Welcome to How to Change and Grow

Welcome to How to Change and Grow. The answers to life is found in seeking the Creater of life. We serve a good God. He wants to help us. God's Word guides and directs our steps while the Holy Sprit empowers us to transform, mature, prosper and more. The fullness of God's love brings us to beyond striving, to satisfying all our needs and anything we could ever hope or wish for. God's way IS a better way! God bless you as you learn HIS WAYS to change and grow.

June 24, 2011

The “Big Picture” (part one)

We want to change but sometimes we focus on the wrong issues. We focus in on the “problem” such as depression or anxiety, as though this is the main issue. We address a pattern of behavior we think is the sin behind the struggle, and we think that if we can get that person to be good enough (for us), and then we have helped that person. We speak to “symptoms” and we miss the real life-changing dynamics of this “ministry of reconciliation”.  As we enter into the specifics of personal growth, we must not lose the sight of what God is doing in the world: “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation” (2Cor 5:18-19).   

Almost everyone who desires to grow as a Christian understands getting back into relationship with God and people is primary. We are commanded to love God first and then other people. Also, part of God’s plan for our lives to be holy, righteous and fully sanctified unto Him. But there is more to be done. Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life – the life that God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration, and more gives us the life we desire and that solves our problems. As Paul says, we are “separated from the life of God” (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work. In looking at the “big picture” we see God’s creation, the fall, and redemption. Not unlike any path or journey, we must know where we came from, where we went from there, and where we are heading.

Creation: Let’s start with were we came from. In creation, everything starts out with God as the source. God is the creator of life and growth. Nothing was before Him and everything that exists comes from Him. God created all the resources, principles, purposes, and meanings. After God made these things, He created Adam and Eve and He breathed life into them. In the same way, we can begin to understand that God brings life back into the dead situations in our lives like a failed marriage or business.

God created humans for relationship first with Him and then with other people. Our relationship with God and people was created to be open and vulnerable, without brokenness or separation. Adam and Eve’s order and position in creation was to take care of the Garden and obey God. It was a high position, but it also had its limits. They were to live life, but to live it in submission to God or not have life at all. Life and submission to God were one and the same. So the Bible begins with the ideas of God as Source, relationship as primary, and God as the authority.

God’s role was to be the source and provider. Our role was to depend on the Source. He provides, we depend and trust. God’s role is to be in control of the big picture, and our role is to be in control of our self and our responsibilities. Many of life’s problems are a result of trying to control things outside of our control. Independence is not an option for us. God existed without us, not the other way around. So the role that we must take in life is not only for dependency, but also against self-sufficiency. Our role is to recognize our limits and to transcend those limits by looking outside of ourselves for life. God’s role is the Judge of life. Our role is to experience life. God told Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. We were not to judge, but to live the good life apart from judging it. Instead of being concerned with “Am I good enough?” we just lived and experienced life. God makes the rules and we are to follow them. God did not consult us when He designed life. God did not ask our opinion to see if we liked what He created. He just made the reality and then told us to obey it.

The “Big Picture” (part two)

