Anger is a Choice: Why we struggle with Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. God always has purpose in what He designs. Whether it is spouse to spouse, parent to child, sibling to sibling, or friend to friend, the primary function of healthy, loving relationships is to have the other person’s best interest at heart, and to convey honor and respect. Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that defensiveness becomes the norm that makes them vulnerable to anger. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand what causes them.

We overinterpret rejection: A mother is afraid if she is too strong in disciplining her son, he will not like her. She compromises her principles, hoping to have fewer problems. A wife fears if she tells her husband what she really thinks, he will leave her. So she fearfully represses her needs, assuming his rejection would render her helpless. When we overinterpret rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to pounce. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not have to let the rejection from another to be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. When someone attempts to invalidate your feelings you need not enter a power play. You can let allow others their freedom to thinks as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own viewpoint. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than deferring to someone else’s agendas.

We are uncertain of others’ motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

We forgot God is in charge: We can choose to let our emotions be dictated by humans’ opinions or God’s opinion. When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. We can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and all. We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. “In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”(Psalm 56:4). Drawing upon God’s strength requires a God-focus and God centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness.  How would life change if you become less consumed with fears and instead begin to trust in God?