It is God’s plan that you live an exceptional life. After Jesus reconciles you back into a relationship with God, He seals it with the promise of the Holy Spirit. “And you were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit” (Ephesians 1:13). He gives you the promise that He will complete the work He began in you: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on the completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). The desire to grow and the desire to move closer to God comes from His Spirit. If you are moving towards God it’s because He’s moving towards you.
The Holy Spirit gives you the security knowing that God is for you, not against you. God has given you everything you need to live the exceptional life. Growth begins in a secure relationship and that security comes from the work of the Holy Spirit. The very presence of God in you is the Holy Spirit. He gives you ability, wisdom, and what to say: “for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit” (Mark 13:11).
The Holy Spirit is your friend, He “partners” with you. He comes along side you and helps you. He searches your heart and shows you what to change: “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will” (Rom. 8:27). The Holy Spirit helps you: “but the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).
He leads you and guides you: “But when He, the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come” (John 16:13). He leads you to truth: “And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth” (1John 5:6b). He will correct you and convict you: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of all things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you” (Phil. 3:15). He enables your God given talents and gifts: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good” (1Corinthians 12:7). He gives comfort: The Holy Spirit is a healer and deliverer: “Repent, then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).
The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled: Each step of growth you take is a step of faith as you will encounter a very real God who has given you His Spirit to help you in every situation and in every need guaranteeing you the exceptional life. It is not with striving, willpower and strength of your own efforts that produces change. Instead, it is a life of summoning up faith that will be given to you. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16-17).
What is that the Holy Spirit speaking to you to change in YOUR life? (Not your neighbor, friend, girlfriend or boyfriend, family member or co-workers life!) What is keeping you from hearing and obeying the Holy Spirit?
January 27, 2012
January 25, 2012
Examine your ability to choose healthy relationships
It is our responsibility to pick good, safe people. Our own character flaws cause us to pick unsafe people sometimes picking a person with the same issues as ourselves. We have to identify our own issues that cause us to repeat the cycle of involving ourselves in unhealthy relationships. The destructive relational patterns within our selves are demonstrated in the following areas:
Inability to Judge Character: God has made us with two sides of our thinking, the rational and emotional. We get into trouble when we ignore the rational thinking. We “know better” but we still may be attracted to some one who is irresponsible, acting upon our emotions only.
Isolation and Fear of Abandonment: With out safe and supportive relationships, keeping a primary unsafe relationship seems better than nothing at all. This all-or- nothing split keeps isolation and the fear of abandonment going.
Defensive Hope: Defensive hope disappoints and prevents us from facing the truth. We want to avoid sadness and grief by not facing reality. We hope the other person will change, but we have to learn to not expect that they will change. The only one that we can change is ourselves. With people who do not have our best interest, we have to set boundaries and limits.
Failure to accept your own Badness: We all have bad parts that we need to own and confess. If we believe that we are completely holy and do not own our badness, we will see the badness outside of ourselves. Many people choose unsafe relationships because they do not own their badness are finding it and living it vicariously through others.
Merger Wishes: People try to find what they lack by identifying with someone else. Often time people choose relationships based on the other’s financial success or assertive personality. The problem then is they try to achieve spiritual and life growth without doing the hard work them selves.
Fear of Confrontation: Confrontation can be difficult but can be learned through the practice of boundaries, setting limits and giving consequences. Biblical, loving confrontation is needed with unsafe people.
Romanticizing: Romanticizing is an idealized way of looking at someone or some situation. They only see the good and they ignore the other person’s character flaws.
Need to Rescue: A rescuer needs an unsafe person to rescue. People who need rescuing are not taking responsibility for their own lives. The rescuer is not getting their needs met from the unsafe person. The rescuer is enabling the unsafe person and neither one is growing or maturing.
Familiarity: God has designed each of us to learn patterns of relating in our family of origin. In His plan, we should learn healthy character development like honesty, responsibility and love. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. We can learn deceit, manipulation and other unhealthy character flaws from family and culture.
Victim Mentality: A victim is someone who has no power. Thing are done to them, not by them. When a drunk driver hits you, you are a victim. Victim mentality is a pattern of relating and is not the same a being a victim. Instead, they play the “victim role”. This victim mentality does not take responsibility for their choices and behaviors. They are passive in nature and give over the “reins” to another and let them make choices for them. These “victim role players” need to learn to make good decisions, take responsibility for them selves, practice boundaries and setting limits with others.