The fall: Adam and Eve decided that God’s design was not for them. They decided not to follow the rules. They believed the lie and ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. They thought they could live apart from God and take control over their own lives. Trying to become like God, they became less of themselves. They lost themselves, each other, and the life they were created to have. Because of their act of disobedience, we too have become less than what we were created to be.
Adam and Eve “fell” from the perfect state that they were created in and became less perfect. Sin means to “miss the mark”. Death means to be separated from God and from life. God’s role was to be the source and provider. They became independent of the source. God created relationship as primary and now they lost that relationship. They lost the primary relationship becoming alienated from God and actually becoming “enemies” of God (see Col 1:21). They also lost the other primary relationship, with each other. They became naked and ashamed and covered themselves with fig leaves. They lost their intimacy, vulnerability, and ability to trust. Because they did not obey the limits God set on them, we too lost our ability to sustain love, trust and be honest with one another.
God’s role is to be the boss and has all authority. Because of the “fall” and as offspring of Adam and Eve, we try to be the boss. We try to become our own source, become our own creator, to take control of the world, become the judge of life, and make the rules. The result is we depend on ourselves. We exist unto ourselves. We try to control each other and end up losing control of ourselves. We judge ourselves and each other and cease to be able to experience ourselves and each other. We want to live any way we want to. God’s original plan changed because of rebellion and life was lost.   
Redemption: God in Christ is “reconciling” all things back to the way it is supposed to be. The penalty of sin is death. In the Old Testament, unblemished animals were sacrificed as payment but had to be done on a regular basis. Jesus was sacrificed for the sins of all mankind once and for all. This set the stage for God to have it all back and return everything to its rightful order. Redemption is available to every person who receives grace and truth and who applies it to his or her life.
The application of redemption is the process of growth. It is returning everything to its rightful “righteous” state. In other words, to solve life’s problems and to grow spiritually are one in the same. To make life work, we must turn to the One who makes life work. We return to God as the source. As we “seek first the kingdom of God” all things are “added unto us” (see Matt 6:33). Redemption helps us to get to the end of ourselves. When we realize that God is the source, we realize that we are impoverished, and this puts us into a position to receive all good things from Him. Ask God to help you see your issues in life and how they are helping you to grow to be more like Him.   

Dying to Live

The Bible and the gospel of Jesus Christ is a great mystery. The Christian life is a paradox.  To help us better understand the term paradox let us first look at the word oxymoron. An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Literary oxymorons are crafted to reveal a paradox. Here are few examples of oxymorons: Why is a "wise man" and “wise guy” opposites? Why are stadium seats or bleachers called “stands" when they are made for sitting? Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? In food we have “jumbo shrimp”. Or how about these: A fine mess, act naturally, agree to disagree, all alone, almost done, almost ready, clearly misunderstood, everything except, minor catastrophe, near miss, new and improved, same difference, terribly pleased, tight slacks, and pretty ugly!
The dictionary defines a paradox as a “seemingly true statement or group of statements that lead to a contradiction or a situation which seems to defy logic or intuition.” Here are a few examples of paradoxes in the Bible: “the first will be last”. The Bible says we are to “give to receive”. In James 1:2 it says “count it all joy when facing trials of many kinds.”  God who is creator of all things created this principle: something must die to live. In nature, the death of a seed gives new life. "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" (John 12:24).
Also in nature we have the butterfly. The butterfly goes through four stages: from egg to the larva or better known as the caterpillar. The Caterpillar then forms a protection shield called the Pupa when it has finished growing. This stage is very much like a death. The caterpillar creates a type of tomb or vessel surrounding itself. Interestingly most of the transformation takes place in side Pupa. From there it is reborn as a butterfly. Just as in the principal of the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly, God takes us where we were, works on us where we are at, and puts us on a path with purpose and meaning.

The most relevant paradox is then, when in death, life and growth is revealed. Jesus' death on the cross gave us life. "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake so His life may be revealed in our mortal body." (2 Corinthians 4:11-12).

When Jesus extended us an invitation to experience salvation and a relationship with Him, it came with a great cost, our very lives: death of our old nature so that He might live through us. And it will result in an eternal reward that far exceeds any earthly reward. Yet what we don't realize is that until we relinquish our total lives, we really aren't living at all. Without this death we will continue to strive, manipulate, fret and worry over every detail of life. It is only when we finally say, "Yes, Lord, I am completely yours," that we experience real freedom and life for the first time. This is the only time when Christ is fully seen in and through our lives. Christ describes our lives as vessels: vessels for Him to be revealed in and seen by others.

Just as a seed when fully developed produces fruit, the evidence of the life in Jesus in us is what Paul talks about in Galatians 5:22 concerning the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To understand how to “die is to live” requires faith in a God who operates from a different set of values that are sometimes difficult for you and me to measure from our human standards and point of view. How is your vessel today? Or like the caterpillar, your Pupa? When people look inside, will they see a life that is dead to all things natural and being transformed supernaturally to the very likeness of Christ?

