The Many Faces of Anger

Anger is one of the most energy draining emotions we wrestle with. It can take over us before we fully realize it. Anger has many faces. Sometimes it’s just an irritation, or things get said we wish later, we hadn’t said. Sometimes anger comes out with such force that it results in hostile actions. The issue is in how we handle anger.

·         Three Harmful Ways of Managing Anger: Suppressing Anger is denial. People who suppress their emotions never want to appear weak or inferior, so they stubbornly maintain an outer front of having it all together. Open Aggression is exploding.  A major reason is too much emotional energy is spent on trivial matters that simply won’t go away. Another reason is personal insecurity. They are so needy in wanting respect they take this normal desire too far. Passive Aggression is caused by a need to have control and is engaged in a battle of superiority, but done in a quiet manner. By contrast, the following are two healthy choices of managing anger:

·         Assertive Anger: If anger is defined as preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions, then assertive anger means preservation is accomplished while considering the needs and feelings of others. This form of anger can actually help relationships grow. It represents a mark of personal maturity and stability. True assertive is not abrasive, nor is it meant to harm. The Bible gives a green light to assertiveness by telling us “Be angry, and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). This means there can be times when it is healthy to address concerns about personal worth, needs, and convictions, but is should be done in a manner that keeps the door open for ongoing love.  

As you communicate your needs and convictions, what will you need to do to ensure that your behavior is assertive rather than aggressive?

·         Dropping Anger:  There are times when you can have appropriate convictions to communicate yet, assertiveness may not work. Or it could be you have succeeded in making as many adjustments as possible in your world, yet imperfections continue to haunt you. At this point, it is best to drop your anger. Dropping your anger means you accept your inability to completely control circumstances and you realize your personal limits. This includes tolerance of differences as well as choosing to forgive. If you are resentful of the way someone has treated you, if you are holding it against that person, hoping you can retaliate or get back, you need to ask God to free you from that bondage. Bondage means you have given your freedom over to another person. Begin by asking God forgiveness for excusing and cultivating that deep root of bitterness within your heart and be free from bondage. 

The Spirit of God empowers the Christian believer to overcome the worse conditions in life: “you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you” (Acts 1:8).  Respond to the following statement: The thing that would help me most in dropping my anger would be (for instance, accepting the truth that others will be imperfect). 

Why do we get Angry?

The Bible teaches the two greatest commandments are to love God and to love one another. Therefore loving people is the most important thing in life after putting God first. But loving people isn’t always easy because people sometimes aren’t that loveable and they don’t always love us the way we would like them to. The way we feel at any given moment, is often the result, from our perception of our feeling loved or unloved. Anger is common to every person, found in all personality types. Anger is a general term to describe several emotional expressions including frustration, irritability, annoyance, and blowing off steam. Anger is defined as intent to preserve and protect personal worth, essential needs, and basic convictions.

·         Preserving personal worth: When we feel unloved we get angry. The angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned from having been ignored, denied, offended, mistreated, wronged, or controlled. The common message perceived is a lack of respect. Anger is better managed when we can begin to accept God’s grace and truth that produces in us a God given identity, His character, purpose, and eternal value. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1John 3:10).

·         Preserving essential needs: Everyone needs love, encouragement, and respect. These needs must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being. We feel confused, hurt, and angry when our essential needs are not validated. Anger is better managed when we find balance in contentment and thankfulness. “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land, and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail” (Isaiah 58:11).   

·         Preserving basic convictions: Anger can be incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger may be associated with legitimate concerns, but managed irresponsibly. There is a fine line between knowing when to stand up firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in the world. When anger becomes so much part of your identity that you lose your capacity to find peace, your convictions begin to work against you. Anger is better managed when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner. A person who is growing and maturing need to have a firm foundation of beliefs to guide their lives, yet also need to know how to remain composed when others do not share the same beliefs. “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman, has fulfilled the law” (Romans 13:8).

