Understanding Feelings of Inferiority

Standing up for your basic needs and convictions implies that you feel you’re in a down position at that moment. At its best, anger elevates you from a low position to one of equality with the other person. But when you feel too strongly compelled to stand up for your needs, you are struggling too much with the feeling of being in a down position.

Everyone feels inferior at times: Despite our good intentions, something keeps us from being what we perceive to be as perfect. That something is our natural bent toward sin. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). In moderating your feelings it can be helpful to be aware of two common traps: the trap of succumbing to inferiority feelings. And second, the trap of attempting to be falsely superior.  

·         We succumb to inferiority feelings: Somehow we learn to think we are less than acceptable because of our humanness. For some, their self-esteem is tied closely to their latest performance. Or maybe they were treated unfairly by someone in authority. Whatever the situation, the message is “you are not as perfect as you should be.” The Bible promises us this: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

·         We seek false superiority: When feelings of inferiority come upon us, we look for an escape. The most common is to seek an edge of superiority. When you react to difficulties with the thought “I’ve got to get the upper hand”, you are declaring war. This brings out the worst in your own personality and in the other person. “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited” (Romans 12:16).

Recognize equality: To avoid the inferior-superior trap, we must acknowledge that we are all equal in human value. It is foolish to compare human values because we don’t have the same playing fields. Not everyone shares the same experiences, or grew up in the same families. Rather than getting lured into false games of superiority, we are more capable of seeing people for what they are: fellow sinners who have an equal need for God’s grace. “This is love; not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10).   

Minimize evaluations: Human beings are obsessed with evaluative standings. We feel compelled to grade the performance. Our self-esteem then rises or falls based on the latest report card. Accept feedback and be willing to learn, but don’t let your emotional stability hang on the latest evaluation. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Despite our best efforts, sometimes we still feel inadequate. Feelings of inferiority combined with increasing difficult circumstances can lead to anger. Sometimes we resort to getting the upper hand. Which of these tendencies best describes you: succumbing to inferiority feelings, or seeking false superiority? Give an example. 

The Fuel of Loneliness

You do not have to remain in a rut of isolation and loneliness. You can make the choice to minimize this problem by adjusting your thoughts and activities. To overcome loneliness requires a willingness to come out of your shell and make yourself known.

Why we feel lonely: Loneliness is the emotion of isolation and the uncomfortable awareness that gaps exist in your relationships. “Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends, those who see me on the street flee from me” (Psalm 31:11). Something seems to be missing. Acceptance from others does not come as often as you would like. You find yourself yearning to be with someone other than the person you are with. Change comes when you begin to understand the reason for those gaps. Loneliness is fueled from the following ways:

·         We have a sinful nature: We say we feel lonely because of frustrated relationships, painful pasts, or poor social skills. Ultimately, we feel lonely because sin causes us to be separated from God which keeps us from fully knowing relationship and experiencing contentment. “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God” (James 4:4). Because of our sinful nature, feelings of isolation are inevitable in each of us.  

·         We neglect relationships: Our sinful nature causes in us, a vulnerability to loneliness. Neglecting relationships is also partially to be at blame. We can be too busy with work, errands, and activities and overlook the more important stuff like sharing personal rewarding time with other adults. Being too busy is not the only way to neglect relational growth. We can also be lazy about making the effort to maintain satisfactory ties with others. “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). While achieving career goals and meeting schedules are important and should not be neglected, it is important to prioritize the most important goal and that is to relate, first with God, and then with others.    

·         We do not state our needs successfully: Negative communication patterns to change are when you try too hard to defend your position too powerfully. People will get the impression that you lack confidence in what you are saying, so they don’t take you seriously. The result leaves you feeling disconnected.  Instead, start by taking the insistence and intensity out of your voice. Communicate your need it in an even tone of voice. Know what it is you want to say in a compact, precise expression without wasted words. There is no guarantee others will respond to your needs once you’ve shared them. But by presenting yourself in a more composed manner, you will not receive the rejection as powerfully.

Relationships help us to grow. We need people and people need us. What meaningful relationships are you neglecting? Expressing your needs is the deepest level of communication. How can you begin to communicate your needs more effectively? 

The Fuel of Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that the fear of interaction and the resulting conflicts becomes the norm. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand two common ways that causes them:

·         We assume too much: When we attach too much importance to perceived or real rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to enter a power play. You do not have to let the rejections from other people be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. You can allow others their freedom to think as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own opinions and beliefs. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than putting off what is important to you.

·         The uncertainty of other people’s motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever” (Psalm 52:8). When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

The antidote to fear: When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. Unfortunately, we can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and we no longer have to live with guilt and shame. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2). We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. Drawing upon God’s strength requires God-focus and God-centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness. 

God has given you a self-image based on His righteousness. He wants you to feel loved, accepted, and forgiven. What hurts from your past are you holding onto that keep you in bondage of fear and rejection? 

