Feeling controlled causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we mature, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within family, marriage, friendship, workplace, and church. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands by people or institutions. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. Excessive controlling behavior is shown in a variety of ways, often seen aggressively as bossy, critical, stubborn, strongly opinionated, and argumentative. Control can also be recognized in a more passive aggressive way through unavailability, silence, apathy, fretting, and ultra-sensitivity. Three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers when: (1) performance takes priority over relationships, (2) difference is threatening, (3) obligation is taught as being mandatory rather than a choice.

Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think, feel, and what we perceive are at the core of our identities and who we are. Anger comes when performance or actions, are the focus, rather than our feelings or perceptions.

Usually we feel empty because we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener.  When this becomes a pattern and chronically repeated, we feel disrespected. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then conform to the other person’s way of thinking. Harmony is found when we blend our God given uniqueness in complementary ways.

Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been eliminated.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed and when acceptance comes only when conformity is mandatory.  

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. We often accept that invitation by engaging in our own brand of control. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance.

Acknowledging freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it.

How can you begin to relate to another person’s control with a mindset of freedom? 

Anger is a choice: Why can’t you just love me?

When we feel consistently loved our emotions show it through our stability. The more we struggle with anger, the more it indicates that our need for love was not met. Through anger we cry the unspoken question, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Feeling unloved breed’s extreme dependency: Dependency is normal part of human development. Throughout the many growth stages, we want to be accepted by our peers and to be part of community. It is the glue that holds relationships together. Extreme dependency is what we want to avoid: you cannot be emotional secure until you receive the reinforcement you deeply crave from others. All humans share the trait of dependency that becomes extreme when love needs go unmet. Extreme dependency allows inner thoughts and emotions to be dictated by external circumstances. When our needs for love are balanced, we are less dependent, but when our love needs are not met, our dependencies increase, making us more vulnerable to anger.

Developing Spiritual well-being: When your dependency on humans is exchanged for a dependency on strength from God, you begin to learn what it means to have a deeply rooted sense of spiritual well-being. Our dependency for love can be met by accepting God’s great declaration of our worth. We find it only as we appeal to God for the transforming work of His Holy Spirit and pray for His intervention. Balancing your dependencies can be achieved in part by the following four ways: (1) Acknowledge the unreliability of other people. This encourages us to accept the reality of the sinful nature in us all. (2) Spiritual well-being occurs as we acknowledge our own inability to solve all our own problems. We simply do not have what it takes to find His peace. As we admit our weaknesses we take a step toward personal stability. (3) Yield your self-will to the will of Christ and summit your life to His ways. You will no longer be bound by the opinions of others, and your success is inevitable.  (4) Spiritual well-being comes by choosing to endorse the healthy characteristics prescribed in God’s Word by setting boundaries and acting assertively when necessary. Knowing you can draw upon spiritual strength, you can choose not to let your anger be at the mercy of your environment. Don’t let your mood be dependent on the feelings and actions of others.

Developing a contemplative mind: The first step toward a balanced dependency is developing spiritual well-being. To make this trait a powerful reality is the awareness of why you need spiritual well-being. When we contemplate the meanings of our behavior, godly traits become purposeful rather than performance driven. We are not just going through the motions, but acting out well-conceived convictions. Contemplative thinking leads to this conclusion: In the Lord I have competence. I do not have to be pulled down by others’ behavior. The extreme dependency mind says: I worry about how others treat me. I’ve got to have steady surroundings so I can be stable. The contemplative mind says: I can manage just fine even when others don’t think as I do. I can learn how to remain steady even in the midst of unrest.  

Managing your Anger

Our challenge is in how we manage our anger. Three unhealthy choices of dealing with anger include Suppressing Anger, Open Aggression, and Passive Aggression. By contrast, there are two healthy choices of managing anger. Assertive Anger involves stating our needs and feelings in a manner that still show respect for another. Dropping Anger includes adjusting yourself to reality and forgiveness.

Suppressing Anger: Many people don’t admit their anger so they deny it. This is a type of emotional dishonesty and phoniness. They are concerned more with their lofty image than their relationships. They never want to appear weak or inferior, so they stubbornly maintain an outer front of having it all together. Other people who suppress anger have recognized that rageful anger has no place in a healthy personality, so they believe all anger is wrong. Anger is painful and it does destroy relationships so it is easy to conclude, “If this is what anger leads to, I want nothing to do with it,” so they suppress it.

