Anger is a Choice: Being Accountable

There are three elements for anger management to come full circle. First, you must identify the anger in its many forms. Second, begin to understand the factors causing anger to remain. Third, change your patterns of thinking to promote a healthier lifestyle consistent with Biblical principles by learning God’s ways and applying them to daily living. It is important to succeed in all three. If you fail to implement the third step, your efforts will not produce the results you desire. New insights and awareness mean very little until they prompt you to make significant adjustments in your behavior and lifestyle.

Appling your insights: Anger management advances when awareness is put into action. You can make several adjustments in your behavior to confirm that you have succeed in managing your anger including, setting goals to be more relational, making amends, choose to be positive in your communication, and being authentic.    

Set Goals to become more relational: Anger expressed improperly fails to achieve its goal. Misused anger creates an emotional atmosphere of rejection, pessimism (expecting the worst), and self-centeredness, ultimately leaving everyone involved dissatisfied. Once you begin to understand the root causes of your anger, create goals that will reflect a change of heart. Be known as someone who finds the good in others. Find joy in the small pleasures of life, such as a quiet dinner with family. Be courteous to others even when problems are not completely resolved. Choose to accept the imperfections of others, just as you want others to accept your imperfections.

Making amends with those you have wronged: An inevitable by-product of misguided anger is damaged relationships. It is not enough for us to resolve to move forward with a new perspective on managing anger. To truly find balance we must be willing to make amends with those who been hurt by our past behavior and attitudes such as asking the one whom you offended to forgive you for specific wrongs. While there are no guarantees that we can tie down all loose ends involving past anger, we can proceed with a clean future when we are willing to take the lead in our commitments to emotional healthiness.

Choose to be positive in your communication: Ongoing anger inhibits positive traits. Rather than being friendly or encouraging, anger can cause us to be cynical, critical, or withdrawn. Instead, be a better listener. Initiate friendly and sincere exchange. Show some enthusiasm towards the interests of others. Be more flexible and less rigid in your daily interactions. The true test of anger management is revealed in who you become after you have chosen to manage your anger differently. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner.

 

Be authentic about your anger-management efforts: For change to be effective, you need to be open and real about your changes with people who know you well. It is one thing to decide quietly that you will handle your anger more appropriately, but you will be more powerfully motivated to maintain your adjustments when you openly describe what will be different. As we share our needs and plans, we create the very atmosphere of growth and encouragement that will prompt ongoing emotional healthiness. 

Why Anger Lingers

Rationalizations that perpetuate anger: Facing reality is difficult. We may really want to change but we resist the idea of hard work. It requires persistent effort and willingness to restructure the thoughts and perceptions that guide and direct us. When we cling to anger in spite of potentially helpful knowledge and insights, it is usually due to making excuses to avoid the hard work of change. Instead of admitting that we have chosen to react in anger, we would rather believe, “My anger is in me because of someone else’s problems.” 

My past is too painful: Most people with long-standing anger problems have an emotional history full of pain. Most commonly, angry people recall having a parent with a foul temper. Later in life, these same people have similar painful experiences in their adult lives with spouses, relatives, or close friends. After years of enduring attacks, futility settles in, causing a pessimistic “what’s–the-use?” mind-set to guide their emotions. To get beyond a painful past, we must humbly admit our inability to control others. This requires us to accept a difficult notion: Pain is inevitable, cannot be fully controlled or eliminated, and sometimes is almost unbearable. You cannot control the past, but you can choose a new direction for yourself.

Forgiveness is too good: The ultimate goal in anger management is to drop the anger and instead, choose forgiveness. But what happens when the person to be forgiven has done nothing to deserve that forgiveness? We cling to anger because forgiveness seems to let others off the hook too easily. Certainly the person being forgiven can choose to feel a sense of relief and can decide to mend his or her erroneous ways. However, there is no guarantee this will always occur, but we are still potentially assisting others in their spiritual growth when we choose to forgive. An ever higher motive to forgive is that it pleases God when we yield to His guidance. Forgiveness honors Him.

Why should I try when nobody else does? Anger reduction is much easier when everyone involved makes equal effort toward harmony. But that’s not very likely in many cases. Usually, one person lags behind the efforts of another. They cling to their anger, because they perceive things are not fair. We ask for more trouble when we require fairness as a prerequisite for anger management. You may really want to resolve the problem, but in light of the other person’s stubborn ignorance you stay stuck in your anger, waiting for him or her to make the right move. You can move forward, but to do so, you’ll have to drop the idea that things must be fair.

Anger is a familiar habit: Just as we can become addicted to alcohol, food, or materialism, we can also become addicted to anger. Some people seem to enjoy staying angry. Anger has become a core element to their identity. Inwardly, something tells them that their anger is harmful, yet it is such a familiar habit they wouldn’t know how to think or act without it. They’re angry response far exceeds the importance of the conflict at hand. While you cannot dictate which emotions will or will not enter your mind, you have a choice about the intensity of that emotion. To reduce anger, take responsibility by allowing God to guide your emotions and take personal accountability for your own choices. 

Managing a Child’s Anger

Ideally, managing your anger is learned during childhood and improved throughout the growing stages of life. Sadly, many adults were not properly guided in using healthy anger during their own childhoods. Their bad habits were then passed on to the next generation, continuing until someone steps forward to break the cycle. The following are six keys to handling a child’s anger:

Don’t be threatened by your child’s anger: When we respond in fear to a child’s anger, we communicate, “You are a very powerful force in my life and I have to overwhelm you to teach you anything.” If you easily caught in power plays or if you often speak intensely to your child, you may be exhibiting unresolved fears that are manifested as defensiveness and reveal how threatened you are. Instead, quietly hold firm to your rightful authority. Be fair and don’t attempt to oversell your position.   

Let choices and consequences shape the child: When a child is rude or disruptive, most adults want their child to stop the behavior. Often, they tell the child how to think by giving lectures and follow up with threats. The child’s anger increases because the adult is not letting the child make choices. Instead, encourage your child to take greater responsibility for his or her anger. Ask them what options they have to manage their frustration. Keep putting it back onto them to make a choice that makes the most sense. Teach them that some choices have unfavorable consequences. They will soon learn to pick a different option with a more positive outcome.

Don’t preach: Our greatest impact on our children is not in the words we speak but in the way we deliver those words. When we speak too strongly it implies disrespect, lack of trust, and personal insecurity. Instead, keep an even tone. You are showing your children how to disagree without being disagreeable and that differentness does not have to result in conflict.

Don’t major in the minors: Too often we expend excessive energy on issues of little significance, increasing the atmosphere of unnecessary anger. When a seven-year-old spills a drink on the kitchen floor the parent complains repeatedly about the child’s clumsiness, warning it cannot be tolerated. When we respond this way, the important matters of relationship including respect, encouragement, and empathy, take a back seat to perfectionism, selfishness, impatience, and petty preferences. Learn to choose your battles, let minor issues remain minor, and your child’s anger will be minimized.