Accountability Is Scriptural

There are several Bible instructions about making ourselves accountable to one another. “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults” (Psalm 19:12). But for many, the idea of revealing personal information may seem an invasion of privacy. Such transparency prevents or limits the pursuit of pleasure, prosperity, and prestige. Most people would rather keep to themselves and not involve others in their business.

·         Confession heals the soul: The Bible instructs us to support each other in this area: "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). The Bible instruction of confession begins our relationship with God: “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved” (Romans 10:10).   

·         Accountability is a biblical principle: Those serious about change and growth take direction from their pastor: “Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith” (Heb. 13:17). Paul tells us to be subject one to another: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). Yet he was answerable to the church (Acts 14:27), just as Timothy was subordinate to him (1 Tim. 4:13-16). The apostles were certainly under the authority of Jesus (Luke 10), even as Jesus was subject to the Father (John 8:28-29). Of course, the Bible tells us that the whole church is obedient to the Lord Jesus Christ (Eph. 5:24). Regardless of one's position, everybody is accountable to somebody. And this holds true for the entire family of faith; from the congregation to the ministers to Jesus Himself, who served God the Father.

People avoid accountability for various reasons, including pride, ignorance, fear, and self-reliance. This is a dangerous approach to life. Our Enemy knows our weaknesses and how to exploit them. But we can be successful with the support of friends. There is strength in the body of Christ.

Fear causes Defensiveness

Fear is an emotion brought about by a perceived threat. Fear is the inward insecurity that prevents us from living in healthy ways. Fear is usually associated with obvious weak characteristics such as shyness, cowering, or intimidation. Even though not as obvious, fear can also be expressed with a false sense of courage, excessive talking, workaholism, lying, and others.

Fear causes defensiveness: Instead of being real in personal relationships, defensive people project a false or only partially true images of themselves. Most commonly, defensiveness is expressed in the following traits: denial, evasiveness, and reversal.

·         Denial is a refusal to acknowledge personal problems and tensions by excusing or avoiding issues. The nature of fear is evident in denial.  We fear our vulnerability will be found out and held against us so we deny being weak or needy. The Bible gives us this reminder: “Have I not commanded you? Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

·         Evasiveness is different from denial in that evasiveness is driven by a conscious element of fear, while denial involves subconscious self-deception. When we act evasively we are specifically choosing to avoid the responsibility of meeting problems head on, therefore evasiveness is a deliberate deception of others. Evasiveness is a mark of personal insecurity and a lack of trust in others. The book of Proverbs is full of wisdom, providing warning and instruction: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25).    

·         Reversal is more openly combative. It is driven by the idea that the best way to protect yourself is to keep others on the defense. When reversal techniques are used, we assume others are out to get us so we become offensive. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Be authentic: We can overcome fear with being authentic. This means while we are wise enough to balance self-disclosures (building block to intimacy) we are also willing to make ourselves known as common sense allows. Authentic living is when our external lives are consistent with our internal lives. “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7).  

Focus on the Lord instead of on fear: “The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death” (Proverbs 16:27). Ultimately the root of fear that leads to death is not trusting in God. The best way to overcome fear is to meditate on the Word of God. When trouble comes, hold fast to the truth in the Bible. The Bible is intended to be an immovable anchor for your life. As God’s thoughts become part of your own thinking, fear will fade and faith will grow. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1John 4:18).  

Which one of these three, denial, evasiveness, or reversal, best describes you?  

Get Wisdom

“Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.  Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:5-7).

The Bible is the book of Wisdom: The most obvious source of Godly wisdom is the Bible. For every life circumstance there is a Biblical application. The Bible is full of principles that develop Godly character that produces proper conduct and conversation. “If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer” (Proverbs 9:12).

·         Learn it and do it: We can all recall times when we didn’t respond wisely. Those incidents can be traced back to one of two possibilities. Either we didn’t know a certain biblical principle or we knew the principle that applied but chose to ignore or violate it. “Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it” (Proverbs 8:33). To ensure that we are familiar with God’s standards and the importance of following them, we’ve got to dig into His Word. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5).

·         Be Obedient: Suppose a person at your work assaults you verbally with for a costly mistake even though it wasn’t your fault. Your flesh and the world would have you respond in kind with anger and malice. The Bible offers a different approach that might go something like this: “Is there anything else? Thank you for telling me how you feel”. “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28). Not easy to do, never-the-less, that’s what the Bible tells us to do, so we should not ignore it. “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).

·         Understanding is Application: Knowledge comes from learning biblical principles and wisdom has to do with applying them. “But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does” (James 1:25). The Lord cautions us to keep His Word in our heart and in our heads so that we will heed His instructions. “I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11).

We get wisdom as we pursue the Christian life. As we read the Bible, do what it says, and observing the result, is for our good even when consequences are often less than favorable. Special classes aren’t required; God simply wants obedient hearts and a willing spirit.