Open Aggression: Open Aggression can easily be identified because it does not hide in the same way as Suppressing Anger does. This includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blame, bickering, criticism, griping, and sarcasm. There is a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs, there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others with high odds of foul play. A major reason for OA is majoring in the minors: too much emotional energy is spent on trivial matters that simply won’t go away. Emotionally balanced people accept imperfections and acknowledge their limits to force people in a mold. Another reason for OA is personal insecurity. They are so needy in wanting respect they take this normal desire too far. Their emotional stability hangs by a thread, with extreme dependency of the unbending cooperation of others.

Passive Aggression: Like OA, anger expressed through PA involves preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions at someone else’s expense. But it differs in that it is accomplished in a quiet manner. Also like OA, PA is caused by a need to have control and is engaged in a battle of superiority. These people have realized that too much honesty about personal differences lessons his or her ability to maintain an upper hand. Many of these people already have a habit of Suppressing Anger.

Assertive Anger: If you feel disrespected and do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour, bitter, and your contribution to relationships will be negative. Two key reminders will help as you learn to communication assertively: (1) Choose issues that are worthy of your emotional energy. (2)Be aware of how your tone of voice can create an atmosphere of respect for others. Your goal is to communicate your emotions in a constructive fashion while maintaining respect for the other party.

Dropping Anger: This option includes tolerance of differences, as well as choosing to forgive. That means you let go, and accept your inability to completely control circumstances. Dropping Anger does not hinge on someone else’s decisions. While a spirit of teamwork can be most beneficial to anger reduction, it is not a must.

Discussion questions: How can you be honest with someone while still respecting them? What are some situations in your life in which you could drop your anger?

What is Anger?

All is well when we feel understood, supported, accepted, and connected. On the other hand, anger is ignited from the hurtful words and actions of another. Anger is a general term to describe several emotional expressions including frustration, irritability, annoyance, and blowing off steam. Anger is defined as intent to (1) preserve personal worth, (2) preserve essential needs, and to (3) preserve basic convictions.

Preserving personal worth: Anger is common to every person, found in all personality types. We are guaranteed to encounter this negative emotion because we are imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. Anger comes when you feel the need to clearly communicate that your personal boundaries have been violated. Purposely intended by the speaker to cause harm or not, the angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned from having been ignored, denied, offended, mistreated, wronged, or controlled. Perceptions are more powerful than intentions. The common message perceived is a lack of respect. Hurtful people offer judgmental evaluations and critical opinions. Anger is a choice when we can begin to accept God’s grace and truth that produces in us a God given identity, His character, purpose, and eternal value.

Preserving essential needs: Everyone needs love, encouragement, and respect. Essential needs are common to us all. These needs must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being. We feel confused, hurt, and angry when our essential needs are not addressed or validated. The essential needs you have will not always be the same as the essential needs of others. Each of us has a different temperament with different motives and desires. No two people have the same identical background or experiences, so each of us have unique issues of importance. It is normal to expect some of your essential needs to be met. On the other hand, anger can be misguided or overstated because of a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Anger is a choice when we find balance in contentment and thankfulness. Not all of our essential needs have been neglected. For example, we can be thankful for what we do have, including friends and family, good health, a place to live, and food to eat.

Preserving basic convictions: Anger can be incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger may be associated with legitimate concerns, but managed irresponsibly. There is a fine line between knowing when to stand up firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in the world. When anger becomes so much part of your identity that you lose your capacity to find peace, your convictions begin to work against you. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner. A person who is growing and maturing need to have a firm foundation of beliefs to guide their lives, yet also need to know how to remain composed when others do not share the same beliefs.

Discussion questions: Where do you get your self-worth from? Is there unmet needs in your life currently and how are you handling it? Can you think of a situation where your anger was the result of a too strongly held conviction?

The Certainty of God’s Promise

“When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore himself saying “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all arguments. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the HOPE offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek” Hebrews 6:13-20.

