Expression through a spoken word is the most obvious form of communication. Words create, shape and form your world. Words become sentences. Sentences become messages. Messages become experiences and your experiences in life become your life’s lessons. Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Effective communication is a two-way interaction. Verbal communication involves a speaker (sender) and a listener (receiver) and when complete, a process called feedback. Feedback is a positive response with the intent to clarify. Accurate verbal exchange requires feedback so that the speaker or listener can correct any miscommunication. It is not about what the speaker says that defines communication; it is about what the listener understands. The listener contributes significantly when he or she, are practicing being an active receiver. The goal of communication is to develop and further understanding. Making “contact” with a person is only one-way communication. Leaving a voice mail or sending an email is examples of one-way contact.
When you speak, it’s not only important to carefully select your words, but to be careful of the way you project your tone. The pitch, strength and level of tone play a significant role in how others perceive you. It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It is a common human behavior to set up communication barriers through biases or personalized filters such as opinions, tendencies, inclinations, and prejudices. These barriers are a major hindrance to hearing and understanding what has been said and a frequent cause of miscommunication. Examples of barriers include language limitations, culture diversity, negative emotions, age differences, and physical disabilities such as hearing loss. Being honest is vital to communication. Sometimes it’s not always what you say, but what you don’t say that creates a barrier. Example: purposely leaving out important facts is deceitful.
There are five levels of communication. The five levels are not suggesting a process of “steps”. Steps would indicate an order from one to the next. Levels make reference to the higher the number, the deeper depth of communication. In regards to manners or formality, it would be ideal if all communication followed some form of protocol. A greeting is the first level of communication. When you greet someone, you are acknowledging his or her presence. Eye contact is very important when greeting. Without eye contact the greeting is superficial and insincere. Examples of a greeting or clichés are: “Nice to meet you,” “it’s great to see you”, “have a nice day” or “how are you?” Discussing facts is the second level of communication. The second level includes general information such as knowledge, data, or relaying a message. This includes topics concerning most anything or anyone including personal, friends, family, work, entertainment, public or world news when it relates to just the facts.
Expressing opinions is the third level of communication. To have effective communication concerning opinions, personal boundaries must be understood. Giving opinions and not taking ownership of opinions creates conflict. On one hand, the speaker who is offering his or her opinion cannot be completely informed of all the facts or history of the listener. If the receiver of your opinion feels hurt, it is normal for him or her to become angry or withdraw from you. On the other hand even though opinions can be perceived as hurtful, the person with the hurt feelings must take responsibility for their feelings. This is the understanding of boundaries: our true identity is formed when we grasp the significance of what is our property and what belongs to other people. When boundaries are understood, the speaker’s freedom to express his or her opinion is validated, and the listener’s freedom to accept or decline the opinion is also validated. Taking responsibility for your feelings begin with learning to “guard your heart” (Proverbs 4:23). Learn to accept that everyone has an opinion even when you do not agree with it. Opinions can be positive if it conveys heart felt concerns, expectations, goals, dreams and desires, and as long as the other persons feels their freedom has been validated. It is best to not always be so quick to offer an opinion. Learn to be a better listener. In relational issues, instead of opinions, offer your encouragement and support.
The fourth level of communicating is learning to express feelings. Part of the healing process of pain is allowing someone to comfort you when you feel lonely or betrayed. Feelings of sadness and anger are normal and part of the grieving process but eventually you must move on. Use good judgment when confiding with others about your personal life. For the listener at this level, show empathy. Empathy is being open and objective (not forming judgments) to someone’s feelings and emotions, and their meaning and significance.
Learning to express your relational neediness is the deepest level of communication. Communication at this level forms a bond or connection because you are expressing your weaknesses, failures, issues and other difficulties. For the listener at this level, appreciate the speaker for their transparency and vulnerability. Trust is vital when sharing feelings and needs. When someone is sharing his or her relational needs and feelings, they are taking a risk at being misunderstood or betrayed. Again, always use good judgment when confiding with others about your personal life.
