Change on the inside produces growth on the outside. Often enough, when we think of sin, we think of it outwardly or in external terms. But just as fruit comes from the tree, behavior is rooted internally. What is in the heart comes out in our thoughts, feelings, and actions. “As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man” (Proverbs 27:19). Whatever the root will reproduce itself as fruit. Good or bad, whatever is on the inside will someday show itself on the outside. “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean’. For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man unclean’ (Mark 7:20-23). Many illnesses, failures, addictions, relationship difficulties, and destructive behaviors originate from these motivators hidden in the heart.
Life without God: Without God we try to find what we lack by searching for fulfillment in ways other than what He would have us do. Worldly success, work, materialism, and sex are some of the ways of trying to find meaning and purpose in life instead of seeking the One who designed and created life. Jesus had this to say about the religious people of his day: “Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also?” (Luke 11:39-40). It boils down to the problem of dependency. Sin is failing to depend on God and refusing His grace, forgiveness, and love. Getting our needs met in any other way besides God is idolatry and it never works. When we turn to God for relationship and depend on Him as the source of healing and growth, we put ourselves in a position to receive from Him. For life to work the way God had intended, we have to see God has the source of life.
The hurt is not the sin: The sin is the way the person deals with the pain and the emptiness. When we look beyond the choices made by others of how they sin and begin looking at why they sin, we can begin to see what is motivating and driving the sin. Things can happen to us because of the sin from another person and from sin in the world. Hurt and unresolved issues can turn into bitterness and addictions. Even though we may not have created all of the struggles and pain we might experience, it is our responsibility to turn to God and to receive His healing power and grace.
Repentance is the key: Repentance is the key that unlocks the door to the heart. When we look into the hidden, deep, and dark areas of ourselves and begin to resolve the issues that we find, will result in real, lasting transformation on the outside. If we are ever going to get well, we need the safety to look inside, confess what we find there, grieve it, and repent of it. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off the old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of our minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24). We have been made new from the inside out, and that process begins when we face the truth about the ugly things that are inside. “Putting off the old self” requires change. “Putting on the new self” requires you to grow. What needs changing on the inside? How are you depending on God to help you in your transformation from a life of sin to a life of righteousness and holiness?
February 29, 2012
February 22, 2012
Growth and the Blame Game
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as He was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.’ And He (God) said ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?’ The man answered, ‘The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate it” (Genesis 3: 8-13).
Blame from the beginning: Blame is part of mankind’s fall from grace. Instead of taking ownership for what they had done, Adam and Eve tried to shift the responsibility for what they had done, away from themselves. Trying to shift blame does not make us any less accountable. Blame is a human response, but death is human too and the Bible warns us when we try to explain our sin away, we will die. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). Sin kills and blame gives birth to sin. Blame continues its purpose to keep sin alive to prevent our spiritual growth and maturity. Blame keeps us from the full life that God has planned for each of us.
Getting to the root of motivation of our behavior: Often enough, we try to explain away our behavior for what did or didn’t happen during the growing up years and other past experiences. Others often say things like “I do that because my parents did this or that.” Getting to the roots of the motivations of our behavior and why we blame is very important. It helps to clarify the difference of being a victim and having a victim mentality. Many motivations or driving forces are not our fault: but our behavior ultimately becomes our adult responsibility over time. If a person had been treated poorly by another growing up, and that person now resists and hates all authority, the offense or abuse would explain part of the motivation behind the behavior. But having that background does not explain why he or she chooses to deal with the hurt in destructive manner. The only thing that can explain the motivation of the behavior is a fallen nature.
As we pursue spiritual growth, we submit the hurt and anger to the healing process and work it out without return evil for evil: “Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody"(Romans 12:17). “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). “Working it out” includes seeking healing for the hurt, getting resolution and forgiveness for the anger, and seeking reconciliation with those whom have hurt you as much as possible: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). In dealing with the hurts, issues, difficulties, failures, loss, and other motivations of destructive behavior, we have to remember that there is a difference between what happened to us and the choice we have of how to respond and deal with it.
How has playing the blame game stunted your growth? How has the blame game prevented you from hearing the Holy Spirit?
Blame from the beginning: Blame is part of mankind’s fall from grace. Instead of taking ownership for what they had done, Adam and Eve tried to shift the responsibility for what they had done, away from themselves. Trying to shift blame does not make us any less accountable. Blame is a human response, but death is human too and the Bible warns us when we try to explain our sin away, we will die. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). Sin kills and blame gives birth to sin. Blame continues its purpose to keep sin alive to prevent our spiritual growth and maturity. Blame keeps us from the full life that God has planned for each of us.
Getting to the root of motivation of our behavior: Often enough, we try to explain away our behavior for what did or didn’t happen during the growing up years and other past experiences. Others often say things like “I do that because my parents did this or that.” Getting to the roots of the motivations of our behavior and why we blame is very important. It helps to clarify the difference of being a victim and having a victim mentality. Many motivations or driving forces are not our fault: but our behavior ultimately becomes our adult responsibility over time. If a person had been treated poorly by another growing up, and that person now resists and hates all authority, the offense or abuse would explain part of the motivation behind the behavior. But having that background does not explain why he or she chooses to deal with the hurt in destructive manner. The only thing that can explain the motivation of the behavior is a fallen nature.
As we pursue spiritual growth, we submit the hurt and anger to the healing process and work it out without return evil for evil: “Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody"(Romans 12:17). “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). “Working it out” includes seeking healing for the hurt, getting resolution and forgiveness for the anger, and seeking reconciliation with those whom have hurt you as much as possible: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). In dealing with the hurts, issues, difficulties, failures, loss, and other motivations of destructive behavior, we have to remember that there is a difference between what happened to us and the choice we have of how to respond and deal with it.
How has playing the blame game stunted your growth? How has the blame game prevented you from hearing the Holy Spirit?
February 14, 2012
Life through the Spirit
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so He condemned sin in sinful man in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1-4).