Every day we are faced with challenges that seek to instill fear and control at every turn, but Christ says He wants to live through your life. He wants to reveal Himself to those whom you are in contact with. However, He can only do this if we are willing to die to our own self. Let death work in you a life that only God can raise up. Ask Jesus what things must die in you today in order for Him to live completely in and through you.

June 19, 2011

How do I Change?

Everyone wants his or her life to be fulfilling and successful.  Do you know where you are going in life? What is it that you want, desire and hope for most in life? Do you know your purpose and your destiny? These are questions you should ask yourself for you to know the reason for living while on this earth. Genesis 1:27 says “God created man in His own image”. Ephesians 5:1 says “Be imitators of God”. Your purpose in life is to become more like Jesus and to reflect the glory of God. Your destiny is your eternal value and primary purpose why you are here.

How does God go about changing us to be His image bearers? “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what, is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go” (Isaiah 48:17). You can be confident God has a plan worked out for you even through setbacks and difficult times. In James 1:2-5 says “Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” When we are mature and complete, we are taking on the character of Christ. We are becoming more like Him; more loving, joyful, forgiving, peaceful, and self-controlled.

In Ephesians 1:7-9 says “Keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the generous Father, may give you the Spirit of Wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of the heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His incomparably great power for us who believe.”  God uses the trials and difficulties that each of us face to mold and shape us into His character and we can freely ask for His wisdom so that we know our purpose and the hope for which He has called us to.    

When we ask God for help, change starts in the heart and the healing process begins. In Paul’s letter to Ephesians he prays that the “eyes of the heart would be enlightened.”  The author of Chronicles says: “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (2 Chronicles 7:14). 

All of our dreams and desires reside in the heart. Ephesians 3:20 says, "God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes!"  We need a healing and change in our will. Our will, what we wish, hope for and want, needs renewal. We need to change from what we desire to what God desires. When we humble ourselves, God changes the heart. Instead of a life of anxiety we have joy. Instead of chaos, we have a peace beyond understanding. In Jeremiah 32:27 God says, "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"  

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God” (Colossians 3:1). God wants us to have an eternal perspective. “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace and to be thankful (Colossians 3:15). The condition of the heart determines the quality of our relationships.  

Change starts in the heart and change continues as we renew the mind. “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2).  The Bible tells us to renew our minds and to think on heavenly things and not the things of the world. We are unable to grow because we continue to repeat the same mistakes. “You were taught , with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24). Renewing the mind challenges our old ways of thinking. We need to change our distorted thinking to understanding Godly principles of His truth. “Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” Psalm 119:105.   

We have power over our lives with the words that we speak. The mouth can get us into trouble and words can also get us out of trouble. “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Col 4:6). There is a direction to freedom. “The mouth of the upright will deliver them” (Proverbs 12:6). “The tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18). Words create, shape and form our world. Words become sentences. Sentences become messages. Messages become experiences and our experiences in life become our life’s lessons. “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things” (Proverbs 12:14). “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

We can verbalize God’s promises and blessings to strengthen and comfort us. In that way, we say what we hear so we can see what we say. It becomes a confession of our faith. “So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11). Speak God’s Word in the name of Jesus, and the power of the Holy Spirit into your life concerning your particular situation. Declare a fresh new blessing into your life. God wants you to be free and to enjoy all that He has planned for you. Use your words wisely. Pray and speak His Word into your life.

Believe it, think it, and say it
Speak your confession of faith. “The Word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that is, the Word of faith we are proclaiming: That if you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved” Romans 10:8-10. Pray the Word: My God shall supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19).

June 13, 2011

Emotion in the Psalms

Emotions. Sometimes we don’t understand them but everybody has them. Psalms is the most emotional of all books in the Bible from joy and love, to anger, fear, hurt and sadness. Reading the Psalms is like reading personal prayers. It’s like hearing a heartfelt song of praise or a song of sorrow. You can share with the writers’ experiences of joy, of healing and deliverance, or the heartache of despair and guilt.  

The key message of Psalms is giving God praise. Music is soothing to the soul. Artists wrote the Psalms. The authors were gifted in music and/or poetry. Their style of writing expressed profound truths not necessarily meant to be analyzed, but rather to be felt and experienced through music, song and worship.