Anger is only one letter away from danger. Our anger can get the better of us when we are not validated or taken seriously. It is dangerous when we rely solely on the opinions of other’s for our emotional well-being. Where do you get your self-worth from? 

Being Accountable for Change and Growth

There are three elements for anger management to come full circle. First, you must identify the anger in its many forms. Second, examine the factors causing the anger to remain. Third, apply insights to change and growth to everyday living. Be accountable to others by taking ownership and responsibility for own relational and spiritual growth. Growth comes when involve yourself in the following healthy, relational practices. 

·         Become more relational: Misused anger creates an emotional atmosphere of rejection, expecting the worst, and self-centeredness, ultimately leaving everyone involved dissatisfied. Instead, create goals that will reflect a change of heart. Be known as someone who finds the good in others. Be courteous to others even when problems are not completely resolved. Choose to accept the imperfections of others, just as you want others to accept your imperfections.

·         Make amends: An inevitable by-product of misguided anger is damaged relationships. It is not enough for us to resolve to move forward with a new perspective on managing anger. To truly find balance we must be willing to make amends with those who been hurt by our past behavior and attitudes such as asking the one whom you offended to forgive you for specific wrongs. While there are no guarantees that we can tie down all loose ends involving the past, we can ensure a better outcome when we are willing to take the lead in our commitments to emotional healthiness.

·         Positive communication: Ongoing anger inhibits positive traits. Rather than being friendly or encouraging, anger can cause us to be cynical, critical, or withdrawn. Instead, be a better listener. Initiate friendly and sincere exchange in respectful conversation. Show some enthusiasm towards the interests of others. Be more flexible and less rigid in your daily interactions. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner.

·         Be open and real: For change to be effective, you need to be open and real about your changes with people who know you well. It is one thing to decide quietly that you will handle your anger more appropriately, but you will be more powerfully motivated to maintain your adjustments when you openly describe what will be different. As we share our needs and plans, we create the very atmosphere of growth and encouragement that will prompt ongoing emotional healthiness.

The true test of anger management is revealed in who you become after you have chosen to manage your anger differently. Part of that process is being accountable for your choices and behavior. You can do that by sharing your needs and weaknesses with a trusted friend or growth group. The Bible instructs us to “confess your sins with one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). How will sharing your anger management efforts help you and others? 

Why Anger Remains

Gaining new insights is important. Applying teaching and instruction to your life is also necessary to change and grow. Examine the following destructive patterns of thinking, and behaviors that are preventing you from overcoming anger that lingers:

·         Rationalizations: Facing reality is difficult. You may really want to change but resist the idea of hard work. It requires persistent effort and willingness to restructure the thoughts and perceptions that guide and direct each of us. Instead of admitting that we have chosen to react in anger, we would rather believe, “My anger is in me because of someone else’s problems.”   

·         A painful past: Most people with long-standing anger problems have a history full of emotional pain. To get beyond a painful past, we must humbly admit our inability to control others. This requires us to accept a difficult notion: pain is inevitable, cannot be fully controlled or eliminated, and sometimes is almost unbearable. You cannot control the past, but you can choose a new direction for yourself. “Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul” (Psalm 86:3-4). 

·         Unforgiveness: We cling to anger because forgiveness seems to let others off the hook too easily. Certainly the person being forgiven can choose to feel a sense of relief and can decide to mend his or her erroneous ways. However, there is no guarantee this will always occur, but we are still potentially assisting others in their spiritual growth when we choose to forgive. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). An ever higher motive to forgive is that it pleases God when we yield to His guidance. Forgiveness honors Him.

·         It isn’t fair: You ask for more trouble when you require fairness as a prerequisite for anger management. You may really want to resolve the problem, but in light of the other person’s stubborn ignorance you stay stuck in your anger, waiting for him or her to make the right move. You can move forward, but to do so, you’ll have to drop the idea that things must be fair. The Bible gives us this promise: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed” (Proverbs 16:3).