What Doesn’t Work
The law shows us how we fail. It is ineffective in changing people’s lives. When we are “under the law”, we feel that God is mad at us and that we get what we deserve. We try whatever we think it will take to get God to like us. We try by our own efforts to change, grow and solve our problems. Being under the law is the system of following commandments to be good and acceptable, or not following the commandments and being bad and condemned. This simple formula is no problem. If we know what we “should” do, we should “just do it”, and then we have cured the problem of sin. But the problem is we have a sinful nature and that is a reality we cannot change.
This nature has a desire for the things that are not good for us. Even worse, not only do we have a desire for doing the things against the law, but the law itself arouses in us a passion to do the very thing we shouldn’t do: “So I find the law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members” (Romans 7:21-23). We have a sin nature, and this nature erupts by the commandments. We want to do what we should not do. Three common forms of teaching the law in Christian circles fail with those caught up in something they cannot stop: (1) Insisting they repent with harsh, angry preaching against sin. (2) Legalistic rules to keep people in line. (3) Telling people, even lovingly, that the “way” out is to make better choices. While all of these contain some truth, none of them work because all of them assume a person’s ability to choose rightly. The Bible teaches that this will not work in its self: we have a sin nature and the law arouses a person to sin.
What Does Work
To change in the areas that we want to grow, we must first admit we are unable to change them by ourselves. Trying to just do better does not work. We are powerless over sin and we need a savior. The law cannot help us but Jesus can. We are set free by having an ongoing relationship with Jesus, who has taken care of the guilt and condemnation of the law. This is the Good News: He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. While the law sets us up for failure, the Spirit sets us up for success. This means we begin to live according to relationship with the Holy Spirit that lives in us and through us and not the law. To repent means to change but more is required for change to be effective. We must live in alignment with the guidance and direction of the Spirit: we must hear and do what He says. He searches our hearts and shows us what to change. He leads and directs us to truth. He guards and guides us making known He is always there. He gives us gifts and abilities to do what we need to do. He teaches us and helps us in every area of life. He corrects us and convicts us when we are tempted. Begin to enter in the whole process of spiritual growth. Have an overall attitude towards transformation. God has already given you everything you need to succeed. Remember it is a process that takes time and requires discipline: “We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised” (Hebrews 6:12).
What Doesn’t Work
The law shows us how we fail. It is ineffective in changing people’s lives. When we are “under the law”, we feel that God is mad at us and that we get what we deserve. We try whatever we think it will take to get God to like us. We try by our own efforts to change, grow and solve our problems. Being under the law is the system of following commandments to be good and acceptable, or not following the commandments and being bad and condemned. This simple formula is no problem. If we know what we “should” do, we should “just do it”, and then we have cured the problem of sin. But the problem is we have a sinful nature and that is a reality we cannot change.
This nature has a desire for the things that are not good for us. Even worse, not only do we have a desire for doing the things against the law, but the law itself arouses in us a passion to do the very thing we shouldn’t do: “So I find the law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members” (Romans 7:21-23). We have a sin nature, and this nature erupts by the commandments. We want to do what we should not do. Three common forms of teaching the law in Christian circles fail with those caught up in something they cannot stop: (1) Insisting they repent with harsh, angry preaching against sin. (2) Legalistic rules to keep people in line. (3) Telling people, even lovingly, that the “way” out is to make better choices. While all of these contain some truth, none of them work because all of them assume a person’s ability to choose rightly. The Bible teaches that this will not work in its self: we have a sin nature and the law arouses a person to sin.
What Does Work
To change in the areas that we want to grow, we must first admit we are unable to change them by ourselves. Trying to just do better does not work. We are powerless over sin and we need a savior. The law cannot help us but Jesus can. We are set free by having an ongoing relationship with Jesus, who has taken care of the guilt and condemnation of the law. This is the Good News: He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. While the law sets us up for failure, the Spirit sets us up for success. This means we begin to live according to relationship with the Holy Spirit that lives in us and through us and not the law. To repent means to change but more is required for change to be effective. We must live in alignment with the guidance and direction of the Spirit: we must hear and do what He says. He searches our hearts and shows us what to change. He leads and directs us to truth. He guards and guides us making known He is always there. He gives us gifts and abilities to do what we need to do. He teaches us and helps us in every area of life. He corrects us and convicts us when we are tempted. Begin to enter in the whole process of spiritual growth. Have an overall attitude towards transformation. God has already given you everything you need to succeed. Remember it is a process that takes time and requires discipline: “We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised” (Hebrews 6:12).
February 8, 2012
Winning the War over Sin
We are born with a sinful nature. The Bible tells us we are responsible for our sin, we are accountable, and there are consequences: “For the wages of sin are death” (Romans 6:23a). Many well-meaning Christians will tell you to stop sinning and make better choices: just choose differently, do better and be successful. After all, God gave us a free will to make better choices and we are to follow Him and His ways. We make choices, but all the while we don’t really have freedom: we are held responsible.
The other side of the problem is the Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in and that we cannot change ourselves once we are in them. Paul writes that we are powerless and a slave to sin: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). So we are responsible for our sin and yet we are unable to change. We find ourselves in a moral dilemma so what can we do? We turn to the One who is the remedy: Jesus. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:1-2). This is the Good news: Jesus frees us from the prison of sin. When we realize that we are unable to free ourselves and we are powerless and responsible, we seek help outside of ourselves.
To summarize, we have a problem and the problem is we are sinners. Second, we are also responsible, and accountable for our sin. Third, we are unable to do anything about it, in and of ourselves. Trying to do better does not work. Fourth, Jesus is the solution providing the only way to change through the gift of salvation with grace and truth.
It is important to mention not all growth issues are the result of our own sin. All too often, people are often blamed for pain and struggles which they did not create. Other people sin against us and we live in a fallen world where there is suffering. When asked what sin caused a certain man to be blind from birth, Jesus said, “neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:3). Some things we just do not understand: “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law” (Deuteronomy 29:29).