Share your own experiences: When parents refuse to be vulnerable with their children, they create an atmosphere of phoniness and false superiority, and the child resents it. Instead, be real and authentic so communication is increased. You will become more believable and therefore, more approachable. This removes the pressure for them to be perfect, and anger is reduced.

Incorporate spiritual insights delicately: Anger management is ultimately a function of spiritual maturity. Children need guidance to incorporate biblical truths into their daily lives. Learn to communicate in deeper ways. Take common situations and ask them to apply spiritual values to those situations. Encourage a thirst for knowledge about biblical truths and your child’s beliefs will be less legalistic and more personally meaningful. 

Anger reflects inferiority feelings

Anger involves standing up for your basic needs, which implies that you feel you’re in a down position at that moment. In its best use, anger elevates you from a low position to one of equality with the person who is being disrespectful. But when you feel too strongly compelled to stand up for your needs, you are struggling too powerfully with the feeling of being put down.

Everyone feels inferior at times: Have you ever asked yourself why you are often impatient in spite of your desire to be otherwise? Do you get caught in critical thinking patterns even though you want to be more positive? Have you treated family members insensitively and later regretted that you hadn’t acted as kindly as you knew you should? We all have had moments like these. Despite our good intentions, something keeps us from being what we perceive to be as perfect. That something is our natural bent toward sin. In moderating your anger it can be helpful to be aware of two common traps: (1) the trap of succumbing to inferiority feelings and (2) the trap of attempting to be falsely superior.

We succumb to inferiority feelings: Somehow we learn to think we are less than acceptable because of our humanness. For some, their self-esteem is tied closely to their latest performance. Or maybe they were treated unfairly by someone in authority. Whatever the situation, the message is “you are not as perfect as you should be.”

We seek false superiority: When feelings of inferiority come upon us, we look for an escape. The most common is to seek an edge of superiority. When you react to difficulties with the thought “I’ve got to get the upper hand”, you are declaring war. This brings out the worst in your own personality and in the other person. The key to healthy anger is to communicate it with respect.

Recognizing equality: To avoid the inferior-superior trap, we must acknowledge that we are all equal in human value. Because of pride and arrogance we might be inclined to think we are better than a criminal. No one can determine the value of another human until they experience all the obstacles he had to face. We didn’t grow up with the same parents, the same teachers, peers or social relationships. We don’t have the same genetic makeup or inborn temperament. The point is, it is folly to try to compare our human values because we don’t have the same playing fields. When we are emotionally prompted to preserve our worth, needs, or convictions, we will have no desire to gain an upper hand or insult the other person as a means of elevating ourselves.

Minimizing evaluations: Human beings are obsessed with evaluative standings. We feel compelled to grade the performance. Our self-esteem then rises or falls based on the latest report card. A strong emphasis on evaluation coupled with the inevitable inability to be perfect leads to frustration and anger. Accept feedback and be willing to learn, but don’t let your emotional stability hang on the latest evaluation. Sidestepping human evaluations keeps us from being aggressive and competitive. Rather than getting lured into false games of superiority, we are more capable of seeing people for what they are: fellow sinners who have an equal need for God’s grace. 

Loneliness creates Anger

You do not have to remain in a rut of isolation and loneliness. You can make the choice to minimize this problem by adjusting your thoughts and activities. Successful anger management requires a willingness to come out of your shell and make yourself known.

Why we feel lonely: Loneliness is the emotion of isolation and the uncomfortable awareness that gaps exist in your relationships. Something seems to be missing. Acceptance from others does not come as often as you would like. The persons you want to be close to, does not share your relational goals. You become more frustrated by working harder at keeping relations going than your friends, relatives, or others do. You find yourself yearning to be with someone other than the person you are with. Anger can be reduced when the causes of those gaps is understood. A sinful nature, neglecting relationships, and failure to state needs successfully are the primarily causes of why we feel lonely.  

Our sinful nature: We say we feel lonely because of frustrated relationships, painful pasts, or poor social skills. Ultimately, we feel lonely because sin causes us to be separated from God which keeps us from fully knowing relationship and experiencing contentment. One of the first emotional results of the fall was loneliness. In fear, Adam hid from God and from his wife. He was ashamed to reveal himself fully. Looking for ways to cover up his vulnerabilities, he became evasive and phony. Since then, every person has experienced the feelings of loneliness. Feelings of isolation are inevitable in each of us.   

We neglect relationships: Our sinful nature causes in us, a vulnerability to loneliness.  Neglecting relationships is also partially to be at blame. We can be too busy with work, errands, and activities and overlook the more important stuff like meaningful dialogue and sharing personal rewarding time with other adults. Being too busy is not the only way to neglect relational growth. We can also be lazy about making the effort to maintain satisfactory ties with others. While achieving career goals and meeting schedules are important and should not be neglected, it is important to prioritize the most important goal and that is to relate, first with God, and then with others.     

We do not state our needs successfully: Anger increases, when we perceive others care very little about our personal needs. We think, “Why can’t people just understand what I need?” Of course no one can read minds so instead, we need to find more successful ways of communicating. Negative communication patterns to avoid or change is when you try too hard to persuade others that your needs are legitimate or if you defend your position too powerfully. People will get the impression that you lack confidence in what you are saying, so they don’t take you seriously. The result leaves you feeling disconnected and then angry. Instead, start by taking the insistence and intensity out of your voice. When you have a legitimate need, state it in an even tone of voice and be succinct. Know what it is you want to say in a compact, precise expression without wasted words. There is no guarantee others will respond to your needs once you’ve shared them. But by presenting yourself in a more composed manner, you will not receive the rejection as powerfully.           

Anger is a Choice: Why we struggle with Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. God always has purpose in what He designs. Whether it is spouse to spouse, parent to child, sibling to sibling, or friend to friend, the primary function of healthy, loving relationships is to have the other person’s best interest at heart, and to convey honor and respect. Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that defensiveness becomes the norm that makes them vulnerable to anger. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand what causes them.

We overinterpret rejection: A mother is afraid if she is too strong in disciplining her son, he will not like her. She compromises her principles, hoping to have fewer problems. A wife fears if she tells her husband what she really thinks, he will leave her. So she fearfully represses her needs, assuming his rejection would render her helpless. When we overinterpret rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to pounce. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not have to let the rejection from another to be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. When someone attempts to invalidate your feelings you need not enter a power play. You can let allow others their freedom to thinks as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own viewpoint. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than deferring to someone else’s agendas.

We are uncertain of others’ motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

We forgot God is in charge: We can choose to let our emotions be dictated by humans’ opinions or God’s opinion. When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. We can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and all. We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. “In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”(Psalm 56:4). Drawing upon God’s strength requires a God-focus and God centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness.  How would life change if you become less consumed with fears and instead begin to trust in God?

