Healing comes from having loving relationships

“God is love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in Him” (1 John 4:16). Relationship is the foundation of God’s nature and love is the basic identity of God; therefore love is basic to our identity. When we are in a loving relationship, we are alive and growing. A plant needs water, sunlight, and soil to grow and survive. Just like a plant, we grow and thrive, that is, to be “rooted and grounded” in love. We literally draw from the love of God and others to fuel our recovery and our transformation into likeness of Christ.

The condition and health of our heart depends on our ability to love God and others.  “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:13). Our emotional and mental well-being depends on the condition of our heart. The heart is the seat of all our dreams, desires, goals and hope. We are told to guard our heart “for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Often times in life, we can be injured at early developmental stages including infancy, childhood, and even early adulthood. When this occurs, we have great difficulty trusting, being intimate, and depending on others. When we were robbed or lost our ability to connect, we suffer from several root causes; abandonment, rejection, loneliness and fear that will separate us from the love of God and others.  When we are alone or isolated, our lives are darkened, become chaotic and our growth is stunted.

Because of our hurts, loss and pain, we develop walls around us to prevent others from ever hurting us again, or so we think. Failure to resolve issues in the past interferes with our ability to live in the present as God intended. Our past injury and pride blinds us to the truth and reality that sets us free. We rebel and try doing things our way until we hit bottom and turn to God who is the source of relationship and the author of love. Our needs are the fuel to growth and healing. Relationship to God and others helps us to meet our needs. Without such connectedness to God and others, we will slowly wither and die, just as a branch is cut off from its vine. Jesus said, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine (John 15:44).

When we are in a loving relationship, we are able to see meaning in serving others and in our accomplishments. We are able to accomplish more on our own, when our “emotional tanks” are full. When we are bonded to God and others, our accomplishments have a deeper meaning. Events and work have purpose instead of obligation or a function. Instead of “task-oriented” work and service becomes “relationally oriented”.  Life becomes exciting because connecting with others increases the opportunity to exercise your God given talents and abilities which provides help and resources to others in need or of need.

Satan wants us to be fearful of the very thing we need the most. He wants to destroy our relationships and make us fragmented. The plan of the enemy is to get us to believe we can get our God given legitimate needs met in counterfeit ways: “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world” (1 John 2:16.)   

Do your Best

Sometimes it is hard for people to see themselves. The issue of what's really going on is interwoven with circumstances. The problem is not always the problem it's how you see the problem, is really the problem. Don't miss the underlying foundational issues. Don't make it about the circumstances. Create in your mind a positive outcome and believe that in God all things are possible. 

Do your very best all the time. That means do not assume anything about anything or anybody and don't take things personal. It's not always about you. Guard what you say. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

Always let your yes mean yes and you’re no mean no.  Take ownership of your own stuff, that is, what belongs to you. Don't give away your freedom. Let other people be who they are. Don't try to control the outcome. Practice forgiving yourself and others. Always do your best, all day, every day, and be efficient at it.

Some days we don't always feel so good but there's always a new day to start fresh and new. Be thankful for everything. Our joy is manifested when we give thanks through, praise, worship, and sacrifices. The more we magnify Him, the less we become and your problems begin to melt away. Always hold onto your vision of what good you want for your life and believe that Jesus has already given you victory.

“For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord” (Ephesians 5:8-10).

 

Tough Love

We need people who are for us. People who have our best interest at heart are there for us not only when we think we need them, but also when they see the faulty character traits and a destructive pattern in us. 

We need relationships that will boldly but lovingly make us aware of our sinful behavior and confront our denial.  A healthy relationship has freedom to take a tough love position against our rebellion.

We need each other. You need someone and someone needs you. To make this life work, we have to learn to lean and support. Relationship is about give and take, confessing and forgiving, reaching out and taking hold.

We are all of one body and many parts: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it” (1Corinthians 12:26).

Take the Initiative

Some people are unable to take the initiative to start and develop new relationships. They know they what to, they even know what to do, but they cannot follow through. They may fear rejection or  have some abandonment issue.

Some people are passive because they were trained not to do anything until told to do so. They may be passive because of low self-esteem or have some fantasy and want to be rescued.

A heart kept permanently closed keeps people at a distance. A heart that risks being open invites them in, has nothing to hide, promotes generosity, prompts vulnerability, and demonstrates grace. 

The enemy will tempt you to doubt, to hold you back, to think, “I’m not going to make it.” Relax and stay calm. Do not worry. Be self-controlled and alert.  Always remember that God’s plans for you always ends with a rainbow of new hope.  “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23).

If we want to develop and grow, we must take steps, be pro-active, take a risk, and try new relationships.  “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be glory both now and forever! Amen (2Peter 3:18).

