Jesus helps us Grow

No matter what the struggle or issue, our growth is a result from relationship. We cannot grow if we are all alone emotionally. Life is too difficult. When we know that someone understands, we know we are not alone with our thoughts and feelings, and we gain the encouragement we need to persevere in our growth. People need two types of relationships to grow: the divine and human. We need to know that we are heard on human level with people and on a divine level with God. This ongoing relationship in the heart of every believer is a promise found in Matthew 28:20 “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Identity in Jesus: With Jesus we have a personal and living connection with God. Jesus provides us a living, breathing, picture of how God wants us to live. He serves as a model that can teach us and comfort us in many growth situations. The Bible is full of growth principles and Jesus gives us a personal and human example so we can see and internalize these messages within our hearts. By faith Jesus lives inside us: “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith” (Ephesians 3:16-17).

His example: In the world’s view, the path to fame and fortune is “having it all together”. The example shown by Jesus to the path of glory is by experiencing pain and suffering: “Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs to God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His suffering in order that we may also share in His glory” (Romans 8:17). No one grows to maturity who does not understand suffering. Dealing with failures and sin involves pain within us and in our relationships. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross did provide us with the grace that we need: “All things are possible through Christ who strengthens us” but, even though we are in Christ and everything will be ultimately ok, we are still on this earth today and things aren’t ok. The Bible provides us with many stories to give us examples of this principle such as the people of Israel. They were given the promise land but had to wait forty years to possess it. In the same way, we have much work to do before we celebrate the final victory. We naturally want to avoid suffering but Jesus saw suffering as a way to grow. “Although He was a son, he learned obedience from what He suffered” (Heb. 5:8).

Everyday living: When we are hurt emotionally, we tend to deny it. Remembering the injuries from hurtful relationships and experiences can be very painful. We want to avoid or minimize what has happened. Jesus never pretended He didn’t feel the hurt, in fact, He did just the opposite: He spoke to his disciples about His future suffering, which upset them greatly. They were horrified he was being so negative (see Matt.16:21-22). Jesus normalized suffering. Can you identify with the attitude Jesus had towards suffering?

Growth comes when we face the Truth

We learn to cope with pain by burying the truth. We think if we just hide it, it will go away. Denial becomes our method to feel safe. As long as we don’t think about the pain, we think we are ok. But the pain is still there. We become comfortably numb and insensitive to our own pain and the pain of others. We’ve lost ourselves and our ability to be in touch with our own feelings and the ability to trust.

No matter what we hear about prayer and Bible reading and how spiritual the answer to our problem might seem, we still do not completely believe it. We want to be assured we have value even though others have seen us at our worst or heard about our unfavorable past. Not until we know if someone will make sense of the pain and will they minister to our emotional turmoil, do we begin to believe and trust.

Growing intimacy within the bond of friendship is necessary to replace the missing trust and validation. We need mentors and friends who will tell us the truth about what they see in us. They understand what it is like to be wounded, and who are a few steps ahead on the journey to whole living. The truth is digestible because of grace. Grace means you are accepted just the way you are. When we accept grace and truth, we can begin to understand our defense mechanisms. We can begin to see how we use denial, minimize the hurt, use excuses, rationalization and other things to cover up the pain.

As we bond together, we lay the foundation of growth. Reconstruction begins. We begin to develop trust. But we mustn’t blindly trust. All relationships require boundaries. We learn that we are separate people with our own thoughts and ability to make choices. We must learn to take responsibility for what belongs to us and allow others the freedom to be who they are. To help keep us accountable, we allow our bonded relationships to confront us when we sin. By allowing our trusted friends and mentors to lovingly confront our behavior, we learn to accept the truth about ourselves. We begin to feel safe within our support system and we can begin to heal and mature over time.

The Word tells us that His grace is sufficient. Grace imparts to us forgiveness and righteousness that transforms us. Even though we continue to have a sinful nature, grace imparts to us eternal value and purpose. When we accept both the good and bad parts of ourselves, we see ourselves as a whole person. When we do not accept that we are weak and will fail, we are not fully accepting the grace that makes us whole.