The Psalms address the full range of human needs and the character of God is revealed through the expression of His love and His care for His people. The Psalms meet us where we are in life and what we need immediately. When we feel low, the Psalms lift us up. When feeling lonely and confused, the Psalms provide comfort. When in fear, we find direction for our lives and we are encouraged.

Five books of Psalms

The book of Psalms is divided into five sections or books. Interestingly, in these five books, we can find similarities or parallels to the themes of the first five books of the Old Testament, known as the Pentateuch.

Humanity: Book one of Psalms (chapters 1-41) parallels the theme of Genesis, the foundation and development of humanity and describes the human condition: we are fallen, redeemed, and blessed by God. David wrote most of these Psalms providing a picture of his personal suffering and pain as well as his passion and joy. Chapter 23, “The Lord is my Shepard” is a popular favorite.

Deliverance is the theme of the second book, covering chapters 42-72. God is our Fortress, Refuge, Stronghold, and Strength. These thirty-one songs have much to say about God’s power to deliver His people from their enemies, struggles, and dangers. Book two of Psalm parallels the theme of deliverance in the book of Exodus. “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall” (55:22).

The Sanctuary: God’s dwelling place is the focus of book three in chapters 73-89. God’s people sang these seventeen hymns of worship as they gathered in the temple of the Lord. These songs reflect the formal worship and temple-centered celebration of God’s people; therefore, there is a parallel to the theme of the book of Leviticus. “Restore us, O God; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved” (80:3).

The Lord reigns is the theme found in book four (covering chapters 90-106), which revolves around God’s power and our tendency to resist His power. As in the book of Numbers, the only way to find our way through the desert and tough times of life, is by allowing God to lead us. “May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands” (90:17. Moses wrote chapter 90.)

The Revelation of God through His works and His Word is the theme of the last book of Psalms in chapters 107-150. These last forty-four hymns celebrate God’s greatness and His revelation. Psalms 119 is the longest Psalm and one of the most famous. As with the book of Deuteronomy, Psalms 119 praises His mighty acts and outlines His life-giving laws for Godly and righteous living. “Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts” (139:23).

The Psalms are relevant. Several different people wrote the book of Psalms including David, Moses, Solomon and others, spanning ten centuries. The human condition hasn’t changed since the Psalms were written. Today we can relate to the pain and suffering that they felt as well as their joy and triumphs. The writers of Psalms learned to accept their reality and to let go of their ideal expectations of life. They understood the reality that the world is both good and bad, and that people are both good and bad. They understood negative emotions are part of life. They embraced the good and bad of life and turned toward God for the answers.


The Psalms teach and remind us that no matter the circumstances or the length of difficulties, the deeper the roots, and the longer the winds…the more beautiful the tree. As we take time to understand our emotions and our difficulties in life, we learn that they are part of God’s design: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (139:14).       

June 12, 2011

Acceptance creates Growth

Acceptance is a gift. When love is offered and received, acceptance follows. Acceptance is a part of the loving nature of God called grace. Grace is getting what we don’t deserve. Grace is a gift from God. Grace is an invitation that says you are forgiven and wants relationship. God asks each of us to come to Him and receive Him with all your heart, mind and life. Under grace, we are forever in a state of acceptance. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8).

Why do we need acceptance? God originally designed acceptance as a way of life. Before sin entered in, Adam and Eve were able to relate to God without judgment or condemnation. When Adam and Eve failed to obey God, sin entered into mankind and there began this separation from God. Adam’s fall into sin left humanity without acceptance. Our sinful nature means we are broken and unable to fix ourselves. We are rebellious, prideful, and self-centered, wanting control of our own self and others. Only God’s grace and truth heals, restores and reconciles us back to Him. Relationship with God is possible again when we accept the gift of grace made possible by the Savior’s death and bodily resurrection.

Acceptance provides freedom. Jesus came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17). The Law is impossible to live up to. Acceptance in the form of grace, frees us from the bondage of the Law. When we break the law now, we do not lose relationship, we are no longer separated from God and we do not need to prove ourselves worthy. Acceptance is based on relationship, not performance. (Galatians 3:15-23) On the other hand, acceptance does not give us license. Acceptance is not agreement. Not everything we do is acceptable even though we are accepted. We cannot demand what is already a gift. 