HOPE is a healthy attitude. HOPE Anchors the Soul. Anticipating good brings comfort to the mind and heart. In contrast, a state of hopelessness is a terrible condition to be in. It's overwhelming and depressing to think that what you're facing cannot be changed or fixed. For the person who has lost all hope, life looks like a long dark tunnel going nowhere. Proverbs tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). Emotional, physical, and even mental illness haunt a person who feels trapped in a grim situation. With God, no situation is hopeless. In Him, we have the promise: "Desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Believers have a HOPE that anchors the soul. An anchor was a popular image in the ancient Mediterranean world. In an economy that depended on shipping, the anchor symbolized safety and steadiness. The writer of Hebrews used the word to remind believers that God has given a HOPE that holds firm in any storm. Relationship with Jesus brings us to the throne of heaven, where we can cast all our burdens before God. He pulls us toward Himself! He says, “Come. Find the rest that you need, the relief from the burdens and from doubt.” He provides strength for weary bodies, peace for anxious minds, and comfort for grieving hearts. He provides light where there is darkness that guides us through trying and difficult situations. Life with God is our HOPE.

A Living HOPE

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time” 1Peter 1:3-5.

As Believers, we are born into A Living HOPE. Believers anchor their HOPE in Jesus Chris. The promises of the Bible and the words of Jesus are always true and always lead to lasting fulfillment: “The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord: He is their stronghold in times of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in Him” (Psalm 37:39-40).

Those who do not put Jesus at the center of their lives have no foundation for their desires and live with a false sense of security. They pursue wealth, materialism, and other worldly success rather than God and find that their dreams go unfulfilled, fail to satisfy, and lead to ruin: “Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous” (Psalm 36:16-17).

The Lord does not disappoint those who seek His will. At times we might feel temporarily let down when something we wanted was not in God's plan. While one door may close, there is always another about to open with something better behind it. We can be sure He never goes back on His promises to give His children the very best: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go” (Isaiah 48:17). The best choice you can make is to fix your HOPE in the Lord. HOPE in the Lord never fails. Your circumstances may change, but Jesus never does. He is A Living HOPE who never disappoints.

Seeking Guidance to Grow

By forsaking the worldly way, believers have chosen a narrow path (Matt. 7:13). However, we’re not wandering blindly on it. The Holy Spirit is our guide. He directs our steps toward new opportunities and offers discernment so we can make wise decisions that keep us on course for God’s will (1 John 1:8-10). It is the nature of this journey that we have to stop often and seek guidance. God is pleased to respond to earnest requests for direction, as He wants to keep His followers in the center of His will. Many Christians wonder how to pursue divine guidance.

Seeking God’s guidance and direction involves a pattern that begins with cleansing. In other words, the first place to look is at yourself. Ask, “Father, do you see anything in my life that might interfere with my understanding what you are saying?” Sin shuts down the guidance process: it strangles the power flowing from the Holy Spirit and thereby clouds our judgment (1 Thess. 5:19). First John 1:9 tells us that God cleanses unrighteousness when we confess our sins. The Bible also contains a clear warning for those who refuse to relinquish a rebellious habit or attitude and the Lord does not hear their cries (Ps. 66:18). As He brings to mind problem areas, lay them before the cross.

Cleansing is a continual process while receiving guidance from God. The Holy Spirit brings sin to our attention as we’re equipped to deal with it. So on the way to receiving His clear direction, we may revisit this step often and in that way can experience a time of rich spiritual growth and renewal. Doing things God’s way isn’t always easy; but it’s always worth it.

How to Hear from God

“Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him” (Psalm 25:12). Sometimes it can seem as if God withholds direction from us when we are trying to know His will. But that’s not the way God operates. He wants those who believe and trust in Him to have clear direction. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1Corinthians 1:18). The following steps help us to hear His voice and know His will.

Clear the path: Our own sin and what it is that we want are the two main obstacles that hinder judgment. To receive clear guidance from God, we must repent of all known sin and make our desires second to His. “Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain” (1Corinthians 15:58).

Be patient and wait: It takes a great deal of strength, contentment and patience to stand, be still, and wait upon the Lord. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14). If you rush ahead of God, you may miss His best: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him (James 1:12).

Persist in prayer: The Bible tells us to keep coming to the Lord with our requests and concerns. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). As we continue to pray, He will gradually eliminate anything confusing and unnecessary until we come fully into alignment with His will. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever (Psalm 30:11).

Meditate on the Word: The Bible has an answer for every need, and the Holy Spirit knows just how to point us in the right direction: “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you the manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:3). So often when we’re faced with a difficult decision, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. Don’t let the urgency of your need keep you from enjoying the intimacy of His presence as you seek His will.