Guilt: For someone to make us feel guilty there is some part of us that agrees with the accuser. There is a critical voice inside us agreeing to allow someone to control us with guilt messages. But we can free ourselves from guilt and shame when we look within ourselves. When there is love and acceptance by others and we understand there is freedom and no condemnation in Christ, we let the other party bear the responsibility for their own feelings and choices.
Perfectionism: Some perfectionists are particularly compulsive about details. Others want people to always view them as perfect in whatever content or situation. They put up a front and do not want anyone to find out they have problems and flaws. This idea of perfectionalism allows others to have power and control and they become a slave to their ideals. Perfectionist people need to learn to love and accept themselves, and allow others to see them as they really are, so they can have relationships built on trust & acceptance.
Repetition: Repetition is when you are caught in a destructive relational pattern that is learned early in life and the cycle repeats over and over again, going down that same familiar maze. People, who are caught in this repetition pattern, do not learn from their mistakes and do not mature and grow. Freedom from this destructive pattern is to gain insight and identifying the pattern, connect with healthy people, make some tough choices and learn new healthy behavior.
Denial of Pain and Perceptions: We need to learn from our experiences and discern good from evil. Our senses are dulled when we get stuck in destructive relational patterns. Our feelings, intuitions, and perceptions are important to be in touch with, instead of only believing what someone tells us. We have to learn to pay attention to our gut feelings when some one is hurting us. We have to search scripture, pray, have a support group and identify the “fruits” of our relationships.
These are all issues that the Bible deals with directly and tells us how to face as part of our growth process. If you have a pattern of bad relationships, it may not be the fault of the other person but actually a sign of your own spiritual immaturity. As you change, the people around you will adapt and change and you will break free from the pattern of behavior that keeps you in relationships that do not have your best interest.
Inability to Judge Character: God has made us with two sides of our thinking, the rational and emotional. We get into trouble when we ignore the rational thinking. We “know better” but we still may be attracted to some one who is irresponsible, acting upon our emotions only.
Isolation and Fear of Abandonment: With out safe and supportive relationships, keeping a primary unsafe relationship seems better than nothing at all. This all-or- nothing split keeps isolation and the fear of abandonment going.
Defensive Hope: Defensive hope disappoints and prevents us from facing the truth. We want to avoid sadness and grief by not facing reality. We hope the other person will change, but we have to learn to not expect that they will change. The only one that we can change is ourselves. With people who do not have our best interest, we have to set boundaries and limits.
Failure to accept your own Badness: We all have bad parts that we need to own and confess. If we believe that we are completely holy and do not own our badness, we will see the badness outside of ourselves. Many people choose unsafe relationships because they do not own their badness are finding it and living it vicariously through others.
Merger Wishes: People try to find what they lack by identifying with someone else. Often time people choose relationships based on the other’s financial success or assertive personality. The problem then is they try to achieve spiritual and life growth without doing the hard work them selves.
Fear of Confrontation: Confrontation can be difficult but can be learned through the practice of boundaries, setting limits and giving consequences. Biblical, loving confrontation is needed with unsafe people.
Romanticizing: Romanticizing is an idealized way of looking at someone or some situation. They only see the good and they ignore the other person’s character flaws.
Need to Rescue: A rescuer needs an unsafe person to rescue. People who need rescuing are not taking responsibility for their own lives. The rescuer is not getting their needs met from the unsafe person. The rescuer is enabling the unsafe person and neither one is growing or maturing.
Familiarity: God has designed each of us to learn patterns of relating in our family of origin. In His plan, we should learn healthy character development like honesty, responsibility and love. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. We can learn deceit, manipulation and other unhealthy character flaws from family and culture.
Victim Mentality: A victim is someone who has no power. Thing are done to them, not by them. When a drunk driver hits you, you are a victim. Victim mentality is a pattern of relating and is not the same a being a victim. Instead, they play the “victim role”. This victim mentality does not take responsibility for their choices and behaviors. They are passive in nature and give over the “reins” to another and let them make choices for them. These “victim role players” need to learn to make good decisions, take responsibility for them selves, practice boundaries and setting limits with others.