Fear’s effect on Anger

Fear is an emotion brought about by a perceived threat. Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it. In more extreme cases of horror and terror, the response of fear is to freeze. Most of us identify fear in openly or obvious weak characteristics such as shyness, cowering, or intimidation. Fear is the inner insecurity that inhibits us from living in the healthy ways we know we should. Fear is not one-dimensional. It can be expressed with a false sense of courage, excessive talking, workaholism, lying, and others.

Fear causes defensiveness: Fear is revealed in cover-ups and phoniness. It keeps us from being fully honest about who we are, prompting us instead to project false or only partially true images of ourselves. Perhaps the most reliable way to identify fear is by defensiveness. Defensiveness includes any resistance tactic intended to shield ourselves from perceived threats. Defense occurs most commonly in personal relations in the following three categories including denial, evasiveness, and reversal.

Denial is a refusal to acknowledge personal problems or tensions. In most cases denial is subconscious; avoiding issues. When a negative trait such as irritability is exposed, the person immediately excuses it by saying, “I’m normally not this way. I really have an optimistic spirit.” The inherent fear in denial is that our humanness or vulnerability might be discovered and held against us.

Evasiveness is different from denial in that evasiveness is driven by a conscious element of fear, while denial involves subconscious self-deception. Evasiveness is a deliberate deception of others. When we act evasively we are specifically choosing to avoid the responsibility of meeting problems head on. A worker disagrees with his boss’s policy decision. But instead of openly talking about it with the supervisor, he instead complains to others. When we are evasive we may be fearfully wondering, “What if I say the wrong thing? You might not like if I tell you what I really feel. I am inadequately equipped to discuss personal matters.” Evasiveness is a mark of personal insecurity and a lack of trust in others.   

Reversal is more openly combative. It is driven by the idea that the best way to protect yourself is to keep others on the defensive. When we use reversal techniques, we assume others are out to get us, so we become offensive.  When a ten year old girl tells her mom she is hurt because her mother’s harsh words, the mother replies, “Well maybe next time you’ll show more respect and this won’t happen.”

Becoming authentic: The opposite of fear is open authenticity. This means while we are wise enough to balance self-disclosures we are also willing to make ourselves known as common sense allows. Authentic living is without pretense; our external lives are consistent with our internal lives. To be authentic we must like ourselves; who we are. Authenticity will reduce your inclination toward anger. You will be less annoyed at others’ feelings or reactions because you would not be so consumed with keeping your guard up. By letting go of fearful behaviors, when legitimate anger does arise, it is not tainted by excessive insecurities. Defense mechanisms are counter-productive. Which one of these three, denial, evasiveness, or reversal, best describes you?  

How Pride Influences Anger

Pride is the emotion of self-absorption, arrogance and conceit. Whether it’s open aggression or passive aggression your mind is focused on you, your rights, and your preferences only. It is at the core of virtually any unhealthy, nonproductive emotion or behavior. In the context of anger, it plays a very influential role.

Pride is our spiritual disease: To understand the influence pride can have on personality, it is important to recognize how it is intricately linked to our inborn sinfulness. Pride is a spiritual disease that is the manifestation of our innate sinful nature. Therefore, anger can be managed as you come to proper terms with God.

Choosing humility: The trait that keeps us in submission to God is humility. The opposite of pride, it is a lack of self-preoccupation and a willingness to acknowledge personal limits. While denying self may appear to be a weakness, it actually clears the way for unusual strength. Because God’s plan always leads to healthy interaction, we are assured that this submission will bring us more success than failures.

Humility is other-focused: As the emotion of self-preoccupation, pride’s bottom line is, “get my needs met.” Meeting needs can become an all-consuming drive that a person becomes obsessed about how others can and should respond to him or her. The Bible’s instruction for successful relationships is to consider others more important than yourself. We are so naturally selfish we must consciously tune in to others. This requires us to be sensitive to others’ feelings and to recognize that their different perceptions can have validity. This is not natural for us to do, and involves a daily, conscious decision on our part.

Humility accepts limits: Prideful people struggle to maintain balance in their relationships. They are presumptuousness and critical, often expressing their convictions and needs with the assumption that no one could possibly disagree with them. They create turmoil by imposing their will by attempting to push their preferences and ideas on to others. To establish patterns of successful assertiveness, boundaries must be recognized. First, you must establish personal boundaries, including communicating simple needs to standing openly for deep convictions. Second, you must accept others’ differentness. We can stop expecting the world should fit our personal preferences.

Does humility require repressing emotions? If you practice humility as an act of duty only, you would have some success at managing your anger. But then, it wouldn’t really be humility. You’d be living in a subtle form of pride called legalism. Humility is not an obligation or a duty. It is a choice. By accepting our limits and setting aside self-preoccupations, we are not repressing the other emotions. We are putting a higher priority on appropriateness.  Learning to let go of undesirable emotions rather than repressing them is unnatural to many. If you have had a history of abuse or if you are accustomed to being invalidated, you have probably learned the trait of repression. To develop humility without repression will require ongoing self-examination: Do I really mean it when I act kindly? 

Self-Inflicted Anger

Many people will say the reasons behind their anger come from external pressures including spouse, children, parents, job, or other person or situation. Different environments do present difficulties, and sometimes does increase stress, but you still have a free will to manage your adult life and to take personal responsibility for your choices and how those choices ultimately affect you. The following are some of the more common patterns of self-inflicted anger.

Moral decline: Anger is linked to the preservation of personal worth, needs, and convictions. People are looking for affirmation and when found, anger is reduced. But too many people increase their anger by compromising their morals to gain acceptance. In the short term, some satisfaction is felt. But over the long term immorality and emotional turmoil go hand in hand. Moral purity is more than a code of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Morality is a reflection of our respect for others. It illustrates our belief in the dignity of human beings. Immorality gives people a sense of meaninglessness. An immoral lifestyle is one of dissatisfaction and emptiness and that leads to increased frustration and anger.

Work becomes all-encompassing: Work is necessary for personal well-being. Yet as important and fruitful as work can be, it is not life’s ultimate aim. When people are consumed by work and busyness they typically describe themselves as stressed. Overworked, stressful people are angry. Personal needs are left wanting. To remedy the frustrations created by excessive work, don’t go to the other extreme of excessive play. Balance can be found. Primarily this will happen as relationships are nurtured and limits are enforced regarding activities.

Poor health habits develop: There are many unhealthy ways relating to self-inflicted anger. They include overeating, smoking, lack of exercise, not enough sleep, poor hygiene, and substance abuse. Each of these habits contributes to irritability, low self-esteem, added stress, and reduces quality of life. How you care for yourself is your choice. However, anger can be resolved by examining how you contribute to your own unwanted circumstances. People seeking to manage anger properly will logically and correctly conclude that physical health is a powerful element of personal stability.

