humiliation from family or others, they withdrew behind the wall of isolation as a self-protection against further hurt and so the pattern is set. The inability to empathize with another’s pain is a common cause of disconnected isolation. Once people sense that you are not sensitive to the reality of their pain, it is likely they will not want to continue to deepen the relationship. This lack of empathy can stem from being overly focused on one’s own pain and issues, or a disregard for the other person’s value. You can get so caught up in your own sufferings that you no longer care about the plight of others. Another disconnector may be your own neediness. If you are in some kind of continual pain, you may be projecting a clinging type of neediness that will drive others away. They cannot meet the demands that you put on the relationship, so they reject you.

Take a look at yourself: We relate in the ways we have been taught or modeled for us. If what we have learned has not been healthy, often we usually repeat the same relational errors because that’s all we know. We are convinced that what we have learned is how relationships are meant to work. If you are willing to open up to a trusted friend or group, and allow them to give you some honest feedback to help you uncover the truth, you may discover that you lack an understanding of your roles in relationships. Sometimes, we think it is our role to lead when it would be better to cooperate. We may find that we are too dominate or too passive, too demanding or too subservient, too self-protecting or too revealing. Taking a hard look at yourself may reveal how the roles you have taken, produce the results that you do not want.

Intimacy creates change: Hurts from the past keep us in isolation. We either attack others to keep them away or, withdraw from them all together. We think our greatest need is to protect ourselves from further suffering, but it is not. Our real need is safe connections that help us to view the world in a different way. Staying stuck in the past will keep you running and bumping into walls until you open your eyes to the truth. As you relate to people who care for you and open themselves up, you begin to see your own flaws. Experiencing intimacy in healthy connections helps you to see the truth by enlarging your perspective. Healthy intimacy provides another person’s point of view, which opens your mind and heart to new ways of looking at the bigger picture. What reason are you avoiding intimacy?