·         Anger becomes a habit: Just as we can become addicted to alcohol, food, or materialism, we can also become addicted to anger. Anger can become a core element to identity. It becomes such a familiar habit some people wouldn’t know how to think or act without it. To reduce anger, take responsibility by allowing God to guide your emotions and take personal accountability for your own choices. “Listen, my son, and we wise, and keep your heart on the right path” (Proverbs 23:19).

To overcome anger, avoid the temptation to rationalize your anger. Instead, assume full responsibility for who you are. Make healthy choices for your behavior, despite people, places, and things of the past or the present. Let go of any excuses that keep you tied to unhealthy anger. What patterns of distorted thinking and destructive behaviors are you still seeing in yourself? How can you replace a bad habit with a good habit? 

Understanding Feelings of Inferiority

Standing up for your basic needs and convictions implies that you feel you’re in a down position at that moment. At its best, anger elevates you from a low position to one of equality with the other person. But when you feel too strongly compelled to stand up for your needs, you are struggling too much with the feeling of being in a down position.

Everyone feels inferior at times: Despite our good intentions, something keeps us from being what we perceive to be as perfect. That something is our natural bent toward sin. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). In moderating your feelings it can be helpful to be aware of two common traps: the trap of succumbing to inferiority feelings. And second, the trap of attempting to be falsely superior.  

·         We succumb to inferiority feelings: Somehow we learn to think we are less than acceptable because of our humanness. For some, their self-esteem is tied closely to their latest performance. Or maybe they were treated unfairly by someone in authority. Whatever the situation, the message is “you are not as perfect as you should be.” The Bible promises us this: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

·         We seek false superiority: When feelings of inferiority come upon us, we look for an escape. The most common is to seek an edge of superiority. When you react to difficulties with the thought “I’ve got to get the upper hand”, you are declaring war. This brings out the worst in your own personality and in the other person. “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited” (Romans 12:16).

Recognize equality: To avoid the inferior-superior trap, we must acknowledge that we are all equal in human value. It is foolish to compare human values because we don’t have the same playing fields. Not everyone shares the same experiences, or grew up in the same families. Rather than getting lured into false games of superiority, we are more capable of seeing people for what they are: fellow sinners who have an equal need for God’s grace. “This is love; not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10).   

Minimize evaluations: Human beings are obsessed with evaluative standings. We feel compelled to grade the performance. Our self-esteem then rises or falls based on the latest report card. Accept feedback and be willing to learn, but don’t let your emotional stability hang on the latest evaluation. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Despite our best efforts, sometimes we still feel inadequate. Feelings of inferiority combined with increasing difficult circumstances can lead to anger. Sometimes we resort to getting the upper hand. Which of these tendencies best describes you: succumbing to inferiority feelings, or seeking false superiority? Give an example. 

The Fuel of Loneliness

You do not have to remain in a rut of isolation and loneliness. You can make the choice to minimize this problem by adjusting your thoughts and activities. To overcome loneliness requires a willingness to come out of your shell and make yourself known.

Why we feel lonely: Loneliness is the emotion of isolation and the uncomfortable awareness that gaps exist in your relationships. “Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends, those who see me on the street flee from me” (Psalm 31:11). Something seems to be missing. Acceptance from others does not come as often as you would like. You find yourself yearning to be with someone other than the person you are with. Change comes when you begin to understand the reason for those gaps. Loneliness is fueled from the following ways:

·         We have a sinful nature: We say we feel lonely because of frustrated relationships, painful pasts, or poor social skills. Ultimately, we feel lonely because sin causes us to be separated from God which keeps us from fully knowing relationship and experiencing contentment. “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God” (James 4:4). Because of our sinful nature, feelings of isolation are inevitable in each of us.  