Material gain is overemphasized: There is nothing wrong with enjoying many of life’s pleasures. Problems arise when material gain is required for happiness. Perhaps the most common form of anger associated with material emphasis is envy, frustration over someone else’s possession of something we want. If we run the race of materialism, we become vulnerable to false superiority. Anger is reduced when we feel loved, respected and understood. These things cannot be bought. 

Spiritual life is ignored: Anger management is ultimately linked to spiritual stability. When spiritual vitality is absent, personal stability is no longer a matter of inner strength.  Daily problems become overwhelming when we do not have a on-going relationship with God. Being a peace with God empowers us to confidently combat worldly imperfections that would otherwise increase irritability and anger. 

Myths that perpetuate Anger

Mythical thinking involves accepting hurtful past experiences as absolute truth when it is not. Some myths are stretched to such an extreme, they lack logic and keep us from applying good clear choices of how to best deal with anger issues. To manage anger successfully, we must eliminate false beliefs that continue the cycle. The following are six common myths held by angry people. 

Myth1. My history of rejection leaves me emotionally depleted: Some people believe they are forever jinxed if they have felt rejected several times. They are not prepared emotionally that many people may not accept them at all. So when rejection continues, hope fades while anger builds. 

Myth2. God should have stopped my problems: Anger is usually a by-product of some form of suffering. When we attempt to find the root of that suffering, we often blame God. Although it is easy to assume God doesn’t care when problems arise, the Bible tells us that all things are work together for good for those who trust in God.

Myth3. Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat: Angry people feel like victims because of wrongs they have endured. Some wrongs are underserved and other perceived wrongs are brought on by poor choices. Either way, victimization causes angry people to conclude that forgiveness is unreasonable.

Myth4. No one understands my unique problems: Because we thrive on relational wholeness, a life without anyone to share a burden with can be devoid of purpose. Instead of focusing on the differences between your circumstances and other people’s, we can come to see that everyone knows disappointment in some form or another.

Myth5. I don’t deserve to be happy: Sometimes we allow ourselves to be weighed down by the issues of others but we do not need to take responsibility for their problems. Instead we can view our efforts at managing our anger, as a responsible contribution to the well-being of those who play important roles in our lives. 

Myth6. There is nothing to look forward to anymore: When people have a pattern of irritability, it is easy for them to conclude that their future will be no different. Angry people can be so tied to their angry pattern they falsely conclude that attempts to change would be pointless.

Anchor yourself in Truth: Past frustrations can lead to false assumptions. With an increase in one’s current perception, you can learn to interpret your world very differently. By learning to challenge negative generalizations, we can replace myths with truth. Old thinking habits can be adjusted. The Bible says “to be transformed by the renewing of our minds” (Romans 12:2). Transformation means we do not have to be held captive to these myths. We can be set free from the anger that results from destructive ways of thinking. Begin to substituting myths with God’s truth.

Discussion question: Which one of these myths do most identify with, and why?

Feeling controlled causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we mature, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within family, marriage, friendship, workplace, and church. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands by people or institutions. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. Excessive controlling behavior is shown in a variety of ways, often seen aggressively as bossy, critical, stubborn, strongly opinionated, and argumentative. Control can also be recognized in a more passive aggressive way through unavailability, silence, apathy, fretting, and ultra-sensitivity. Three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers when: (1) performance takes priority over relationships, (2) difference is threatening, (3) obligation is taught as being mandatory rather than a choice.

Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think, feel, and what we perceive are at the core of our identities and who we are. Anger comes when performance or actions, are the focus, rather than our feelings or perceptions.

Usually we feel empty because we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener.  When this becomes a pattern and chronically repeated, we feel disrespected. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then conform to the other person’s way of thinking. Harmony is found when we blend our God given uniqueness in complementary ways.

Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been eliminated.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed and when acceptance comes only when conformity is mandatory.  

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. We often accept that invitation by engaging in our own brand of control. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance.

Acknowledging freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it.

How can you begin to relate to another person’s control with a mindset of freedom? 

Anger is a choice: Why can’t you just love me?

When we feel consistently loved our emotions show it through our stability. The more we struggle with anger, the more it indicates that our need for love was not met. Through anger we cry the unspoken question, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Feeling unloved breed’s extreme dependency: Dependency is normal part of human development. Throughout the many growth stages, we want to be accepted by our peers and to be part of community. It is the glue that holds relationships together. Extreme dependency is what we want to avoid: you cannot be emotional secure until you receive the reinforcement you deeply crave from others. All humans share the trait of dependency that becomes extreme when love needs go unmet. Extreme dependency allows inner thoughts and emotions to be dictated by external circumstances. When our needs for love are balanced, we are less dependent, but when our love needs are not met, our dependencies increase, making us more vulnerable to anger.

Developing Spiritual well-being: When your dependency on humans is exchanged for a dependency on strength from God, you begin to learn what it means to have a deeply rooted sense of spiritual well-being. Our dependency for love can be met by accepting God’s great declaration of our worth. We find it only as we appeal to God for the transforming work of His Holy Spirit and pray for His intervention. Balancing your dependencies can be achieved in part by the following four ways: (1) Acknowledge the unreliability of other people. This encourages us to accept the reality of the sinful nature in us all. (2) Spiritual well-being occurs as we acknowledge our own inability to solve all our own problems. We simply do not have what it takes to find His peace. As we admit our weaknesses we take a step toward personal stability. (3) Yield your self-will to the will of Christ and summit your life to His ways. You will no longer be bound by the opinions of others, and your success is inevitable.  (4) Spiritual well-being comes by choosing to endorse the healthy characteristics prescribed in God’s Word by setting boundaries and acting assertively when necessary. Knowing you can draw upon spiritual strength, you can choose not to let your anger be at the mercy of your environment. Don’t let your mood be dependent on the feelings and actions of others.

Developing a contemplative mind: The first step toward a balanced dependency is developing spiritual well-being. To make this trait a powerful reality is the awareness of why you need spiritual well-being. When we contemplate the meanings of our behavior, godly traits become purposeful rather than performance driven. We are not just going through the motions, but acting out well-conceived convictions. Contemplative thinking leads to this conclusion: In the Lord I have competence. I do not have to be pulled down by others’ behavior. The extreme dependency mind says: I worry about how others treat me. I’ve got to have steady surroundings so I can be stable. The contemplative mind says: I can manage just fine even when others don’t think as I do. I can learn how to remain steady even in the midst of unrest.  

Managing your Anger

Our challenge is in how we manage our anger. Three unhealthy choices of dealing with anger include Suppressing Anger, Open Aggression, and Passive Aggression. By contrast, there are two healthy choices of managing anger. Assertive Anger involves stating our needs and feelings in a manner that still show respect for another. Dropping Anger includes adjusting yourself to reality and forgiveness.