We cannot stop sinning: we must be saved from it. Winning the war over sin includes the entire growth process itself as we are empowered by the Spirit. To achieve victory we need to change fully in all areas of life as we commit to the life of the Spirit. We begin when we admit we are powerless over sin: Confess your inability and submit to God’s authority over your life. Receive God’s forgiveness and forgive others. Ask others for help, receiving their support and encouragement. As you fail, repent and stay plugged into a supportive environment where you can overcome your fears and come out of denial. Seek healing for the hurting parts of yourself. As you do these things, long standing patterns of harmful behavior begins to change. Make sure you have a view of sin that is not just your external behavior but also the internal sin in your heart and mind.
The other side of the problem is the Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in and that we cannot change ourselves once we are in them. Paul writes that we are powerless and a slave to sin: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). So we are responsible for our sin and yet we are unable to change. We find ourselves in a moral dilemma so what can we do? We turn to the One who is the remedy: Jesus. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:1-2). This is the Good news: Jesus frees us from the prison of sin. When we realize that we are unable to free ourselves and we are powerless and responsible, we seek help outside of ourselves.
To summarize, we have a problem and the problem is we are sinners. Second, we are also responsible, and accountable for our sin. Third, we are unable to do anything about it, in and of ourselves. Trying to do better does not work. Fourth, Jesus is the solution providing the only way to change through the gift of salvation with grace and truth.
It is important to mention not all growth issues are the result of our own sin. All too often, people are often blamed for pain and struggles which they did not create. Other people sin against us and we live in a fallen world where there is suffering. When asked what sin caused a certain man to be blind from birth, Jesus said, “neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:3). Some things we just do not understand: “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law” (Deuteronomy 29:29).
We cannot stop sinning: we must be saved from it. Winning the war over sin includes the entire growth process itself as we are empowered by the Spirit. To achieve victory we need to change fully in all areas of life as we commit to the life of the Spirit. We begin when we admit we are powerless over sin: Confess your inability and submit to God’s authority over your life. Receive God’s forgiveness and forgive others. Ask others for help, receiving their support and encouragement. As you fail, repent and stay plugged into a supportive environment where you can overcome your fears and come out of denial. Seek healing for the hurting parts of yourself. As you do these things, long standing patterns of harmful behavior begins to change. Make sure you have a view of sin that is not just your external behavior but also the internal sin in your heart and mind.
February 7, 2012
Identifying false solutions to finding healthy relationships
There are seven false attitudes and actions we “do” to finding safe relationships. These are things “not to do” because they increase conflict, hurt and isolation.
• Doing the Same Thing: When we neglect the past, we are doomed to repeat it. Because we have learned “familiarity” and we are “comfortable” with the behavior patterns from past relationships, we can get stuck into a cycle and repeat history. We have to look at the signs, results and fruit the relationship is producing and ask ourselves, if we are repeating a pattern of picking the same, unsafe people.
• Doing the Opposite: Many times we tend to make extreme moves based on pain and confusion. We switch our problems with new problems! This is a dynamic called “splitting”. We see our relationships as “all-good” and another as “all-bad”. This is a black-and-white way of relating to others. We can learn to identify the unsafe traits in people, and see them more for “just their badness” and work on developing the relationship, instead of “trading in” for a new one.
• Doing too Much: Keeping busy with activities can be important to develop skills or for entertainment and recreation purposes. But in just “doing things”, we tend to avoid closeness and miss relationship connection opportunities.
• Doing Nothing: Some people are unable to take the initiative to start and develop new relationships. They know what to do, but they cannot follow through. They may have some abandonment issue, or were some how punished for taking initiative. Some people are passive because they were trained not to do anything until told to do so. They may be passive because of low self-esteem or have some fantasy and want to be rescued. If we want to connect with those that have our best interest, we must take steps to be pro-active and take a risk and try new relationships.
• Doing for Others: Always being the “giver” and “doing things”, sometimes keeps us from being in touch with our own needs. God wants us to give, serve and help others but not out of our emptiness, loneliness or need to be loved. We are to give out of a grateful heart. Our motives will dictate our behavior. Finding Safe People is not a search for a ministry, but a search for spiritual survival. It is not a way to be useful, but a vital part of growth.
• Doing “Cosmetic Personality Surgery”: To be true to one’s self is who you are in your heart. If we try to spice up our social life by people pleasing and pretending to like things we really don’t like, then we are making “external connections” only. To be “internally connected”, we have the freedom to be the unique person God created us to be without fears and anxiety.
• Doing Without: God hurts for our loneliness. After we have tried all of the other false solutions, we start giving up on hope for a safe relationship. God wants us to know there is a path of life. His path is safe and He will walk it with us (see Psalm 16:11).
• Doing the Same Thing: When we neglect the past, we are doomed to repeat it. Because we have learned “familiarity” and we are “comfortable” with the behavior patterns from past relationships, we can get stuck into a cycle and repeat history. We have to look at the signs, results and fruit the relationship is producing and ask ourselves, if we are repeating a pattern of picking the same, unsafe people.
• Doing the Opposite: Many times we tend to make extreme moves based on pain and confusion. We switch our problems with new problems! This is a dynamic called “splitting”. We see our relationships as “all-good” and another as “all-bad”. This is a black-and-white way of relating to others. We can learn to identify the unsafe traits in people, and see them more for “just their badness” and work on developing the relationship, instead of “trading in” for a new one.
• Doing too Much: Keeping busy with activities can be important to develop skills or for entertainment and recreation purposes. But in just “doing things”, we tend to avoid closeness and miss relationship connection opportunities.
• Doing Nothing: Some people are unable to take the initiative to start and develop new relationships. They know what to do, but they cannot follow through. They may have some abandonment issue, or were some how punished for taking initiative. Some people are passive because they were trained not to do anything until told to do so. They may be passive because of low self-esteem or have some fantasy and want to be rescued. If we want to connect with those that have our best interest, we must take steps to be pro-active and take a risk and try new relationships.