Acceptance creates initiative. As acceptance increases, so does our awareness of other broken parts of our selves. Truly healthy people know they have good parts, but also own their bad parts. Because they have internalized acceptance, they are able to deal with the truth about themselves knowing “God’s grace is more than sufficient”. Be aware of your need. Take the humble step of confessing your inability and needs to God and others.

Acceptance creates safety to be our selves. Even though others are aware of our failures and hang-ups, we know we are loved and we can rest and dwell in relationship. We can be who we are without fear of being criticized or shamed. When we are in a safe relationship, when asked how you are, we can get beyond “I’m fine. How are you?” We can own our neediness without the fear of abandonment or rejection. When we open up and share about ourselves, their response and feedback may not be what we expected. Some criticism is judgmental, but loving confrontation is a necessary part of spiritual growth. Allow people to disagree with you.

Acceptance creates intimacy. Acceptance creates an environment of safety and encouragement.  As we experience comfort, identification and truth without judgment, we begin to heal and grow. We can confess to one another and let someone else know about the negative parts of our selves. “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Where there is acceptance, there is growth. When we know we are loved, we have an internal structure that can hold love in. Acceptance builds bonds and bridges the gap between someone having knowledge of us, and having a safe relationship with us. Allowing ourselves to be who we really are strengthens relationship and builds trust. Being received by God and others is not an end to itself. It is the beginning of the safety and grace needed to grow personally, relationally, emotionally and spiritually.

June 6, 2011

Anger is a Choice

When most people think of anger, they imagine a person shouting and fist slamming. This does happen and is often part of the anger response but anger is not always so stereotypical openly aggressive. Some people suppress their anger while others are passive aggressive. We use the term anger to describe a number of expressions including, blowing off some steam, frustration, irritability, fretting, and annoyance. People feel angry because something of value and what is important to them is being neglected, threatened or violated. Anger thrives on unmet needs. When our essential needs is not addressed or when they are invalidated, the result is emotional turmoil. A common thread is a sense that there is a lack of respect. Our basic needs, personal worth, and basic convictions are not being met or validated.

No human was created to be controlled by another. Having your feelings controlled causes anger. This is a result from relationships where performance is a priority, being different is threatening, or where obligation is perceived as mandatory. In these “it’s my way or the highway” there is little cooperation and compromise. Often anger is a result of poor choices we have made. We make unwise decisions concerning relationships, morality, health, substance abuse, and overemphasis on materialism. Pride influences anger. Prideful people are very self-absorbed and think very highly of themselves. Pride is spiritual disease because it reflects sinful nature.

Anger is manifested in several ways such as ridicule, criticism, or withdrawal. Loneliness makes us vulnerable to anger. Loneliness is the emotion of isolation. People thrive when in a loving and supportive community. We experience loneliness when we neglect relationships or when we fail to state our own needs successfully. When we feel less than or inferior than others, might lead us to anger. God created us in our own unique way. We are not to compare ourselves to anyone or to judge. God made people with their own personal worth and we all have a tendency to sin.

Managing anger is an ongoing challenge. There are times when anger is incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger is associated with legitimate concerns, but is managed irresponsibly. Balance is found when anger is linked to a reasonable issue and is communicated in a proper manner.  By making anger management a matter of choice, you are saying “Although my world may not be stable, I can be stable in it.” You are utilizing real spiritual strength. If anger is defined as preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions, assertive anger means this preservation is accomplished while considering the needs and feelings of others. As you survey your current relationships, what are some legitimate needs you might openly address? As you communicate your needs and convictions be sure your behavior is assertive rather than aggressive. This form of anger can actually help relationships to grow. It represents a mark of personal maturity and stability.