·         We neglect relationships: Our sinful nature causes in us, a vulnerability to loneliness. Neglecting relationships is also partially to be at blame. We can be too busy with work, errands, and activities and overlook the more important stuff like sharing personal rewarding time with other adults. Being too busy is not the only way to neglect relational growth. We can also be lazy about making the effort to maintain satisfactory ties with others. “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). While achieving career goals and meeting schedules are important and should not be neglected, it is important to prioritize the most important goal and that is to relate, first with God, and then with others.    

·         We do not state our needs successfully: Negative communication patterns to change are when you try too hard to defend your position too powerfully. People will get the impression that you lack confidence in what you are saying, so they don’t take you seriously. The result leaves you feeling disconnected.  Instead, start by taking the insistence and intensity out of your voice. Communicate your need it in an even tone of voice. Know what it is you want to say in a compact, precise expression without wasted words. There is no guarantee others will respond to your needs once you’ve shared them. But by presenting yourself in a more composed manner, you will not receive the rejection as powerfully.

Relationships help us to grow. We need people and people need us. What meaningful relationships are you neglecting? Expressing your needs is the deepest level of communication. How can you begin to communicate your needs more effectively? 

The Fuel of Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that the fear of interaction and the resulting conflicts becomes the norm. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand two common ways that causes them:

·         We assume too much: When we attach too much importance to perceived or real rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to enter a power play. You do not have to let the rejections from other people be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. You can allow others their freedom to think as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own opinions and beliefs. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than putting off what is important to you.

·         The uncertainty of other people’s motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever” (Psalm 52:8). When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

The antidote to fear: When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. Unfortunately, we can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and we no longer have to live with guilt and shame. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2). We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. Drawing upon God’s strength requires God-focus and God-centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness. 

God has given you a self-image based on His righteousness. He wants you to feel loved, accepted, and forgiven. What hurts from your past are you holding onto that keep you in bondage of fear and rejection? 

Accountability Is Scriptural

There are several Bible instructions about making ourselves accountable to one another. “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults” (Psalm 19:12). But for many, the idea of revealing personal information may seem an invasion of privacy. Such transparency prevents or limits the pursuit of pleasure, prosperity, and prestige. Most people would rather keep to themselves and not involve others in their business.

·         Confession heals the soul: The Bible instructs us to support each other in this area: "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). The Bible instruction of confession begins our relationship with God: “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved” (Romans 10:10).   

·         Accountability is a biblical principle: Those serious about change and growth take direction from their pastor: “Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith” (Heb. 13:17). Paul tells us to be subject one to another: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). Yet he was answerable to the church (Acts 14:27), just as Timothy was subordinate to him (1 Tim. 4:13-16). The apostles were certainly under the authority of Jesus (Luke 10), even as Jesus was subject to the Father (John 8:28-29). Of course, the Bible tells us that the whole church is obedient to the Lord Jesus Christ (Eph. 5:24). Regardless of one's position, everybody is accountable to somebody. And this holds true for the entire family of faith; from the congregation to the ministers to Jesus Himself, who served God the Father.

People avoid accountability for various reasons, including pride, ignorance, fear, and self-reliance. This is a dangerous approach to life. Our Enemy knows our weaknesses and how to exploit them. But we can be successful with the support of friends. There is strength in the body of Christ.

Fear causes Defensiveness

Fear is an emotion brought about by a perceived threat. Fear is the inward insecurity that prevents us from living in healthy ways. Fear is usually associated with obvious weak characteristics such as shyness, cowering, or intimidation. Even though not as obvious, fear can also be expressed with a false sense of courage, excessive talking, workaholism, lying, and others.

Fear causes defensiveness: Instead of being real in personal relationships, defensive people project a false or only partially true images of themselves. Most commonly, defensiveness is expressed in the following traits: denial, evasiveness, and reversal.