To continue to grow, requires being honest about yourself. Humility is admitting you do not have all the answers. We need to have a teachable spirit. If we are serious about changing and healing, we must stop pointing the finger at others or letting ourselves be victims to our feelings of shame. Have you come to the realization of why you think, feel, and act the way you do?

Grace helps us Grow

Life works when we are growing and God has given us a complete system to grow. Redemption is the process to growth and comes through faith, repentance, and obedience. If we do not build our lives on these elementary principles, we will not have a secure foundation. We must have the basics in place and then go beyond the basics. “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). The answers to life and to all of the troubles and issues are found in seeking God and His righteousness. Spiritual growth is the foundation of any kind of “life building”.

One of the biggest obstacles to growth is how we view God. People do not grow until they shift from a natural human view of God to the real, biblical view of God. The first aspect of that shift has to be from a God of law to the God of grace. Grace is a key element to God’s system of growth. When we first look at having a view of God that affects growth, we must begin with grace. To grow, we need things that we do not have and cannot provide for ourselves. This “grace” is God’s provision of various resources and tools that help us to grow. We need the source of those things we need and that looks at us with favor. Grace says “I am for you and I will help you get what you need.”

The law makes things worse, not better. The law proves our guilt and shows us that we consistently fail to live up to God’s standards. The law is useless as a change agent. The law cannot change people or make them grow. It is “powerless” to do that, as Paul says in Romans 8:3. But the law does provide awareness as a way to help people know their need. The law shows us that we are hopeless to help ourselves. In order to grow we have to reach the end of ourselves. But we can never get to the end of ourselves until we stop believing we can do it on life on our own. We have needs and only God can meet those needs. Redemption puts things back as God had intended them to be. We have a “standing in grace” (see Rom.5:1). “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” God is not mad at us for our failures and weaknesses. In fact, He calls it a “blessed” state, unable to do what we need to do (Matt 5:3 & 2Cor 12:9-10).  

For growth to happen, we must seek God. God is for us, not against us. We need to realize God is the God of grace. Grace that leads to true lasting change is in His unmerited favor. He will provide for us what we cannot provide for ourselves. Grace means that we receive the gifts we need for growth to occur. We encounter grace when we come to the end of ourselves either through realizing our failure to attain His standard, or through experiencing the consequences of having our lives fall short of the standard. Either way, we die to self. We must realize that we have failed and that we have no hope of reaching the life we desire in and of ourselves. After that, the law of God guides us, empowered by grace, to structure life as it was created to be.     

Growth comes from looking at the Need

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). The way of the enemy is to fragment us in our thinking, emotions, and relationships. Grace and truth makes us whole and complete.

We have an ideal version of ourselves. It is who we want to be. Our ideal self would not be needy. In our ideal world, everything is all-good and works out just right. Because we have been injured in many ways and because we desperately seek the approval of others, we deny or hide our emotional underdevelopment and inabilities. The authentic self is real. It is who we really are. It is more than perception and our limited view, but life as it really is. The reality is we have many imperfections, weaknesses, and immaturities. Because we want the approval of others, we create a high ideal and belief for us to look the part of worldly success, and in doing so we neglect our real self that needs forgiveness and acceptance. This split version of the ideal and real in ourselves and others, sets us up for many emotional and relational difficulties. 

Sometimes we ignore the bad. We deny the bad because bad is negative. We have expectations of others but when they fail us, we blame and punish them. We devalue or lesson the importance of any thing around us that does not meet our expectations. We stop going to the church or group, we quit the job, minimize the importance of family or friends and move to yet another imperfect and disappointing situation or relationship. Love does not deny the truth, positive or negative. Good and bad co-exist in each of us but God still accepts us the way we are.