It has been estimated that the majority of communication is unspoken. Verbal communication is one-dimensional but the nonverbal is multidimensional. Nonverbal communication can be perceived in many forms including the five following characteristics: Appearance is an outward projection of one’s self and a superficial aspect of communication, for example, clothes, grooming, and the manner of his or her speech. Appearance helps to form and shape your overall image. Appearance communicates what we think of ourselves, and influences the perceptions and opinions of what others think of us.
Body language is a form of nonverbal communication. Body language often communicates emotion. Facial expressions are a universal expression of emotion. The six most common facial expressions are: anger, sadness, happiness, surprise, fear, and disgust. Body language includes body motion, facial expressions, gestures, and eye contact. Body language is often unintentional, but plays a major role in communication because it is continuous and more reliable than verbal communication. Sometimes when the verbal and the nonverbal do not match, people tend to believe what they see rather than what they hear.
Use of space is another nonverbal form of communication. Every person has an intimate, personal, social, and public territory or space. This “zone of comfort” depends upon on the person’s needs at that time.
Physical touch communicates nonverbal messages. Touching includes any kind of physical contact. Touching can take a variety of forms and can communicate many different meanings. Social touching can occur when one person shakes the hand of another. Personal touch may include holding hands, hugs or a pat on the back. Some people do not like to be touched and may consider any form of touch undesirable or even hostile.
Active listening is the fifth form of nonverbal communication. Communication is a two way process. Effective communication requires that the listener participate. The average person can speak about 125 to 150 words per minute but average person can also absorb 500 to 600 words per minute. That means the listener must use the extra time to actively listen. Active listening means taking positive steps through feedback to understand the intent of the speaker.
Communication can also be defined through “The Five Love Languages.” All aspects of emotional, relational, and spiritual growth require a foundation of love: grace. Genuine love places the needs of the other person first and desires for the partner to grow and flourish. Every person has a primary love language. When we understand and practice the love languages of others, we provide them with emotional strength that “fuels” them when their emotional “tanks” are low. As you learn the primary love language in your significant relationships, the other four languages will be enhanced and have more meaning.
Words of Affirmation: Words are powerful because a word sends a message. Words of appreciation and encouragement say, “I care about you”. Tell someone how much you love them and then mention some of his or her positive traits. Affirming words can be written as well as spoken. If writing is difficult, buy a card and underline the words that express your feelings and perhaps add a brief note at the bottom of the card.
Quality Time: The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together. Quality time should include pleasant eye contact along with sharing thoughts and feelings through quality conversations. Developing a connection and being relational is the ultimate goal of spending quality time.
Acts of Service: Often we think, simply telling someone we love him or her sufficiently conveys love but our actions speaks volume when your behaviors match your words. Loving service is an internal motivated desire to give one’s energy to others. Doing something extra like washing the car, doing yard work, or cooking a meal for a neighbor or friend, is a sacrificial expression of love and kindness.
Gifts Giving: Most gifts require a great deal of creativity, effort and time to which conveys thoughtfulness. The most meaningful gifts become symbols of love. Use caution to not substitute gift giving for personal involvement. For gift giving to be truly appreciated, the other love languages must be practiced and evident as well.
Physical Touch: Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally, because there is no need for a special occasion or excuse to make physical contact. To those who have a primarily love language of physical touch, any form of touch has a greater significance. Physical touch is only acceptable when appropriate.
Believe it, think it, and say it: Because of the love Jesus has shown me, and because of the Holy Spirit who dwells in me, I am becoming more loving to others. Love is motivating me to better relate to others because I want to, not because I have to. As I grow and learn to be more loving, I can improve at communicating. I am learning to actively listen, to be compassionate, and show consideration to other’s feelings and needs. I can validate others to be who they are and have their own opinions, even when I do not agree. I am learning to let go of expecting others to take responsibility for my issues, hurts, and hang-ups. I’m learning to bond and take ownership for my boundaries! Thank you God, for your elements (grace, truth, and time) for my emotional, relational, and spiritual growth, amen.