·         Denial is a refusal to acknowledge personal problems and tensions by excusing or avoiding issues. The nature of fear is evident in denial.  We fear our vulnerability will be found out and held against us so we deny being weak or needy. The Bible gives us this reminder: “Have I not commanded you? Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

·         Evasiveness is different from denial in that evasiveness is driven by a conscious element of fear, while denial involves subconscious self-deception. When we act evasively we are specifically choosing to avoid the responsibility of meeting problems head on, therefore evasiveness is a deliberate deception of others. Evasiveness is a mark of personal insecurity and a lack of trust in others. The book of Proverbs is full of wisdom, providing warning and instruction: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25).    

·         Reversal is more openly combative. It is driven by the idea that the best way to protect yourself is to keep others on the defense. When reversal techniques are used, we assume others are out to get us so we become offensive. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Be authentic: We can overcome fear with being authentic. This means while we are wise enough to balance self-disclosures (building block to intimacy) we are also willing to make ourselves known as common sense allows. Authentic living is when our external lives are consistent with our internal lives. “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7).  

Focus on the Lord instead of on fear: “The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death” (Proverbs 16:27). Ultimately the root of fear that leads to death is not trusting in God. The best way to overcome fear is to meditate on the Word of God. When trouble comes, hold fast to the truth in the Bible. The Bible is intended to be an immovable anchor for your life. As God’s thoughts become part of your own thinking, fear will fade and faith will grow. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1John 4:18).  

Which one of these three, denial, evasiveness, or reversal, best describes you?  

Get Wisdom

“Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.  Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:5-7).

The Bible is the book of Wisdom: The most obvious source of Godly wisdom is the Bible. For every life circumstance there is a Biblical application. The Bible is full of principles that develop Godly character that produces proper conduct and conversation. “If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer” (Proverbs 9:12).

·         Learn it and do it: We can all recall times when we didn’t respond wisely. Those incidents can be traced back to one of two possibilities. Either we didn’t know a certain biblical principle or we knew the principle that applied but chose to ignore or violate it. “Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it” (Proverbs 8:33). To ensure that we are familiar with God’s standards and the importance of following them, we’ve got to dig into His Word. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5).

·         Be Obedient: Suppose a person at your work assaults you verbally with for a costly mistake even though it wasn’t your fault. Your flesh and the world would have you respond in kind with anger and malice. The Bible offers a different approach that might go something like this: “Is there anything else? Thank you for telling me how you feel”. “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28). Not easy to do, never-the-less, that’s what the Bible tells us to do, so we should not ignore it. “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).

·         Understanding is Application: Knowledge comes from learning biblical principles and wisdom has to do with applying them. “But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does” (James 1:25). The Lord cautions us to keep His Word in our heart and in our heads so that we will heed His instructions. “I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11).

We get wisdom as we pursue the Christian life. As we read the Bible, do what it says, and observing the result, is for our good even when consequences are often less than favorable. Special classes aren’t required; God simply wants obedient hearts and a willing spirit.

Pride causes Anger

Pride is the emotion of self-absorption and self-centeredness, arrogance and conceit, is easily offended, critical of others, and presumptuous focusing only on his or her rights and preferences. When the prideful person does not get his or her way, they overstate their demands: “An angry man stirs up dissensions, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins” (Proverbs 29:22). Pride is a spiritual disease and is the expression of our inborn sinful nature. Anger can be managed as you reconcile with God and His ways.

·         Humility is the antidote to pride: The trait that keeps us in submission to God is humility. While denying self may appear to be a weakness, it actually clears the way for unusual strength. Because God’s plan always leads to healthy interaction, we can be sure that this submission will bring us more success than failures. “Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 18:12).

·         Humility is other-focused: As the emotion of self-preoccupation, pride’s bottom line is, “get my needs met.” The Bible’s instruction for successful relationships is to consider others more important than yourself. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). This requires us to be sensitive to others’ feelings and to recognize that their different perceptions can have importance. This is not natural for us to do, and involves a daily, conscious decision on our part. When you practice assertiveness, you can be confident in your choice to communicate your emotions in a constructive fashion while maintaining respect for the other party.