When we become more like Christ, we begin to see how God views that person who is the source of our trouble and pain. Sometimes we are the one who creates the trouble. When we begin to see ourselves or other people as God does, we no longer look at them as our enemies, but rather someone who is hurting and needs grace. This is how Jesus could give of His life for us. He saw our great need, not what we did to Him. God looks at the person and sees their needs and knows why they respond the way they do. He teaches us to look beyond the person's behavior to understand the source of their need. When we gain understanding, God gives us a picture of this person and shows us they are inside a prison cell and in bondage. These bondages make people do what they do. We can pray for them and genuinely love them in spite of the fact what they do to us. This is the kind of love Jesus wants us to have when He tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who spitefully use us.

God allows discomfort in our circumstances to teach us the best response. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete” (James 1:2-3). God does a special work of grace in those who go beyond the realm of normal response to persecution. He brings us to a level of grace we never thought possible. When someone wrongs you, do you seek to retaliate, or do you pray to understand the need behind the offender's actions?

Growth comes from the Inner Strength of Humility

Humility is a reflection of Christ like qualities and the power of the Holy Spirit within you. “Who, being in very nature - God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8). Humility is a source of inner strength. The dictionary defines humility as being modest, not being arrogant, or rude. The meaning of humility in the Bible is putting aside your own agenda and not believing that you are superior to others. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Humility is not clothing self in an attitude of voluntary self-punishment. Humility is about maintaining respect for others. Humility is shifting the focus away from self and continually recognizing the contributions of others. But the notion of being self-effacing is one that we struggle with in our competitive culture, prescribing that we take every opportunity to blow our own horn. “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 14:11). There is always a time in life’s journey when one will be in a situation of not having all the answers. Admitting your inability and seeking others' input and help requires humility.  

You cannot be real or authentic without humility. There are times when swallowing one's pride is difficult as we get caught up in a contest of perfection, each side seeking to look better than the other. As we find ourselves in such no-win situations, consider developing some strategies to ensure that the circumstances don't lead you to lose your cool. Try this sometimes: stop talking and allow the other person to be in the limelight. There is something very liberating in this strategy. Here are three magical words that will produce more peace of mind than a week of regret: "You are right."

Often we confuse humility with shyness or weakness, lacking self-assurance or courage. Humbleness is a quiet confidence without pretense or deception. It's a lack of arrogance, not a lack of aggressiveness in the pursuit of achievement. It's about being content to let others discover the layers of our talents without having to boast about them. Often, those who achieve the most brag the least, and the more secure they are in themselves, the more humble they are. "True merit is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes". The better your relationship with God, the less you have to prove.

Something happens when we approach situations from a perspective of humility: it opens us up to possibilities, as we choose open-mindedness and curiosity rather than protecting our point of view. We spend more time willing to learn from what others have to offer. We move away from pushing into allowing, from insecure to secure, from seeking approval to seeking enlightenment. We forget about being perfect and we enjoy being in the moment. There are many benefits to practicing humility: it improves all types of relationships, it reduces anxiety, it encourages more openness, and ironically it enhances one's self-confidence.

Is it so important to impose your point of view, overtaking discretion? Is your correction of others a reflection of your own needs? 

Change comes from believing Christ died to take away your shame

Shame always results in a loss of dignity. Shame is defined as a negative emotion caused by an awareness of wrongdoing, hurt ego, or guilt. Shame is often caused by “getting caught”, embarrassment, or public exposure - sometimes caused by your own choices, and sometimes caused by the violation of others.

                            

Shame produces emotional pain. When a person is shamed, his or her emotions are damaged. This causes a sense of loss, hurt, and devaluation. Some may say: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." God's Word, however, teaches that words can injure the innermost part of a person (Proverbs 18:8). Unlike broken skin, a broken spirit does not automatically heal. Emotional pain can be so real it can actually cause physical pain such as heaviness in the chest, stomach pain, digestive irregularities, headaches, sleep disturbances, and others.

Pain calls for relief. We lick our emotional wounds by medicating our pain through a multitude of ways: sports, food, money, sex, TV, personal achievements, immoral relationships, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, rage and various other things. Some people use religion to evade their pain and deny their true feelings. Many hurting people turn to the church in an effort to alleviate the pain. After being involved for a while, they often drop out, still hurting. Church is an escape for them like drugs to an addict. They want to “feel” better but fail to address the reason that causes the pain. When the pain continues to reoccur, they think church just isn’t for them so they give up.