Anger can linger if our attempts are not from the heart. Despite the pain of the past, we must learn to forgive and let things go. Accept your inability to completely control circumstances and you recognize your personal limits. Ultimately, anger can only be managed as we come to terms with God by submitting to Him and His will for our lives. As we do, God works out our selfishness and sense of entitlement and replaces it with a genuine love and concern for others. Are you controlling your anger or is your anger controlling you? 

June 4, 2011

Ownership, Responsibility & Freedom

Once sin entered into mankind, people have had difficulty taking responsibility for what belongs to them. Boundaries define what your responsibility is and what the other person is responsible for. In the fall, boundaries were destroyed. Adam said it was the woman’s fault, not his. She “caused “him to do it. Eve said it was the serpent’s fault, not hers, because he “made her do it”. They thought they could have whatever they wanted and that God really didn’t know what was good for them. They chose to reach beyond their allotted boundaries and God held them responsible for all their choices.

Ownership is crucial in creating boundaries. On one hand, people who are not allowed to own their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, desires, behaviors, and choices never develop a true sense of responsibility. They continue to have difficulty between bonding and boundaries. They do not understand how to have a relationship and at the same time be separate. They don’t understand that each person is responsible for each of their own elements within their boundaries. On the other hand, people who own other people’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, desires, behaviors, and choices extend their boundaries too far and trespass on other people’s property. The desire to control someone else’s life and not allow their freedom of separateness is a serious relationship killer.

Many people do not take responsibility for their own lives. They remain stuck because they want other people to change. They want other people to make it better but usually those people will not. As a result, they are in bondage to them. Freedom comes from taking responsibility and bondage comes from giving responsibility away to your abuser or controller.

It is easy to say we love others, but it is difficult to validate their freedom that comes with love. When they do not do what we want them to do, we cry, pout, send guilt messages, and attempt to control them. Love cannot exist without freedom and freedom cannot exist without responsibility. We must own, take responsibility and learn to deal with what is ours and that includes the disappointment from not getting what we want from another person. Other people’s freedom can lead them to sin against us. The pain we feel is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to deal with it. Many times people do sin against us when exercising their freedom, and we are responsible for dealing with the injury. If we don’t, we stay stuck and powerless against their sin. This “victim” mentality keeps people in pain and they stop growing, learning and loving.

We must confess how we have been sinned against in order to forgive. After an appropriate period of blame, we must begin to take responsibility for the mess that someone else’s sin has left us in. Our situation is part of our property and we must own it. We have to deal with our feelings, attitudes, and behavior so we can get unstuck even when we did not cause it. The following are steps to developing healthy boundaries.

Choose values: define, decide, and pursue who you want to be, where you want to go, and what is important for you to invest your time, energy, ability, and you’re other resources. Be honest with yourself and others, and what is working and what isn’t working.

Gain awareness: understanding who you are is becoming aware of what is your property. Your true identity is formed when you learn who you are apart from another person. Who you are, is what belongs to you including: your body, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, behaviors, abilities, desires, limits, and choices.

Consequences: when we set limits with someone, we do not have to go without love. Consequences are what will motivate others to change their behavior. Confront, limit, and quarantine people who consistently make wrong choices. Do not allow or promote irresponsibility or hurtful behavior with others, as much as possible.

Set Limits: we don’t have to tolerate bad behavior with someone just because we don’t want to be alone. Stop enabling others to be irresponsible by putting limits on how their abusive behavior affects you. Learn to say no. Respect other people’s no and their limits on you.

Internal bonding: for us to learn to develop boundaries, we must have first learned to bond. We learn to bond not only with others, but to have bonding internally in us. Internal bonding is when we are able to experience ourselves as constantly loved, even when in the absence of our loved ones. We are also able to love the absent one, whom we have internalized. This gives us the sense of emotional security, even though we are alone.

External support: when we work on our lack of attachment to others and establish supportive relationships with others who are for us, we are reinforcing our ability to set limits with those whom we do not want to lose relationship with. If someone cannot attach, then separateness or boundaries will have no meaning. We must be able to be “a part” of someone or something before we can be “apart”. Attachment gives us the strength and safety to separate. In our early stages of bonding we build a foundation love and we are rooted in love. We can never really separate from someone if we have not first been bonded.