Guilt: For someone to make us feel guilty there is some part of us that agrees with the accuser. There is a critical voice inside us agreeing to allow someone to control us with guilt messages. But we can free ourselves from guilt and shame when we look within ourselves. When there is love and acceptance by others and we understand there is freedom and no condemnation in Christ, we let the other party bear the responsibility for their own feelings and choices.
Perfectionism: Some perfectionists are particularly compulsive about details. Others want people to always view them as perfect in whatever content or situation. They put up a front and do not want anyone to find out they have problems and flaws. This idea of perfectionalism allows others to have power and control and they become a slave to their ideals. Perfectionist people need to learn to love and accept themselves, and allow others to see them as they really are, so they can have relationships built on trust & acceptance.
Repetition: Repetition is when you are caught in a destructive relational pattern that is learned early in life and the cycle repeats over and over again, going down that same familiar maze. People, who are caught in this repetition pattern, do not learn from their mistakes and do not mature and grow. Freedom from this destructive pattern is to gain insight and identifying the pattern, connect with healthy people, make some tough choices and learn new healthy behavior.
Denial of Pain and Perceptions: We need to learn from our experiences and discern good from evil. Our senses are dulled when we get stuck in destructive relational patterns. Our feelings, intuitions, and perceptions are important to be in touch with, instead of only believing what someone tells us. We have to learn to pay attention to our gut feelings when some one is hurting us. We have to search scripture, pray, have a support group and identify the “fruits” of our relationships.
These are all issues that the Bible deals with directly and tells us how to face as part of our growth process. If you have a pattern of bad relationships, it may not be the fault of the other person but actually a sign of your own spiritual immaturity. As you change, the people around you will adapt and change and you will break free from the pattern of behavior that keeps you in relationships that do not have your best interest.
January 24, 2012
Growth is cultivating Godly Character
Godly character comes from cultivating daily habits like Bible meditation and prayer. The result of those habits is evidence in your character. There are three major reasons why we must learn character. First it reveals the nature of Christ who is the perfect fulfillment of each quality. Second, it is the basis for success in life. Third, it explains why things happen to us (principle of cause and effect). The number seven in the bible refers to spiritual perfection. The following are seven essential Godly character qualities for us to practice:
Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).
Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of we instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own.
Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being that who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. Their actions are fair, sincere, bold, and honest.
Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have.
Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility.
Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures.
Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just: those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding”.
These qualities are like a seed who is the Holy Spirit who lives in us. For these qualities to take root and grow, we must seek God with our heart and mind. We become more like Jesus as we allow grace and truth to affect us. As we become more like Him, our problems and issues become less. God’s ways are contrary to the world’s way so they don’t come natural for us. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1Corinthians 1:18 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27.
Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).
Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of we instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own.
Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being that who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. Their actions are fair, sincere, bold, and honest.
Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have.
Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility.
Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures.
Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just: those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding”.
These qualities are like a seed who is the Holy Spirit who lives in us. For these qualities to take root and grow, we must seek God with our heart and mind. We become more like Jesus as we allow grace and truth to affect us. As we become more like Him, our problems and issues become less. God’s ways are contrary to the world’s way so they don’t come natural for us. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1Corinthians 1:18 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27.
January 22, 2012
Identifying a Shortage of Healthy Relationships
We were created to be in relationship with each other. God created us to hunger and thirst for love. He uses people to comfort us and to help us grow. But when we need to reach out to someone and those relationships are unsafe, we can be in real spiritual and emotional trouble. These unsafe connections can leave us out of control with no “safety net” to catch us. If our levels of safe people are low, then it results in a “safety –deficiency”. You can evaluate your “safety-deficient” demonstrated in these following areas:
Spiritual Life: Often when we felt the closest to God was when we belonged to good and safe people. Many of us have lost intimacy with God because of other believers who have wounded us in his name. Safety-deficits can cut us off from the closeness to God. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems? Do you feel God is the only person who knows you and loves you?
Physical Health: There is a close relationship between our minds and our bodies. Our physical well-being is a good indicator of our emotional and spiritual life. Stress can affect our health adversely including cancer, chronic headaches, back pain, weight issues, life expectancy and others. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your issues? Is it hard to see other people as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
Functioning: Work, activity, fun and recreation are all about functioning. It takes lots of energy to function. When surrounded by the wrong people, our “safety-deficiency” is evident in the following symptoms: lapses in concentration, inability to think creatively, inability to take risks, loss of energy and motivation, and failure to achieve goals. Generally speaking, discipline and organization often helps as a solution to plan our time better and have a “stick to it” attitude. Ultimately we cannot be good finishers when our “relational gas tank” is low. Do your personal connections primarily revolve around activities? Do you find people approach you when they need something from you and less simply to spend quality time?