Relationship verses Religion

No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. But some people are unteachable and do not take to correction. These people may never even go to church but never the less, they are religious. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good.

Relational people care about the well-being of others, not just the rules. Rules are important but not at the cost of putting rules before the emotional health of others. 

Relational people have your best interest in mind. They are able to understand and accept others. Relational people are honest about themselves. They are teachable and willing to change. People who want to know God and to please God understand the purpose of relationship.  

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law” (Galatians 5:14-18).

Responsible for Your own Growth

They say opposites attract. People try to find what they do not have by identifying with someone else. Often enough, people choose significant relationships based on the other person's success or perhaps their out-going personality. In doing so they become stunted and have difficulty in their own growth. They are relationally underdeveloped by not doing the hard work themselves.

Mature people are best described in fifteen words: they know who there are…they like who they are…they are who they are. They are real (see 1corinthians 15:9-11).   

Too busy for Relationship

Many people are caught in the trap of being too busy. Not necessarily doing bad things, just too many things. Being too busy is not a friend, it’s an enemy: an evil, selfish and demanding force that requires things of us. (see Matthew 13:22).

It is very easy to stay busy. Even during recreational activities, it is often said, most people "work" at play. Keeping busy with activities can be important to develop skills or for entertainment and recreation purposes. But in just “doing things”, we tend to avoid closeness and miss building on relationship opportunities.

Relationship is the foundation of God’s nature. God is relational and He created us in His image so we were created to be relational. From the womb, we need connection with others for comfort, safety, nurturing, meaning and a general sense of belonging.

Connecting to others and building strong, safe attachments is our deepest and most primary spiritual and emotional need. When we are in loving and bonded connections, we are alive and growing.

Developing healthy relationships isn't difficult, it takes being available and open. Our goal is not to find more time but to use time more wisely. Do your best to reach out to others.

“Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15-16).

Two are Better than One

We need encouragement, support and the love of others to help us go through difficult times. We are never so spiritual that we do not need the help God provides through other people. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).

Paul teaches us that believers belong to a body (see Ephesians 4). Not a single one of us can be a “Lone Ranger”. We are a united body: one church under one Head. We are interdependent members of one another, not independent entities who don’t need each other and aren’t affected by each other.

We are called to a new way of life, the way of maturity and purity, and to relationships that give evidence of God’s power and grace at work in our lives. “Then you will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming" (Ephesians 4:14).   

Making Wise Relationship Choices

God created us to hunger and thirst for relationship. It is as if we have a huge hole inside us that only relationships can fill. Good, healthy relationships help us to grow.

We are comforted with the assurance that we can be who we really are when we are in healthy, safe relationships. When we open up ourselves to the possibility of new connections, we must use caution to ensure we are making a good choice of whom we invest our efforts in. Making hasty and unwise choices can result in a sense that our lives are out of control.

When involving yourself with someone who does not have our best interest at heart, we are left with disappointment and personal injury rather than the support and encouragement we need and long for.

Choose quality of quantity. Find people who are for you. Ask yourself if the relationships are helping you to grow. Can you be honest with them without them withdrawing from you? 

To have a good friend you must be a good friend. It is unfair to expect someone to be a good friend when you are unwilling to put out the equal effort over the course of the relationship.

Purpose for Weakness

As we grow close to God and God's people, we begin to change and reflect HIS character. Often our issues in life are a result of not growing into the image and likeness of God. We are to let go and give everything to God. HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Paul, in his second letter to the Church of Corinth is filled with passion and emotion, and is a compellingly honest look at the pain and struggles in the life of the believer. There are profound lessons within these chapters that that speak with power to the church today – lessons that you may not have expected to learn from an apostle named Paul.

First, brokenness gives ministry purpose. If you are broken, beaten, bruised, and bleeding, you are in the right stream with Paul. He knew all about pain and struggles. Ministry involves suffering, which in turn teaches us some important lessons about God’s grace and our need to depend completely on Him.

Second, meekness communicates life. The person who always has to be in control is in reality a very weak individual. A person who is genuinely meek is genuinely strong. Release control as you find strength in meekness.

Third, loneliness makes us place a high value on friendships. Loneliness makes us value friendships, as we realize the agony of not having anyone there to love us. How wonderful it is when we have someone who understands us and cares for us.

Fourth, weakness puts power on display. The world teaches us to think having our act together and being self-sufficient makes us powerful. Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove the thorn in his side three times: “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” (2corinthians 12:8-9).

Paul teaches us that we can find strength in times of weakness when we are forced to cast ourselves on the One who grants more power than we could ever imagine. May we experience His power at work in our lives as we face trails, struggles, and times of weakness.