·        Humility accepts limits: Prideful people struggle to maintain balance in their relationships. They create turmoil by imposing their will by attempting to push their preferences and ideas on to others. To establish patterns of successful assertiveness, boundaries must be recognized. First, you must establish personal boundaries, including communicating simple needs to standing openly for deep convictions. Second, you must accept others’ differentness.  Do what is good: “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men” (Titus 3:1-2).

·         Humility is a choice: If you practice humility as an act of duty only, you would have some success at managing your anger. But then, it wouldn’t really be humility. You’d be living in a subtle form of pride called legalism. Humility is not a duty, it is a choice. By accepting our limits and setting aside self-centeredness, we are not repressing the other emotions. We are putting a higher priority on appropriateness.  Learning to let go of undesirable emotions, like anger, rather than repressing them is unnatural to many. If you have had a history of abuse or if you are accustomed to being invalidated, you have probably learned the trait of repression (denial). To develop humility without repression will require ongoing self-examination.

Give one example of how you became angry because you did not get your way. What was the result? How could you have handled the situation differently? 

Walking along the Growth Path

Our sinful nature means we are broken and unable to fix ourselves. We are rebellious, prideful, and self-centered, wanting control of others, refusing to submit to the will of the Holy Spirit. Only God’s grace and truth reconciles, heals, and restores us back to Him. Relationship with God is possible again when we accept the gift of grace made possible by the Savior’s death and bodily resurrection.

Pressing on toward the goal: Seek Righteousness. “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (Philippians 3:12). Examine the external and the internal. “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose” (Philippians 2:13).

Recognize the need: Admitting you do not have it all together and realizing the need is the beginning to growth. The process of spiritual growth begins when people recognize the need for God or growth, or have some type of struggle or problem that requires God’s help. Whenever you can identify the need, you can find the point of entry: Help comes from outside ourselves – that is, from God and others. The following is a partial list of the fruit (symptoms) that are actually the result of deeper soul and spiritual issues:

·         Marriage or dating conflicts, family problems, and career failures

·         Depression, doubt, anxiety, and troubled emotions

·         Addictions and hurts from the past  

Identification of issues: Real change takes place from dealing with the root causes, not just the symptoms. “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit” (Matthew 7:18). Character injuries and immaturities are the central issues that drive the fruit (symptoms).

·         Lack of bonding and trust

·         Problems being separate and setting limits

·         Problems controlling others

·         Inability to deal with one’s badness

·         Problems accepting the failures of others

·         Struggling in relating to the world as an adult

Issues have a history: Our past injury and pride blinds us to the truth and reality that sets us free. For empathy and perspective, be aware of people’s history. Helping others to see and understand the patterns in their lives will help them turn a major corner in their growth. Understanding the past helps people to see what parts are their fault (control, withholding love, non-acceptance), and what parts are the product of living in a fallen world (death of a loved one, chronic illness).

Take ownership: Ownership is about accepting reality. Taking ownership starts when a person comes to the realization of his or her problem and that growth is the only solution. The process often takes time, as people sort out their feelings about the nature and cause of their issues, and then practicing new skills.  

Self-Imposed Anger

Many people will say the reasons behind their anger come from other people or circumstances. Even though external pressures do present difficulties, you still have to take personal responsibility for your choices and how those choices ultimately affect you. The following are some of the more common patterns of self-imposed anger.

·         Moral decline: Too many people increase their anger by compromising their morals to gain acceptance, or not to face the reality of their pain and suffering. In the short term, some satisfaction is felt. But over the long term immorality and emotional turmoil go hand in hand. An immoral lifestyle is one of dissatisfaction and emptiness and that leads to increased frustration. “You my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13).