• Doing for Others: Always being the “giver” and “doing things”, sometimes keeps us from being in touch with our own needs. God wants us to give, serve and help others but not out of our emptiness, loneliness or need to be loved. We are to give out of a grateful heart. Our motives will dictate our behavior. Finding Safe People is not a search for a ministry, but a search for spiritual survival. It is not a way to be useful, but a vital part of growth.
• Doing “Cosmetic Personality Surgery”: To be true to one’s self is who you are in your heart. If we try to spice up our social life by people pleasing and pretending to like things we really don’t like, then we are making “external connections” only. To be “internally connected”, we have the freedom to be the unique person God created us to be without fears and anxiety.
• Doing Without: God hurts for our loneliness. After we have tried all of the other false solutions, we start giving up on hope for a safe relationship. God wants us to know there is a path of life. His path is safe and He will walk it with us (see Psalm 16:11).
January 27, 2012
Live an Exceptional Life through the Holy Spirit
It is God’s plan that you live an exceptional life. After Jesus reconciles you back into a relationship with God, He seals it with the promise of the Holy Spirit. “And you were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit” (Ephesians 1:13). He gives you the promise that He will complete the work He began in you: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on the completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). The desire to grow and the desire to move closer to God comes from His Spirit. If you are moving towards God it’s because He’s moving towards you.
The Holy Spirit gives you the security knowing that God is for you, not against you. God has given you everything you need to live the exceptional life. Growth begins in a secure relationship and that security comes from the work of the Holy Spirit. The very presence of God in you is the Holy Spirit. He gives you ability, wisdom, and what to say: “for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit” (Mark 13:11).
The Holy Spirit is your friend, He “partners” with you. He comes along side you and helps you. He searches your heart and shows you what to change: “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will” (Rom. 8:27). The Holy Spirit helps you: “but the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).
He leads you and guides you: “But when He, the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come” (John 16:13). He leads you to truth: “And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth” (1John 5:6b). He will correct you and convict you: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of all things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you” (Phil. 3:15). He enables your God given talents and gifts: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good” (1Corinthians 12:7). He gives comfort: The Holy Spirit is a healer and deliverer: “Repent, then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).
The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled: Each step of growth you take is a step of faith as you will encounter a very real God who has given you His Spirit to help you in every situation and in every need guaranteeing you the exceptional life. It is not with striving, willpower and strength of your own efforts that produces change. Instead, it is a life of summoning up faith that will be given to you. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16-17).
What is that the Holy Spirit speaking to you to change in YOUR life? (Not your neighbor, friend, girlfriend or boyfriend, family member or co-workers life!) What is keeping you from hearing and obeying the Holy Spirit?
The Holy Spirit gives you the security knowing that God is for you, not against you. God has given you everything you need to live the exceptional life. Growth begins in a secure relationship and that security comes from the work of the Holy Spirit. The very presence of God in you is the Holy Spirit. He gives you ability, wisdom, and what to say: “for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit” (Mark 13:11).
The Holy Spirit is your friend, He “partners” with you. He comes along side you and helps you. He searches your heart and shows you what to change: “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will” (Rom. 8:27). The Holy Spirit helps you: “but the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).
He leads you and guides you: “But when He, the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come” (John 16:13). He leads you to truth: “And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth” (1John 5:6b). He will correct you and convict you: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of all things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you” (Phil. 3:15). He enables your God given talents and gifts: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good” (1Corinthians 12:7). He gives comfort: The Holy Spirit is a healer and deliverer: “Repent, then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).
The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled: Each step of growth you take is a step of faith as you will encounter a very real God who has given you His Spirit to help you in every situation and in every need guaranteeing you the exceptional life. It is not with striving, willpower and strength of your own efforts that produces change. Instead, it is a life of summoning up faith that will be given to you. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16-17).
What is that the Holy Spirit speaking to you to change in YOUR life? (Not your neighbor, friend, girlfriend or boyfriend, family member or co-workers life!) What is keeping you from hearing and obeying the Holy Spirit?
January 25, 2012
Examine your ability to choose healthy relationships
It is our responsibility to pick good, safe people. Our own character flaws cause us to pick unsafe people sometimes picking a person with the same issues as ourselves. We have to identify our own issues that cause us to repeat the cycle of involving ourselves in unhealthy relationships. The destructive relational patterns within our selves are demonstrated in the following areas:
Inability to Judge Character: God has made us with two sides of our thinking, the rational and emotional. We get into trouble when we ignore the rational thinking. We “know better” but we still may be attracted to some one who is irresponsible, acting upon our emotions only.
Isolation and Fear of Abandonment: With out safe and supportive relationships, keeping a primary unsafe relationship seems better than nothing at all. This all-or- nothing split keeps isolation and the fear of abandonment going.
Defensive Hope: Defensive hope disappoints and prevents us from facing the truth. We want to avoid sadness and grief by not facing reality. We hope the other person will change, but we have to learn to not expect that they will change. The only one that we can change is ourselves. With people who do not have our best interest, we have to set boundaries and limits.
Failure to accept your own Badness: We all have bad parts that we need to own and confess. If we believe that we are completely holy and do not own our badness, we will see the badness outside of ourselves. Many people choose unsafe relationships because they do not own their badness are finding it and living it vicariously through others.
Merger Wishes: People try to find what they lack by identifying with someone else. Often time people choose relationships based on the other’s financial success or assertive personality. The problem then is they try to achieve spiritual and life growth without doing the hard work them selves.
Fear of Confrontation: Confrontation can be difficult but can be learned through the practice of boundaries, setting limits and giving consequences. Biblical, loving confrontation is needed with unsafe people.
Romanticizing: Romanticizing is an idealized way of looking at someone or some situation. They only see the good and they ignore the other person’s character flaws.