Some relief methods like food are not wrong in themselves but we can abuse them by over indulgence in an attempt to cover up the hurts. If the method of relief in itself is sinful then the individual feels guilt which produces more shame-pain which, in turn, calls for more of the addictive substance or practice and so the cycle continues. 

Jesus completely took away and identified with all of us in our shame. Jesus made those He contacted feel better about him or herself: an adulteress walked away with her sense of worth restored (John 8). Jesus is our substitute and is able to meet our deepest needs. Jesus bore our shame so we could be emotionally healed of shame and disgrace. Isaiah predicted that the Messiah would be "...despised and rejected of men" (Isaiah 53:3). Christ was mocked and devalued, jeered and mistreated on our behalf. He was spit upon and He was hung naked. In the Old Testament, both spitting and nakedness were forms of shame.

Jesus is not only our Guilt Offering, but our Shame Bearer. All His sufferings on our behalf were for our shame when Jesus was publicly beaten, mocked, whipped, and nailed to the Cross. Those who turn to Him will no longer need to medicate pain because their feelings will be healed and their compulsions will be forgotten in the light of His grace. We can believe that He "...carried our sorrows" for us (Isaiah 53:4). However your dignity may have suffered, you need to realize that part of the work of God in your life is to restore you to wholeness in how you see yourself.

Can you remember times when your sense of value was cheapened by the behavior of others? Do you say things about yourself that others said about you long ago?

Growth comes from Letting go of Past Injuries

Part of growing up is having healthy relationships and resolving the past. We have to learn to process emotional pain. Feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger are emotional responses to being ignored (rejected) or mistreated (personal dignity has been demeaned). We all want to be acknowledged for our personal worth and value, our essential needs met, and our basic convictions are acknowledged. Holding onto past hurts is a barrier that prevents us from growing and maturing. The issues we experience in life are not always our fault but it is our responsibility to deal with them.  

We need organization and structure to maintain peace and order in our lives. As we mature we learn the value of cooperation and compromise within our families, marriages, friendships, workplaces, and churches. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by demands by people or institutions. These demands can lead one to feel controlled, and that leads to conflict. Excessive control is when: performance takes a priority over relationship, differentness is threatening, and when obligation is taught as being mandatory rather than a choice. In essence, your boundaries are not respected and basic freedoms are not validated.  

Control hinders relationship. Performance is important but it is not the essence of who we are. What we feel, how we think, what we perceive, these elements are at the core of who we are. People like familiarity. When change occurs, often people feel threatened and become fearful. While we all need structure, we have difficulty with others when they insist we follow their way of thinking. Relating in love means personal, intimate matters take first priority. Relating in love first with God and then with others is the ultimate goal in life.  

While we cannot stop people from attempting to control us, we are free to sidestep their demands and instead make choices that are the most responsive. When faced with conflict we have two options: speak truth in love or to let go. If you feel disrespected or ignored and you do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour and your contributions to relationships will be negative. As you communicate your needs and convictions, make sure your behavior is assertive rather than aggressive. Assertiveness is taking steps to work things out. The goal is to resolve, not blame.

When assertiveness proves to be fruitless, the other option is to let go of your expectations and accepting your inability to completely control circumstances. Letting go is also choosing to forgive. Forgiveness is both a choice and a process. Forgiveness is not forgetting what has happened, nor is it conceding defeat. Forgiveness is the healthy, emotional choice. Forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is saying: I still dislike the wrongs I’ve suffered but I choose to thrive in spite of them.  

When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance. Only God can help us fully process the pain of our past injuries. God's intervention in our lives is the only path to the true reconciliation with our fellow man that is so essential for our emotional and mental health.

What is the root cause that prevents you from resolving conflict and past injuries?