·         Work becomes all there is: When people are consumed by work they typically describe themselves as stressed. Overworked, stressful people get angry. Instead, nurture important relationships and set limits regarding activities. “What does a man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?” (Ecclesiastes 1:3). “He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor” (Proverbs 21:21).

·         Poor health habits: There are several unhealthy ways relating to self-imposed anger including overeating, lack of exercise, not enough sleep, smoking, and substance abuse. Each of these habits contributes to irritability, low self-esteem, added stress, and reduces quality of life. People seeking to manage anger properly will logically conclude that physical health is a powerful element of personal stability. “The fear of the Lord adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short” (Proverbs 10:27).

·         Materialism is overemphasized: Problems arise when material gain is required for happiness. Perhaps the most common form of anger associated with material emphasis is envy; frustration over someone else’s possession of something we want. If we run the race of materialism, we become vulnerable to false superiority. Anger is reduced when we feel loved, respected and understood. These things cannot be bought. “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife” (Proverbs 17:1).  

·          Spiritual life is ignored: Anger management is ultimately linked to spiritual stability. When spiritual vitality is absent, personal stability is no longer a matter of inner strength.  Daily problems become overwhelming when we do not have an on-going relationship with God. Being a peace with God empowers us to confidently combat worldly imperfections that would otherwise increase irritability and anger. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8).

Which of these statements do you identify with, and why? What unmet needs do you think may be driving your behavior? What healthy way can those unmet needs be met? 

False beliefs that cause Anger

Past frustrations can lead to false beliefs. Misconceptions keep us from applying good clear choices of how to best deal with anger and, other issues and struggles. To manage life successfully, we must replace false beliefs with God’s Truth.

1.    My history of rejection leaves me emotionally depleted: Some people believe they are forever jinxed because they have felt rejected several times. This false belief does not prepare people emotionally when others’ do not accept them. So when rejection continues, hope fades while anger builds. “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long” (Psalm 25:4-5).   

2.    God should have stopped my problems: Anger is often a result of suffering. Although it is easy to assume God doesn’t care, the Bible in Romans 8:28, tells us that all things are work together for good for those who trust in God. “Be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through the belief in the truth” (2 Thessalonians 2:13b).

3.    Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat: Angry people feel like victims because of wrongs they have endured. Some wrongs are underserved and other wrongs are brought on by poor choices. Either way, victimization causes angry people to conclude that forgiveness is unreasonable. “Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace” (Psalm 37:37).

4.    No one understands my unique problems: Instead of focusing on the differences between your circumstances and those of other people, we can come to see that everyone knows disappointment in one way or another. “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even through refined fire, may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Christ Jesus is revealed” (1 Peter 1:6-9).

5.    I don’t deserve to be happy: Sometimes we allow ourselves to be weighed down by the issues of others. Instead of taking responsibility for their issues, we can view our efforts at making healthy choices as a responsible contribution to the well-being of those who play important roles in our lives. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:67).  

6.    There is nothing to look forward to anymore: When people have a pattern of irritability, it is easy for them to conclude that their future will be no different. Angry people can be so tied to their angry pattern they falsely conclude that attempts to change would be pointless. “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him” (2 Corinthians 2:9).

Developing a Vibrant Faith

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

What fuels your love for the Lord? The Apostle Paul had a strong commitment and devotion to God. His love for the Lord was obvious because Jesus was always at the center of his beliefs, thoughts, and words, in all he did including work, ministry, and even during trials and suffering.

Share your story: Paul's conversion experience on the road to Damascus was a motivating force in his life (see Acts 9:1-19). Grateful for the gift of grace and mercy he received at salvation, Paul passionately shared with people about his encounter with the resurrected Christ and its resulting impact on him. Just like the Apostle Paul, we have a story to share of God's mercy and forgiveness through salvation and of the new beginning we have in Him.