Need to Rescue: A rescuer needs an unsafe person to rescue. People who need rescuing are not taking responsibility for their own lives. The rescuer is not getting their needs met from the unsafe person. The rescuer is enabling the unsafe person and neither one is growing or maturing.
Familiarity: God has designed each of us to learn patterns of relating in our family of origin. In His plan, we should learn healthy character development like honesty, responsibility and love. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. We can learn deceit, manipulation and other unhealthy character flaws from family and culture.
Victim Mentality: A victim is someone who has no power. Thing are done to them, not by them. When a drunk driver hits you, you are a victim. Victim mentality is a pattern of relating and is not the same a being a victim. Instead, they play the “victim role”. This victim mentality does not take responsibility for their choices and behaviors. They are passive in nature and give over the “reins” to another and let them make choices for them. These “victim role players” need to learn to make good decisions, take responsibility for them selves, practice boundaries and setting limits with others.
Guilt: For someone to make us feel guilty there is some part of us that agrees with the accuser. There is a critical voice inside us agreeing to allow someone to control us with guilt messages. But we can free ourselves from guilt and shame when we look within ourselves. When there is love and acceptance by others and we understand there is freedom and no condemnation in Christ, we let the other party bear the responsibility for their own feelings and choices.
Perfectionism: Some perfectionists are particularly compulsive about details. Others want people to always view them as perfect in whatever content or situation. They put up a front and do not want anyone to find out they have problems and flaws. This idea of perfectionalism allows others to have power and control and they become a slave to their ideals. Perfectionist people need to learn to love and accept themselves, and allow others to see them as they really are, so they can have relationships built on trust & acceptance.
Repetition: Repetition is when you are caught in a destructive relational pattern that is learned early in life and the cycle repeats over and over again, going down that same familiar maze. People, who are caught in this repetition pattern, do not learn from their mistakes and do not mature and grow. Freedom from this destructive pattern is to gain insight and identifying the pattern, connect with healthy people, make some tough choices and learn new healthy behavior.
Denial of Pain and Perceptions: We need to learn from our experiences and discern good from evil. Our senses are dulled when we get stuck in destructive relational patterns. Our feelings, intuitions, and perceptions are important to be in touch with, instead of only believing what someone tells us. We have to learn to pay attention to our gut feelings when some one is hurting us. We have to search scripture, pray, have a support group and identify the “fruits” of our relationships.
These are all issues that the Bible deals with directly and tells us how to face as part of our growth process. If you have a pattern of bad relationships, it may not be the fault of the other person but actually a sign of your own spiritual immaturity. As you change, the people around you will adapt and change and you will break free from the pattern of behavior that keeps you in relationships that do not have your best interest.
Inability to Judge Character: God has made us with two sides of our thinking, the rational and emotional. We get into trouble when we ignore the rational thinking. We “know better” but we still may be attracted to some one who is irresponsible, acting upon our emotions only.
Isolation and Fear of Abandonment: With out safe and supportive relationships, keeping a primary unsafe relationship seems better than nothing at all. This all-or- nothing split keeps isolation and the fear of abandonment going.
Defensive Hope: Defensive hope disappoints and prevents us from facing the truth. We want to avoid sadness and grief by not facing reality. We hope the other person will change, but we have to learn to not expect that they will change. The only one that we can change is ourselves. With people who do not have our best interest, we have to set boundaries and limits.
Failure to accept your own Badness: We all have bad parts that we need to own and confess. If we believe that we are completely holy and do not own our badness, we will see the badness outside of ourselves. Many people choose unsafe relationships because they do not own their badness are finding it and living it vicariously through others.
Merger Wishes: People try to find what they lack by identifying with someone else. Often time people choose relationships based on the other’s financial success or assertive personality. The problem then is they try to achieve spiritual and life growth without doing the hard work them selves.
Fear of Confrontation: Confrontation can be difficult but can be learned through the practice of boundaries, setting limits and giving consequences. Biblical, loving confrontation is needed with unsafe people.
Romanticizing: Romanticizing is an idealized way of looking at someone or some situation. They only see the good and they ignore the other person’s character flaws.
Need to Rescue: A rescuer needs an unsafe person to rescue. People who need rescuing are not taking responsibility for their own lives. The rescuer is not getting their needs met from the unsafe person. The rescuer is enabling the unsafe person and neither one is growing or maturing.
Familiarity: God has designed each of us to learn patterns of relating in our family of origin. In His plan, we should learn healthy character development like honesty, responsibility and love. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. We can learn deceit, manipulation and other unhealthy character flaws from family and culture.
Victim Mentality: A victim is someone who has no power. Thing are done to them, not by them. When a drunk driver hits you, you are a victim. Victim mentality is a pattern of relating and is not the same a being a victim. Instead, they play the “victim role”. This victim mentality does not take responsibility for their choices and behaviors. They are passive in nature and give over the “reins” to another and let them make choices for them. These “victim role players” need to learn to make good decisions, take responsibility for them selves, practice boundaries and setting limits with others.
Guilt: For someone to make us feel guilty there is some part of us that agrees with the accuser. There is a critical voice inside us agreeing to allow someone to control us with guilt messages. But we can free ourselves from guilt and shame when we look within ourselves. When there is love and acceptance by others and we understand there is freedom and no condemnation in Christ, we let the other party bear the responsibility for their own feelings and choices.
Perfectionism: Some perfectionists are particularly compulsive about details. Others want people to always view them as perfect in whatever content or situation. They put up a front and do not want anyone to find out they have problems and flaws. This idea of perfectionalism allows others to have power and control and they become a slave to their ideals. Perfectionist people need to learn to love and accept themselves, and allow others to see them as they really are, so they can have relationships built on trust & acceptance.
Repetition: Repetition is when you are caught in a destructive relational pattern that is learned early in life and the cycle repeats over and over again, going down that same familiar maze. People, who are caught in this repetition pattern, do not learn from their mistakes and do not mature and grow. Freedom from this destructive pattern is to gain insight and identifying the pattern, connect with healthy people, make some tough choices and learn new healthy behavior.