How the Big Picture affects Growth

The application of redemption is the process of growth: The Bible begins with these three ideas; God as the source, relationship is primary, and God as the authority. In the big picture, God’s role was to be the source and provider. Our role was to depend on the source. In the fall, the created order was reversed. People became independent of the source, and become self-sufficient. They lost the primary relationship with God and with each other. They wanted to depend only on themselves. In trying to control life, they lost control of themselves. Through redemption, the created order was put back to the way God had intended it to be. For some of us the “fall” still reigns in our lives today. We can do all the right things like Bible study, prayer, and the rest and still not be “reconciled” to the way things are supposed to be. Even though we believe in God, we do not always look to Him in every area of our lives. God made us to be dependent on Him. To make life work, we must turn to the One who created life. We also must look to the body of Christ as another key ingredient to the process of growth and healing.

Judging vs. evaluation: Even though the created order was put back the way God had intended, we still want the role as judge. Judging has to do with “playing God.” When we judge we place ourselves above another. We’re condemning and creating our own standards. When we are judged, we no longer feel free to be ourselves and own our experience because of the fear of guilt, shame, and condemnation. Judgment makes us hide our experience and the truth of what is really going on with us. On the other hand, when we evaluate someone we are not placing ourselves above the other person. Instead we identify with the person as a fellow sinner and struggler, humbling ourselves as we realize that we are subject to temptation also. The three elements of helpful evaluation are humility, forgiveness, and correction. We humbly bow to God’s standard in evaluating each other and call each other to repentance.

Vulnerability and trust is part of growth: Relationships take effort. We want others to like us so we try to make them happy. Trying to make someone happy is trying to control their feelings. Control is often tied to fear. We fear change. We fear that people won’t like us and they will leave us. When we try to control others we lose control of ourselves. We make promises, argue, get angry, withdraw, or other methods. When we allow God to be in control, we are yielding to His control and we are to develop self-control. When we give up trying to control what is not in our control, we can regain control of what we were designed to control; ourselves. Self-control is the fruit or result of giving up God’s role and taking the role we were meant to have; yielding to God. We are to give up external control and regain internal control to have self-control. Often enough, we find that for life to work right, we have to discover and align ourselves to God’s ways of believing and trusting in Him to get out of our suffering. Instead of holding onto fear that you will lose control, what area(s) of your life do you need to let go of and instead, give it to God?

Growth comes through the Attitude of the Mind

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:23-24).

Your attitude is basically made of three parts: what you think, feel, and do. Attitudes of the mind have to do with your view point, position or stance - towards others, life, work and relationships. How you think forms your beliefs and values. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. Values define what is important to you. Distorted thinking is often the blockage to resolving relationship issues. We don’t recognize our thinking patterns as a source of discomfort in our life. We look at people and situations and conclude that reality must be the way we perceive it. Your perceptions of people are distorted by past relationship injuries, and incorrect assumptions of what you expect them to be.  

Most often, attitudes are learned early in life and they play a big part in who you are and how you operate. Your attitude affects your ability to set and enforce boundaries. Personal boundaries define what belongs to you and what belongs to someone else. You need to own your attitudes because it is within your property line. You are the one who feels the affects, and only you can change your attitude.

People who have never questioned their attitudes and beliefs often hold onto the traditions of others. They have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. Instead they think the thoughts of others without examining them. They accept the opinions and reasoning’s of others, never questioning why they think the way they do. Consider the origin of your thought process. “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ” (Colossians 2:8). 

How strongly you feel about something, good or bad, is your emotional response of your attitude. Feelings come from the heart and tell you the condition of your relationships whether things are going well or not. If you feel validated, things are going well. If you feel angry and frustrated, there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Feelings shouldn’t be ignored but they shouldn’t consume your life. Your feelings are a compass that points to a problem so you can address the underlying cause.

Your behavior is a physical expression of your attitude. How and what you say to people is only a small percentage of overall communication. Non-verbal communication conveys a large part of your attitude. People may hear what you say but they will believe what they see. Also, they may forget what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. Your feelings and behavior are a reflection of how you think.

What distorted thinking is hindering your relationships? What are your feelings telling you about the condition of your key relationships? What do your actions and behavior say about you? Is your current behavior a reflection of Christ? What does it mean to be “created like God in true righteousness and holiness”?