Suppressing Anger: Many people don’t admit their anger so they deny it. This is a type of emotional dishonesty and phoniness. They are concerned more with their lofty image than their relationships. They never want to appear weak or inferior, so they stubbornly maintain an outer front of having it all together. Other people who suppress anger have recognized that rageful anger has no place in a healthy personality, so they believe all anger is wrong. Anger is painful and it does destroy relationships so it is easy to conclude, “If this is what anger leads to, I want nothing to do with it,” so they suppress it.

Open Aggression: Open Aggression can easily be identified because it does not hide in the same way as Suppressing Anger does. This includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blame, bickering, criticism, griping, and sarcasm. There is a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs, there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others with high odds of foul play. A major reason for OA is majoring in the minors: too much emotional energy is spent on trivial matters that simply won’t go away. Emotionally balanced people accept imperfections and acknowledge their limits to force people in a mold. Another reason for OA is personal insecurity. They are so needy in wanting respect they take this normal desire too far. Their emotional stability hangs by a thread, with extreme dependency of the unbending cooperation of others.

Passive Aggression: Like OA, anger expressed through PA involves preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions at someone else’s expense. But it differs in that it is accomplished in a quiet manner. Also like OA, PA is caused by a need to have control and is engaged in a battle of superiority. These people have realized that too much honesty about personal differences lessons his or her ability to maintain an upper hand. Many of these people already have a habit of Suppressing Anger.

Assertive Anger: If you feel disrespected and do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour, bitter, and your contribution to relationships will be negative. Two key reminders will help as you learn to communication assertively: (1) Choose issues that are worthy of your emotional energy. (2)Be aware of how your tone of voice can create an atmosphere of respect for others. Your goal is to communicate your emotions in a constructive fashion while maintaining respect for the other party.

Dropping Anger: This option includes tolerance of differences, as well as choosing to forgive. That means you let go, and accept your inability to completely control circumstances. Dropping Anger does not hinge on someone else’s decisions. While a spirit of teamwork can be most beneficial to anger reduction, it is not a must.

Discussion questions: How can you be honest with someone while still respecting them? What are some situations in your life in which you could drop your anger?

What is Anger?

All is well when we feel understood, supported, accepted, and connected. On the other hand, anger is ignited from the hurtful words and actions of another. Anger is a general term to describe several emotional expressions including frustration, irritability, annoyance, and blowing off steam. Anger is defined as intent to (1) preserve personal worth, (2) preserve essential needs, and to (3) preserve basic convictions.

Preserving personal worth: Anger is common to every person, found in all personality types. We are guaranteed to encounter this negative emotion because we are imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. Anger comes when you feel the need to clearly communicate that your personal boundaries have been violated. Purposely intended by the speaker to cause harm or not, the angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned from having been ignored, denied, offended, mistreated, wronged, or controlled. Perceptions are more powerful than intentions. The common message perceived is a lack of respect. Hurtful people offer judgmental evaluations and critical opinions. Anger is a choice when we can begin to accept God’s grace and truth that produces in us a God given identity, His character, purpose, and eternal value.

Preserving essential needs: Everyone needs love, encouragement, and respect. Essential needs are common to us all. These needs must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being. We feel confused, hurt, and angry when our essential needs are not addressed or validated. The essential needs you have will not always be the same as the essential needs of others. Each of us has a different temperament with different motives and desires. No two people have the same identical background or experiences, so each of us have unique issues of importance. It is normal to expect some of your essential needs to be met. On the other hand, anger can be misguided or overstated because of a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Anger is a choice when we find balance in contentment and thankfulness. Not all of our essential needs have been neglected. For example, we can be thankful for what we do have, including friends and family, good health, a place to live, and food to eat.

Preserving basic convictions: Anger can be incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger may be associated with legitimate concerns, but managed irresponsibly. There is a fine line between knowing when to stand up firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in the world. When anger becomes so much part of your identity that you lose your capacity to find peace, your convictions begin to work against you. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner. A person who is growing and maturing need to have a firm foundation of beliefs to guide their lives, yet also need to know how to remain composed when others do not share the same beliefs.

Discussion questions: Where do you get your self-worth from? Is there unmet needs in your life currently and how are you handling it? Can you think of a situation where your anger was the result of a too strongly held conviction?

The Certainty of God’s Promise

“When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore himself saying “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all arguments. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the HOPE offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek” Hebrews 6:13-20.

HOPE is a healthy attitude. HOPE Anchors the Soul. Anticipating good brings comfort to the mind and heart. In contrast, a state of hopelessness is a terrible condition to be in. It's overwhelming and depressing to think that what you're facing cannot be changed or fixed. For the person who has lost all hope, life looks like a long dark tunnel going nowhere. Proverbs tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). Emotional, physical, and even mental illness haunt a person who feels trapped in a grim situation. With God, no situation is hopeless. In Him, we have the promise: "Desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Believers have a HOPE that anchors the soul. An anchor was a popular image in the ancient Mediterranean world. In an economy that depended on shipping, the anchor symbolized safety and steadiness. The writer of Hebrews used the word to remind believers that God has given a HOPE that holds firm in any storm. Relationship with Jesus brings us to the throne of heaven, where we can cast all our burdens before God. He pulls us toward Himself! He says, “Come. Find the rest that you need, the relief from the burdens and from doubt.” He provides strength for weary bodies, peace for anxious minds, and comfort for grieving hearts. He provides light where there is darkness that guides us through trying and difficult situations. Life with God is our HOPE.

A Living HOPE

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time” 1Peter 1:3-5.

As Believers, we are born into A Living HOPE. Believers anchor their HOPE in Jesus Chris. The promises of the Bible and the words of Jesus are always true and always lead to lasting fulfillment: “The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord: He is their stronghold in times of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in Him” (Psalm 37:39-40).

Those who do not put Jesus at the center of their lives have no foundation for their desires and live with a false sense of security. They pursue wealth, materialism, and other worldly success rather than God and find that their dreams go unfulfilled, fail to satisfy, and lead to ruin: “Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous” (Psalm 36:16-17).

The Lord does not disappoint those who seek His will. At times we might feel temporarily let down when something we wanted was not in God's plan. While one door may close, there is always another about to open with something better behind it. We can be sure He never goes back on His promises to give His children the very best: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go” (Isaiah 48:17). The best choice you can make is to fix your HOPE in the Lord. HOPE in the Lord never fails. Your circumstances may change, but Jesus never does. He is A Living HOPE who never disappoints.

Seeking Guidance to Grow

By forsaking the worldly way, believers have chosen a narrow path (Matt. 7:13). However, we’re not wandering blindly on it. The Holy Spirit is our guide. He directs our steps toward new opportunities and offers discernment so we can make wise decisions that keep us on course for God’s will (1 John 1:8-10). It is the nature of this journey that we have to stop often and seek guidance. God is pleased to respond to earnest requests for direction, as He wants to keep His followers in the center of His will. Many Christians wonder how to pursue divine guidance.