Denial of Pain and Perceptions: We need to learn from our experiences and discern good from evil. Our senses are dulled when we get stuck in destructive relational patterns. Our feelings, intuitions, and perceptions are important to be in touch with, instead of only believing what someone tells us. We have to learn to pay attention to our gut feelings when some one is hurting us. We have to search scripture, pray, have a support group and identify the “fruits” of our relationships.
These are all issues that the Bible deals with directly and tells us how to face as part of our growth process. If you have a pattern of bad relationships, it may not be the fault of the other person but actually a sign of your own spiritual immaturity. As you change, the people around you will adapt and change and you will break free from the pattern of behavior that keeps you in relationships that do not have your best interest.
January 24, 2012
Growth is cultivating Godly Character
Godly character comes from cultivating daily habits like Bible meditation and prayer. The result of those habits is evidence in your character. There are three major reasons why we must learn character. First it reveals the nature of Christ who is the perfect fulfillment of each quality. Second, it is the basis for success in life. Third, it explains why things happen to us (principle of cause and effect). The number seven in the bible refers to spiritual perfection. The following are seven essential Godly character qualities for us to practice:
Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).
Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of we instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own.
Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being that who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. Their actions are fair, sincere, bold, and honest.
Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have.
Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility.
Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures.
Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just: those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding”.
These qualities are like a seed who is the Holy Spirit who lives in us. For these qualities to take root and grow, we must seek God with our heart and mind. We become more like Jesus as we allow grace and truth to affect us. As we become more like Him, our problems and issues become less. God’s ways are contrary to the world’s way so they don’t come natural for us. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1Corinthians 1:18 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27.
Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).
Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of we instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own.
Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being that who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. Their actions are fair, sincere, bold, and honest.
Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have.
Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility.
Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures.
Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just: those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding”.
These qualities are like a seed who is the Holy Spirit who lives in us. For these qualities to take root and grow, we must seek God with our heart and mind. We become more like Jesus as we allow grace and truth to affect us. As we become more like Him, our problems and issues become less. God’s ways are contrary to the world’s way so they don’t come natural for us. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1Corinthians 1:18 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27.
January 22, 2012
Identifying a Shortage of Healthy Relationships
We were created to be in relationship with each other. God created us to hunger and thirst for love. He uses people to comfort us and to help us grow. But when we need to reach out to someone and those relationships are unsafe, we can be in real spiritual and emotional trouble. These unsafe connections can leave us out of control with no “safety net” to catch us. If our levels of safe people are low, then it results in a “safety –deficiency”. You can evaluate your “safety-deficient” demonstrated in these following areas:
Spiritual Life: Often when we felt the closest to God was when we belonged to good and safe people. Many of us have lost intimacy with God because of other believers who have wounded us in his name. Safety-deficits can cut us off from the closeness to God. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems? Do you feel God is the only person who knows you and loves you?
Physical Health: There is a close relationship between our minds and our bodies. Our physical well-being is a good indicator of our emotional and spiritual life. Stress can affect our health adversely including cancer, chronic headaches, back pain, weight issues, life expectancy and others. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your issues? Is it hard to see other people as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
Functioning: Work, activity, fun and recreation are all about functioning. It takes lots of energy to function. When surrounded by the wrong people, our “safety-deficiency” is evident in the following symptoms: lapses in concentration, inability to think creatively, inability to take risks, loss of energy and motivation, and failure to achieve goals. Generally speaking, discipline and organization often helps as a solution to plan our time better and have a “stick to it” attitude. Ultimately we cannot be good finishers when our “relational gas tank” is low. Do your personal connections primarily revolve around activities? Do you find people approach you when they need something from you and less simply to spend quality time?
The quality of our important relationships can help to identify the level of safety we are receiving. The following questions will serve as a guide to determine this: Are you the “giver” in your relationships, or is there a mutual give and take? Are your intimate and vulnerable two-way conversations a rarity? Do your relationships withdraw when you are honest about yourself? Invariably are the relationships you choose letting you down over time? When we are in a safe relationship, we are alive and growing. Take your time and use wisdom to make good choices of whom you will invest yourself and then cultivate those relationships to help each other grow.
Spiritual Life: Often when we felt the closest to God was when we belonged to good and safe people. Many of us have lost intimacy with God because of other believers who have wounded us in his name. Safety-deficits can cut us off from the closeness to God. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems? Do you feel God is the only person who knows you and loves you?
Physical Health: There is a close relationship between our minds and our bodies. Our physical well-being is a good indicator of our emotional and spiritual life. Stress can affect our health adversely including cancer, chronic headaches, back pain, weight issues, life expectancy and others. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your issues? Is it hard to see other people as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
Functioning: Work, activity, fun and recreation are all about functioning. It takes lots of energy to function. When surrounded by the wrong people, our “safety-deficiency” is evident in the following symptoms: lapses in concentration, inability to think creatively, inability to take risks, loss of energy and motivation, and failure to achieve goals. Generally speaking, discipline and organization often helps as a solution to plan our time better and have a “stick to it” attitude. Ultimately we cannot be good finishers when our “relational gas tank” is low. Do your personal connections primarily revolve around activities? Do you find people approach you when they need something from you and less simply to spend quality time?
The quality of our important relationships can help to identify the level of safety we are receiving. The following questions will serve as a guide to determine this: Are you the “giver” in your relationships, or is there a mutual give and take? Are your intimate and vulnerable two-way conversations a rarity? Do your relationships withdraw when you are honest about yourself? Invariably are the relationships you choose letting you down over time? When we are in a safe relationship, we are alive and growing. Take your time and use wisdom to make good choices of whom you will invest yourself and then cultivate those relationships to help each other grow.