The gift that keeps on giving: Paul's passion also came from his firm conviction that the gospel message of grace is absolute truth and available to everyone. On the cross, Jesus took all our sins including past, present, and future, upon Him. His suffering and sacrifice was necessary so we might receive forgiveness and redemption, putting us into a right relationship with the Father. Through faith in Jesus Christ, we have been born again and the Holy Spirit who lives in us at the moment of salvation helps us every day. The more we understand what Jesus accomplished on the cross for our behalf, the greater our passion will be to share the gospel.

Everyday living: Developing a vibrant faith requires time and energy plus a commitment to obey God. Studying the Bible regularly will strengthen your beliefs and give you courage to speak. Caring about the spiritual welfare of others will move you into action. Seek God with all your mind, heart and soul and serve Jesus wherever He leads you. 

Excessive Control causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we grow, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within our relationships. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. The following three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers:

1.    Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think and feel are at the core of who we are. Anger comes when we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance, and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

2.    Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then pressured to conform to the other person’s way of thinking.

3.    Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, but to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been taken away.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed, and when acceptance comes only when we give into the demands of the other person. 

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Acknowledge freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it. “It is freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

Stand firm: It is only when we trust in God that we will be able to find the strength and stability to make it through life’s storms and struggles. “May the Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17). What steps are you taking towards giving God the things you cannot control?

A Godly Heart

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). The Lord promises to give us the desires of our hearts. But many people take this passage out of context, forgetting that their own mindset plays a vital part in bringing it to fruition. As a wise person once said, "Where your mind goes, your feet go, so be careful what you think about." What is your responsibility when it comes to claiming promises from God?

Delight yourselves in the Lord: Rejoice in God and desire to walk in obedience. “If the Lord delights in a man’s way, He makes his steps firm; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand (Psalm 37:23-24). The Lord must have first place in your life before you can claim the promise.

Commit your ways to the Lord: “Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun” (Psalm 37:5-6). Allow God to change any aspect of your ambition that is not His will. Remember that when He doesn't answer a prayer as you wished, it is for a reason.

Trust Him: “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture” (Psalm 37:3). God is merciful, all-knowing, kind, and generous. You can trust Him with your hopes and dreams.

Rest in Him: “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways when they carry out their wicked schemes” (Psalm 37:7) Resting in the Lord means trusting Him to answer prayers in His timing or transform your desires  so they conform to His will.

Put your Hope in the Lord: “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land” (Psalm 37:8-9). Only when you surrender to Him will you experience God's best for your life.

Do your desires align with God's purpose and plan for your life? He longs to give His followers abundant blessings and fullness of joy. Allow your dreams to be conformed to the Lord's will, and follow His guidance faithfully. 

Developing a Tender Heart

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people and I will be your God” (Ezekiel 36:25-28).

The Lord wants to give each of us a "heart of flesh" so that we will be moldable and responsive to Him. When touched by God, a tender, yielding heart summits to the pressure and accepts the form He desires much like a lump of clay that allows the potter to determine the shape of the vessel. The following four areas provide insight in developing a tender heart.

The Holy Spirit: God’s gift of the Holy Spirit dwells in each believer. By yielding to the inspiration of the Holy Spirit with a willingness and readiness to obey, the heart becomes increasingly tender and sensitive to His leading. The Lord is able to impart greater understanding of His Word to a tender heart because it has faithfully accepted and obeyed previous teachings.

Stay connected with God: Any resistance to God will result in hardening. But those who are accustomed to intimacy with Christ, which is the result of submission to Him, will be quick to deal with sin and return to the place of obedience and blessing.

Stay connected with other believers: People with tender hearts stay closely connected to the body of Christ, seeking to encourage others in their walk of faith. Such individuals are not only receptive to what God wants to tell them they are also teachable, willing to listen, and be corrected by others.

Make Bible reading and pray a priority: As you read the Word and pray, let your heart be tender toward the words of God. As He touches you in each hard area, listen to His direction, and lean on the power of the Spirit to help you yield and obey. Allow Him shape you into a beautiful and useful vessel.