Seeking God’s guidance and direction involves a pattern that begins with cleansing. In other words, the first place to look is at yourself. Ask, “Father, do you see anything in my life that might interfere with my understanding what you are saying?” Sin shuts down the guidance process: it strangles the power flowing from the Holy Spirit and thereby clouds our judgment (1 Thess. 5:19). First John 1:9 tells us that God cleanses unrighteousness when we confess our sins. The Bible also contains a clear warning for those who refuse to relinquish a rebellious habit or attitude and the Lord does not hear their cries (Ps. 66:18). As He brings to mind problem areas, lay them before the cross.

Cleansing is a continual process while receiving guidance from God. The Holy Spirit brings sin to our attention as we’re equipped to deal with it. So on the way to receiving His clear direction, we may revisit this step often and in that way can experience a time of rich spiritual growth and renewal. Doing things God’s way isn’t always easy; but it’s always worth it.

How to Hear from God

“Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him” (Psalm 25:12). Sometimes it can seem as if God withholds direction from us when we are trying to know His will. But that’s not the way God operates. He wants those who believe and trust in Him to have clear direction. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1Corinthians 1:18). The following steps help us to hear His voice and know His will.

Clear the path: Our own sin and what it is that we want are the two main obstacles that hinder judgment. To receive clear guidance from God, we must repent of all known sin and make our desires second to His. “Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain” (1Corinthians 15:58).

Be patient and wait: It takes a great deal of strength, contentment and patience to stand, be still, and wait upon the Lord. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14). If you rush ahead of God, you may miss His best: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him (James 1:12).

Persist in prayer: The Bible tells us to keep coming to the Lord with our requests and concerns. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). As we continue to pray, He will gradually eliminate anything confusing and unnecessary until we come fully into alignment with His will. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever (Psalm 30:11).

Meditate on the Word: The Bible has an answer for every need, and the Holy Spirit knows just how to point us in the right direction: “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you the manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:3). So often when we’re faced with a difficult decision, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. Don’t let the urgency of your need keep you from enjoying the intimacy of His presence as you seek His will.

A Heart for God

“Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers (Psalm 1:1-3). The Psalms record David's desire to know God and be known by Him. He sought the Lord's guidance through prayer and had a heart for Him.

David made God his priority: King David made several big mistakes in his life. Yet he was called a man after God's own heart and was mightily used by the Lord to lead the people of Israel. What made him different was the priority he placed on his relationship with our heavenly Father. David delighted in knowing God and sought Him with deep sincerity and seriousness. David wrote, "My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You in a dry and weary land" (Psalm 63:1, 3-4). He declared that God's love was better than life itself, and pledged to praise Him all his days. His faith sustained him throughout life: when he was a shepherd boy protecting sheep from attacks by wild animals, a young man defeating the giant Goliath, and the nation's anointed leader escaping King Saul's murderous plans. Whatever circumstances David found himself in, he sought the Lord and gave priority to their relationship.

David saw God as the source of life: David viewed the world from a God-centered perspective. He was filled with wonder and astonishment at the Lord's creative power in the world. He relied on God for protection and strength, and proclaimed complete dedication and allegiance to Him in his writings. He prayed frequently with strong passion and conviction. He lifted his prayers and petitions to God in the morning and patiently waited on God for His response: “In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). At night he'd continue communing with God: “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night” (Psalm 63:6). Both actions of praying and meditating on God's character, fueled David’s faith and trust in the Lord.

A heart for God begins with a pure heart: The heart represents the seat of our mind, will, and emotions. When we strive to keep it pure, we will more easily discern the Lord’s plan, submit our will to His, and follow Him obediently. Reaching our full potential begins with a desire to obey Him. However, each of us was born with a nature bent away from God. Jeremiah 17:9 describes the heart as deceitful and inclined towards wickedness. The best way to maintain a pure heart is by meditating on Scripture. The Bible is like a mirror in which we see ourselves as God does, in both successes and failures. Expressing genuine repentance brings God’s forgiveness and cleansing (1 John 1:9). Cooperating with the Holy Spirit’s transforming work will also help us keep our hearts clean. Becoming the person God planned for each of us to be requires an intimate relationship with Him and a desire to obey His Word. Apart from Jesus, we can’t achieve anything of lasting value (John 15:5).

How to Hold On

“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil” (Job 1:1).

Job was a model father, completely dedicated to God and his children. His family got along well. His family was wealthy. With plenty of money to go around and everyone getting along so well, it is easy to understand why Job was so dedicated to God, right? Who wouldn’t be happy or content in this kind of environment? But as the story goes we learn that one day, he lost everything (Job 1:13-22). Job was a man who knew trouble and temptation, and yet he boldly claimed, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15). Job had lost his children, home, servants, fortune, and his health, but he refused to abandon his trust in God. Even though Job experienced tremendous loss, he was committed to put his hope and faith in the Lord.

The most telling picture of Job’s faithfulness came as he sat among the ashes, an ancient symbol of mourning, scraping his sores with a piece of broken pottery. His wife, who had experienced the same gut-wrenching losses as Job, offered her advice. In a fit of rage, she verbally attacked Job and his faith in God: “Why not just end it all, Job? Just curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Job knew better. His faith in God didn’t depend on possessions or, for that matter, even his family or his own physical health. He knew that the Ruler of his life had every right to allow such afflictions. He had taken a step deeper than most of us will do: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10).

When we take our eyes off the busyness of day-to-day activity and events, and instead, concentrate on honoring God and following in His ways, we find a consistent peace that carries us through both times of plenty and in need. Commit to trust and follow Him through any setbacks, difficulty, and temptations. God, who never changes, is committed to caring for you in all circumstances and will never leave you or forget you.

Unwavering commitment to trust the Lord in all situations is a cornerstone of unshakable faith. It is easy to be distracted by circumstances and allow them to dictate our emotions. But if that's the case, then when life is good, we're happy; when times are tough, we're frustrated; and when difficulty comes, we're downright miserable and looking for escape in sex, food, alcohol, drugs, work, activity, or give-up all together. Unlike Job, we are fortunate to have Scripture, which reveals God's nature and promises. It is a wise believer who claims those promises when enduring hardship. The Bible tells us that our Father is always good, always just, always faithful, and always trustworthy. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb. 13:8). “Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).

Job went on to live a long and prosperous life. “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first” (Job 42:12). Through it all, Job learned humility, and gained a greater understanding of God’s mercy and grace. Just as Job’s life was restored, our loving Heavenly Father wants to restore you completely. What difficult circumstances are you experiencing that are blocking your faith and hope in the Lord?

Growth is Cultivating Godly Character

Godly character comes from cultivating daily habits like Bible meditation and prayer. The result of those habits is evidence in your character. There are three major reasons why we must learn character. First it reveals the nature of Christ who is the perfect fulfillment of each quality. Second, it is the basis for success in life. Third, it explains why things happen to us (principle of cause and effect).

Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).

Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of us instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own. “You have purified yourselves by obeying the truth” (1Peter 1:22).

Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. They are fair, sincere, bold, and honest. “A truthful witness gives honest testimony” (Proverbs 12:17).

Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have. (see Colossians 2:6-7).

Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility. “Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures. “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house” (Hebrews 3:5).

Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just. Those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). “The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom and humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 15:33).

Resolving conflict through Godly Character Development

People often put up walls thinking that is the only way to protect themselves. Walls provide a false sense of security because they are barriers that keep you locked up in the past. A boundary is an authentic security when personal responsibility is practiced. Practicing boundaries provides freedom to try something different that helps you to move into a meaningful future. Learning to practice boundaries is not without much effort and practice. The Bible offers us this truth: “It is freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

Boundary overview: Boundaries, in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit or border. Personal boundaries are a property line and separate what is yours, and what belongs to another person. We need to take responsibility for what’s inside our property lines and let other’s take responsibility for what belongs to them within their own property lines. Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity, ownership, responsibility, and stewardship. Personal boundaries define your identity, that is who you are and who you are not. We are to be connected to others without losing our own identity and individuality.

Healthy confrontation is love: Learning to connect to others does not come without its challenges. Confrontation is dealing with the hurtfulness and sin in us and others. These can include verbal attacks, control, entitlement, irresponsibility, rebellion, critics, self-centeredness, and many others. Learning to say “no”, or learning to say “stop”, setting limits and enforcing consequences are all part of the boundary setting process. Balance is found when a reasonable issue is discussed in a proper manner. Address behavior patterns more than events. The goal is to resolve conflict. “Make every effort to live in peace with all men” (Hebrews 12:14). We are to accept one another, faults and all, even though we may not approve of their actions. Decide for yourself how much quality time you can afford to invest in those who do not respect your convictions. Ultimately, it is your responsibility and choice for what you allow and permit.

Strength is found in Christ: Our goal is to become more like Christ. Learning to resolve conflict is part of the process. “For we are God’s workmanship” (Ephesians 2:10). “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children” (Ephesians 5:1). God is our refuge and our strength. God has given us His Spirit that lives within to empower us: “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with His power through His Spirit in your inner being” (Ephesians 3:16). The inner being Paul mentions is Godly character: “And I pray that you be rooted and established in love” (Ephesians 3:17).

Think it, say it, and believe it: “My purpose is to develop Godly character and to become more like Christ. I am becoming more responsibility for taking ownership of what belongs to me. I am learning to love others by validating their freedom to think and choose, as they decide for themselves. These Godly principles of truth provide me structure and direction for my life. I will be a good steward of all my own personal aspects God has given me. Amen.”

The Old and New Covenants

What is a covenant? A covenant is a promise or agreement between two parties binding them to undertakings on each other’s behalf. Throughout the history of humanity, God has related to man through His covenants.

The Old Covenant: The Old Testament deals essentially with the Old Covenant. The Covenant of Abraham reveals God’s plan to save a people and take them into His land. The Old Covenant neither brought, nor brings justification to anyone. Justification and salvation could be obtained only in the way of faith. So Abraham and all Old Covenant saints were justified by faith, and the Old Covenant was merely to illustrate that law. The Old Covenant with the nation of Israel and the promise land is a temporary picture of what is accomplished by the New Covenant where Jesus actually purchased a people and will take them to be with Him forever in the new heavens and new earth. The Old or Mosaic Covenant is a legal or works covenant that God made with Israel on Mount Sinai that is brought to an end or fulfilled at the cross. It was never intended to save people but instead its purpose was to increase sin and guilt until the coming of the Savior. The version of law in the Old Covenant era was the Mosaic Law, which included the Ten Commandments. The version of law in the New Covenant era is the law of Christ, which includes the commands of Christ that pertain to the New Covenant era and the commands of his Apostles.

The New Covenant: The New Testament deals essentially with the new covenant. However, the new covenant does not actually begin with the four Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. For the most part, these four books deal with the life of Jesus before the Cross. The new covenant begins after the resurrection of Jesus, and represents God’s grace and unmerited favor. The New Covenant is the covenant of grace in which Jesus purchased a people by his death on the cross so that all those for whom he died will receive full forgiveness of sins and become incurable God-lovers.

To understand the New Covenant we look the entire Bible as a progressive revealing of the Covenant of Grace, and that includes the Old Covenant. It carries over the old order into the new in the sense that it is understood that the Old Covenant laws are not done away with (made null and void); rather they are fulfilled or completed (for the believer only) in Christ. In this way, the old conditional promise has become new and unconditional. The scriptures also teach that the Old Covenant laws are still binding, but we can only fully keep them in Christ Jesus. In Him alone we keep them perfectly. In other words, He is our Sabbath of rest that we will keep forever, and He is our daily or continual sacrifice, our Lamb of atonement. Jesus taught that what He came to do in His life, and the work that He accomplished, was the fulfillment and the true substance of all the Old Covenant 'shadows or types' that merely prefigured it. Those laws are all still kept in Him. Are you living under the Covenant of grace or are you living under the Covenant of the Law?

Proven Faith

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:8-9).

Faith is one of the most central themes in the Bible and central elements in the Christian walk. Faith is the means by which we enter into salvation. From then onward, our faith, or lack of it, shapes our lives and determines what happens to us when loss, difficulties, and set-backs come. Some Christians never lose their firm beliefs, but others become fearful when problems arise. To understand why this is true, we need to examine the source of our faith.

Inherited faith: If you grew up in a Christian home, you probably adopted some of the beliefs of your parents. This kind of godly foundation is a wonderful gift from the Lord, but eventually, each person must assume responsibility for his own beliefs.

Textbook faith: The Bible is the ultimate guide for establishing our beliefs. But that’s not the only source of influence. Books, preachers, teachers, and friends all impact our convictions. Our theology may be sound, but faith is merely mental acceptance until it’s put to the test.

Proven Faith: Only when we trust the Lord through the fires of adversity will we have faith that can stand. It is no longer based on what others have told us or what we’ve accepted as true but on our firsthand experience of His faithfulness.

To evaluate your faith, consider how you react when trouble appears. Do you press closer to God or do you get angry at Him? Is your attitude one of praise and thankfulness because He’s making you more like Jesus, or are you bitter? No one can escape problems in life, but those with proven faith will benefit from it.

Walls vs. Boundaries

A wall confines you to a past that cannot be changed and guarantees a future of more of the same. A boundary can open up the future, because it marks a change from the way things have always been done in the past. Both provide some type of protection, but the protection of a wall limits all the positive outcomes, whereas a boundary has unlimited potential to secure a future of hope and healing.