January 18, 2012
Interpersonal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships
We are meant to have connection and intimacy with God and with people and if we do not, we experience isolation. Interpersonal traits describe, “How we connect”. These traits are about how people operate in relationships, how they move close or pull away, and how they build up or destroy.
• Unsafe People avoid closeness instead of connecting. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection. People, who are not able to connect, often act out that isolation in addictions, affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidence and trusts.
• Unsafe People are only concerned about “I” instead of “We”. Unsafe people are self-centered. A safe person is relational and has concerns and empathy for others. Empathy involves letting go of your opinion and what you need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person to attempt to understand how they feel, believe and think.
• Unsafe People resist freedom instead of encouraging it. In the “eyes” of unsafe people, you become bad for being separate from them. Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment: when one person is swallowed up into the needs of another.
• Unsafe People flatter us instead of confronting us. An unsafe person can make you feel very good and a safe person can make you feel bad. A safe relationship is not just about trust, support and sharing. They are also about truth, righteousness, and honesty. People who confront us help us to grow and protect us from our self-destruction. Strokers idealize us, and avoid truth by exclusively praising us. As long as you feel good, they’re happy.
• Unsafe People condemn instead of forgiving. A forgiving person is a safe person. They see our wrong, yet love us and accept us anyway. That relational love helps to heal us and transform us into the person God intended.
• Unsafe People stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They don’t agree with our right to our opinion, they do not trust our judgments, and our decisions. Safe people love to see us grow, mature and do not withdrawal from our adultness.
• Unsafe People are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
• Unsafe People are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
• Unsafe People gossip instead of respecting one’s privacy.
Which of these traits have you seen in your self and in your relationships?
• Unsafe People avoid closeness instead of connecting. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection. People, who are not able to connect, often act out that isolation in addictions, affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidence and trusts.
• Unsafe People are only concerned about “I” instead of “We”. Unsafe people are self-centered. A safe person is relational and has concerns and empathy for others. Empathy involves letting go of your opinion and what you need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person to attempt to understand how they feel, believe and think.
• Unsafe People resist freedom instead of encouraging it. In the “eyes” of unsafe people, you become bad for being separate from them. Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment: when one person is swallowed up into the needs of another.
• Unsafe People flatter us instead of confronting us. An unsafe person can make you feel very good and a safe person can make you feel bad. A safe relationship is not just about trust, support and sharing. They are also about truth, righteousness, and honesty. People who confront us help us to grow and protect us from our self-destruction. Strokers idealize us, and avoid truth by exclusively praising us. As long as you feel good, they’re happy.
• Unsafe People condemn instead of forgiving. A forgiving person is a safe person. They see our wrong, yet love us and accept us anyway. That relational love helps to heal us and transform us into the person God intended.
• Unsafe People stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They don’t agree with our right to our opinion, they do not trust our judgments, and our decisions. Safe people love to see us grow, mature and do not withdrawal from our adultness.
• Unsafe People are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
• Unsafe People are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
• Unsafe People gossip instead of respecting one’s privacy.
Which of these traits have you seen in your self and in your relationships?
January 13, 2012
Personal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships
Unsafe people have traits that describe who they are and what makes them unhealthy to other people. These are the “warning signs” of unsafe people. As you develop skills to discern the character of others, you will be able to distinguish the safe from the unsafe.
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
January 12, 2012
Defining Unhealthy Relationships
The problem isn’t our need for friendship and connection. God created us in His image with a desire for a relationship with Him and others.
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
December 19, 2011
Obedience helps us grow
To grow spiritually, we must be God directed, not self-directed. The choice to follow God’s direction becomes a lifestyle of trusting Him and pursuing His ways. We cannot grow spiritually without obedience. Obedience has to do with submitting our purpose, values, and choices to God. Obedience integrates all of life, encompassing all of us, both the internal (character) and the external (behavior). The Bible teaches and guides us in all areas of life: money, ministry, gifts, marriage, sex, and so on. Emotional, relational and personal growth relates to spiritual growth as we develop Christ like character qualities. Obedience requires an object. We need to know whom and what to obey. The following are sources to help us grow:
The Commands in the Bible are a foundational source for growth in obedience. The Bible has a great number of universal commands, laws, and principles for how to live our lives. The Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:3-17) and the two Great Commandments given to us by Jesus, (see Matthew 2:36-40) sum up the Law. Reading the Bible and Bible study are very valuable and helpful ways to understand about God’s laws and principles of how things work in His Kingdom and what is required from us. When we are meditating on God’s Word, the Holy Spirit will give us direction and understanding. The Holy Spirit not only guides us to truth and the revelation of God’s Word, but also directs those who seek His guidance to specific areas of obedience (see Mark 13:11). For example He may direct a person to take a risk in a relationship and deepen emotional intimacy in some area.
Authority is a system designed by God and helps us to grow. We should follow the leadership of the church and its teachers, as long as it is biblical appropriate. For example, a small group leader might have insights and suggestions that can help us through personal issues. Another source is God places people in our life to help us grow. God speaks to us in safe relationships through which He may direct us to confront an issue, confess some brokenness, or deal with some problem or circumstance. Also, be aware that God may arrange events to help you grow in perseverance through difficult circumstances and issues. These different sources of instruction are not in conflict or fragmented. God is One, and the universal meaning of One is unity. He is integrated without conflict or contradiction. If you sense conflicts in the above areas and are not sure how to obey God, ask God to help you find His voice among the many. Look for conformation through other biblical leaders and teachings. Always allow for God’s timing and that the process of change and growth takes time.
The person who is growing needs to understand the importance of obedience. The following are the essential tasks for the grower: Surrender to the Lordship of Christ. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life the way God had designed it to work. Follow Him Daily. Look at obedience as a daily and continuous process. Watch out for compartmentalizing your growth, going from one small group meeting to the next. Always keep your heart attentive to what God might be saying to you in the Bible, by the Spirit, from His people, or in circumstances. Deal with your character issues. Obeying God is being honest about sin and your inabilities, confessing them, turning from them, and then turning towards God for the answers.