Walls are about living in the past: Walls see other people as all-bad. People who create walls try to control everything and everybody around them instead of controlling the one thing they have control over: self. Walls are constructs of isolation and loneliness. Walls prevent you from building healthy connections and community. A wall cuts you off from all options and keeps you needlessly confined to the traumas of the past. Living in the past does not allow recognition of the fact that time has moved on. Staying stuck in the past is self-imposed, needless prison, confining a person to attitudes and limitations that have no basis in their present reality. Things that were feared before no longer have power if one lives in the present and not in the past. If you build a wall around your past, you are essentially protecting your past rather than yourself. If you are feeling anger, fear, or guilt, there is a good chance you building a wall to hide behind, preventing others from knowing the truth about you.

Boundaries are about personal responsibility: Boundaries are created because a person has discovered the truth about themselves and has acted upon it. Boundaries are not built on anger, fear, and guilt. Boundaries grow out of a new willingness to try something different that might help them to move beyond their negative emotions. Boundaries require courage. Brave people set up boundaries that lead them into a new territory that is full of healthy options and meaningful relationships. A boundary is not a wall. Boundaries keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in. Boundaries are portable; you can take them with you, just like your skin protects what’s inside you because it creates a healthy barrier, insulating you from the unhealthy elements of life. A boundary is about taking personal ownership and responsibility for that which belongs to you including what you think, feel, and do. It is a statement of what I will do, what I have chosen, and what will be the outcome on my part, whether or not the other person gets the help or makes the changes needed. A boundary setting person understands they cannot change their past. They do what they can do today, to make a better future. A boundary protects you by leaving the past behind.

Everyday living: Walls are about having a victim mentality. Walls are used to make demands on the other person or nag them about the changes they should make. This approach causes the other person to build up defenses. A boundary works much more positively. It challenges the other person to drop the defenses and look at what needs to be changed. A wall is a barrier, whereas a boundary is a beginning of a whole new attitude and a new way of being. A Boundary stops you from walking into walls and allows you to walk into the future with God and others in a healthy, life giving-giving community. Walls are something you need to get past. You have to tear them down, go around them, or climb over them. They are to be overcome and shattered so you can move on. You can stop walking into walls when you learn to set healthy boundaries.

Moving into the Future

There is a process that leads to resolution. The Bible offers this guideline: “He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers” (Proverbs 19:8). You have moved beyond painful events in the past, when they no longer have any power and control over you. The following resolution concepts will help you move beyond walls that are blocking your future.

Examination: Take an honest look at your patterns you have developed and become a student of your own life. By looking at your life objectively, you can develop a plan that helps to stop the unhealthy reactions you usually have when things get uncomfortable. Look for the places that hold the most negative emotions like anger, fear and guilt, and what is behind those emotions. Resolving your issues is much easier than dealing with the consequences of failing to resolve them. (See Psalm 139:23).

Openness and confession: In order to get out from behind walls, we need to risk becoming open about the struggles we are going through. We also need to confess the sins we are committing. Openness provides an outlet to shame and stops it from adding up. Confession means we do not have to carry the shame with us. (See James 5:16).

Living in the present: Whatever happened in the past is over and done with. Begin to focus on what’s going on with you now like the good things in your life and the opportunities before you. (See Psalm 128:1-6, and Matthew 6:23-34).

Choosing to forgive: We must find a way to forgive the sins done to us and by us. There cannot be resolution without forgiveness. What the other person does is not the issue. You forgive to free yourself from the bondage to the person who has hurt you. (See Matthew 18:35, Mark 11:25, Luke 11:4, and Romans 12:14-21).

Choosing to let go: Choosing to let go is the act of turning your life and will over to God. Letting go is to believe and trust in God to control the outcome which allows you to be at peace and rest. (See 1Corinthians 13:3-13, James 3:13-18, and James 4:10).

Making amends and restitution: When people have hurt us, we want them to pay the price and make amends. On the other hand, others want the same from us if we have hurt them. We can live more comfortably with ourselves if we know we have done everything we can for the loss and pain we have caused. (See Proverbs 16:7).

Making a plan to protect yourself: It is very easy to fall back into your old ways and patterns that keep you stuck. By protecting yourself, you are less likely to have a relapse and get off track. You find protection by filling up your life with safe, healthy people who will help to guide and encourage you. Get plugged into a faith based group and get to know them, and let them get to know you. Practice spiritual disciplines including regular Bible reading and prayer (See Romans 8:5-11, and 1Peter 2:9).

Fulfilling the dream of reaching others: God has a purpose for your life. We need to secure our own growth by helping others in their process of healing. In doing so, we find meaning and purpose. (See Galatians 5:13 and 1Peter 4:10).

Getting a New Perspective

Getting unstuck is a process of giving up former views and attitudes. Getting a new perspective can help you get past your walls and move you toward healthier relationships, a life of contentment, a brighter future, and to begin living out the purpose God created you to accomplish.

Humility: The first step to getting a new perspective comes with humility. Humility allows us to see that we are all strugglers: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23). When we admit this fact, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take the focus off the sin done to us and put more emphasis on the reality that we are human and therefore inclined to make mistakes. We must see ourselves as we really are; needy, broken, and in need of a savior.

The Holy Spirit: We do not have to live as a slave to our emotions and instincts, because God has given us a power that can control these troublesome impulses. If we want to move past walls, we must come to the place where we treat people better than they treat us. The power of the Holy Spirit that lives in us enables us to do that: “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you” (Acts 1:8). When humility and living in the power of God is added, walls come down: “Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2Corinthians 12:9). Instead of focusing on the past and the bad that has happened, begin to see the people who hurt you as having the same needs and begin to pray for them. Remind yourself that you have greatness within you and that you can conquer anything: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).

Sharing the bond of imperfection: The next step toward widening your view of reality is an acknowledgment that the person who hurt you was raised in a broken world and most likely damaged in some way, which led them to become an abuser. It is simply being aware of the reality that all life on earth is imperfect. We share a bond of imperfection that comes out of God’s gift of free choice. The gift of choice frees you to make up your own mind and to choose your own priorities, but just as we make poor choices causing others to suffer, we also have felt the effects from the poor choices of others. If you can see your hurt in a context that we live in a broken world with broken people, it may lead you to a position where you gain a new perspective of your abuser and the event that has blocked your life.

Forgiving mind-set: The fourth step toward gaining a truer perspective is a mind-set that provides you with a new way of looking at the past and those who hurt you. In addition, it will allow you to connect with those in the present who continue to inflict pain and stir up trouble in your life. Not to be confused with the act of forgiveness, the spirit of forgiveness is a way of approaching all of life. You know that on any given day, you will have to forgive many slights, insults, and unintentional hurts. It becomes a daily habit of looking beyond the personal mistakes of others and making an effort to see good things that happen to you as God’s favor. In gratitude for God’s goodness, you gladly extend grace to others, including those who have hurt you. Are you ready to let go of resentment and begin to live your life in healthy freedom from the past?