The Commands in the Bible are a foundational source for growth in obedience. The Bible has a great number of universal commands, laws, and principles for how to live our lives. The Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:3-17) and the two Great Commandments given to us by Jesus, (see Matthew 2:36-40) sum up the Law. Reading the Bible and Bible study are very valuable and helpful ways to understand about God’s laws and principles of how things work in His Kingdom and what is required from us. When we are meditating on God’s Word, the Holy Spirit will give us direction and understanding. The Holy Spirit not only guides us to truth and the revelation of God’s Word, but also directs those who seek His guidance to specific areas of obedience (see Mark 13:11). For example He may direct a person to take a risk in a relationship and deepen emotional intimacy in some area.
Authority is a system designed by God and helps us to grow. We should follow the leadership of the church and its teachers, as long as it is biblical appropriate. For example, a small group leader might have insights and suggestions that can help us through personal issues. Another source is God places people in our life to help us grow. God speaks to us in safe relationships through which He may direct us to confront an issue, confess some brokenness, or deal with some problem or circumstance. Also, be aware that God may arrange events to help you grow in perseverance through difficult circumstances and issues. These different sources of instruction are not in conflict or fragmented. God is One, and the universal meaning of One is unity. He is integrated without conflict or contradiction. If you sense conflicts in the above areas and are not sure how to obey God, ask God to help you find His voice among the many. Look for conformation through other biblical leaders and teachings. Always allow for God’s timing and that the process of change and growth takes time.
The person who is growing needs to understand the importance of obedience. The following are the essential tasks for the grower: Surrender to the Lordship of Christ. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life the way God had designed it to work. Follow Him Daily. Look at obedience as a daily and continuous process. Watch out for compartmentalizing your growth, going from one small group meeting to the next. Always keep your heart attentive to what God might be saying to you in the Bible, by the Spirit, from His people, or in circumstances. Deal with your character issues. Obeying God is being honest about sin and your inabilities, confessing them, turning from them, and then turning towards God for the answers.
December 14, 2011
Failure helps us grow
The life that God would have for us requires obedience to His ways. Obedience is more than simply adhering to specific commands, but rather a way of life that will bring you good fruit and good success. Obedience therefore, is for our own good. Life works better if it belongs to God. The more you surrender your life to His authority and care, the more you are living life as He has designed. For some, making Christ Lord of your life is a clear and defined decision. For others, it is a gradual process of increasingly surrendering your life to Him. Either way, spiritual growth leads you towards making God the center and purpose of your life.
Growth is a process and we sin and fail in many ways. God has taken this into consideration in His growth plan for us. God uses our failures to help restore, grow and mature us. Even though seemingly unfair to some, the reality is we are going to fail and because it is our free will and choice to do so, it is our fault. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God’s standard for life. Several spiritual growth approaches try to resolve this dilemma. Some may believe we do not have to fail. We can always be victorious in Jesus by truly making Him Lord of our lives. This approach concludes the person who fails has not totally surrendered themselves to God. It is reasonable to say that this sometimes can be the case, but the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life (see Romans 7:15-19). Supporters to this school of thought do not fully accept that the struggle with sin is a part of the human experience. Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity: it is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. The reasoning here is the more you grow, the less you sin. Therefore the mature person does not sin a lot. While we are always learning and growing, and that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present, as in the case of the chief of sinners, the very mature apostle Paul himself (see 1Timothy 1:15). Still yet another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. They admit failure happens but that the failure isn’t so bad and that the sin and mistakes are not significant. This is a weak view of sin (see Romans 6:23). A similar teaching believes that though we fail, it really isn’t our fault. Instead of taking responsibility for one’s own sin, the blame goes to those who have taught us and made us who we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God Himself. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices (see 2Corithians 5:10).
The Bible’s teaching is much stricter than the approaches above. The reality is we fail, we have a problem we cannot solve, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. His death is the redemption of our sin and weaknesses. Throughout life we learn to strengthen our faith in His love and forgiveness without resorting to our own efforts. In this sense, our failures bear fruit in a deeper walk with Him. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf; be reconciled to God. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God” (2Cornthians 5:20-21). We need to be aware of all failure when it arises, and be in a safe place to address it.
Growth is a process and we sin and fail in many ways. God has taken this into consideration in His growth plan for us. God uses our failures to help restore, grow and mature us. Even though seemingly unfair to some, the reality is we are going to fail and because it is our free will and choice to do so, it is our fault. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God’s standard for life. Several spiritual growth approaches try to resolve this dilemma. Some may believe we do not have to fail. We can always be victorious in Jesus by truly making Him Lord of our lives. This approach concludes the person who fails has not totally surrendered themselves to God. It is reasonable to say that this sometimes can be the case, but the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life (see Romans 7:15-19). Supporters to this school of thought do not fully accept that the struggle with sin is a part of the human experience. Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity: it is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. The reasoning here is the more you grow, the less you sin. Therefore the mature person does not sin a lot. While we are always learning and growing, and that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present, as in the case of the chief of sinners, the very mature apostle Paul himself (see 1Timothy 1:15). Still yet another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. They admit failure happens but that the failure isn’t so bad and that the sin and mistakes are not significant. This is a weak view of sin (see Romans 6:23). A similar teaching believes that though we fail, it really isn’t our fault. Instead of taking responsibility for one’s own sin, the blame goes to those who have taught us and made us who we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God Himself. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices (see 2Corithians 5:10).
The Bible’s teaching is much stricter than the approaches above. The reality is we fail, we have a problem we cannot solve, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. His death is the redemption of our sin and weaknesses. Throughout life we learn to strengthen our faith in His love and forgiveness without resorting to our own efforts. In this sense, our failures bear fruit in a deeper walk with Him. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf; be reconciled to God. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God” (2Cornthians 5:20-21). We need to be aware of all failure when it arises, and be in a safe place to address it.
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