The quality of our important relationships can help to identify the level of safety we are receiving. The following questions will serve as a guide to determine this: Are you the “giver” in your relationships, or is there a mutual give and take? Are your intimate and vulnerable two-way conversations a rarity? Do your relationships withdraw when you are honest about yourself? Invariably are the relationships you choose letting you down over time? When we are in a safe relationship, we are alive and growing. Take your time and use wisdom to make good choices of whom you will invest yourself and then cultivate those relationships to help each other grow.
Spiritual Life: Often when we felt the closest to God was when we belonged to good and safe people. Many of us have lost intimacy with God because of other believers who have wounded us in his name. Safety-deficits can cut us off from the closeness to God. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems? Do you feel God is the only person who knows you and loves you?
Physical Health: There is a close relationship between our minds and our bodies. Our physical well-being is a good indicator of our emotional and spiritual life. Stress can affect our health adversely including cancer, chronic headaches, back pain, weight issues, life expectancy and others. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your issues? Is it hard to see other people as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
Functioning: Work, activity, fun and recreation are all about functioning. It takes lots of energy to function. When surrounded by the wrong people, our “safety-deficiency” is evident in the following symptoms: lapses in concentration, inability to think creatively, inability to take risks, loss of energy and motivation, and failure to achieve goals. Generally speaking, discipline and organization often helps as a solution to plan our time better and have a “stick to it” attitude. Ultimately we cannot be good finishers when our “relational gas tank” is low. Do your personal connections primarily revolve around activities? Do you find people approach you when they need something from you and less simply to spend quality time?
The quality of our important relationships can help to identify the level of safety we are receiving. The following questions will serve as a guide to determine this: Are you the “giver” in your relationships, or is there a mutual give and take? Are your intimate and vulnerable two-way conversations a rarity? Do your relationships withdraw when you are honest about yourself? Invariably are the relationships you choose letting you down over time? When we are in a safe relationship, we are alive and growing. Take your time and use wisdom to make good choices of whom you will invest yourself and then cultivate those relationships to help each other grow.
January 18, 2012
Interpersonal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships
We are meant to have connection and intimacy with God and with people and if we do not, we experience isolation. Interpersonal traits describe, “How we connect”. These traits are about how people operate in relationships, how they move close or pull away, and how they build up or destroy.
• Unsafe People avoid closeness instead of connecting. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection. People, who are not able to connect, often act out that isolation in addictions, affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidence and trusts.
• Unsafe People are only concerned about “I” instead of “We”. Unsafe people are self-centered. A safe person is relational and has concerns and empathy for others. Empathy involves letting go of your opinion and what you need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person to attempt to understand how they feel, believe and think.
• Unsafe People resist freedom instead of encouraging it. In the “eyes” of unsafe people, you become bad for being separate from them. Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment: when one person is swallowed up into the needs of another.
• Unsafe People flatter us instead of confronting us. An unsafe person can make you feel very good and a safe person can make you feel bad. A safe relationship is not just about trust, support and sharing. They are also about truth, righteousness, and honesty. People who confront us help us to grow and protect us from our self-destruction. Strokers idealize us, and avoid truth by exclusively praising us. As long as you feel good, they’re happy.
• Unsafe People condemn instead of forgiving. A forgiving person is a safe person. They see our wrong, yet love us and accept us anyway. That relational love helps to heal us and transform us into the person God intended.
• Unsafe People stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They don’t agree with our right to our opinion, they do not trust our judgments, and our decisions. Safe people love to see us grow, mature and do not withdrawal from our adultness.
• Unsafe People are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
• Unsafe People are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
• Unsafe People gossip instead of respecting one’s privacy.
Which of these traits have you seen in your self and in your relationships?
• Unsafe People avoid closeness instead of connecting. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection. People, who are not able to connect, often act out that isolation in addictions, affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidence and trusts.
• Unsafe People are only concerned about “I” instead of “We”. Unsafe people are self-centered. A safe person is relational and has concerns and empathy for others. Empathy involves letting go of your opinion and what you need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person to attempt to understand how they feel, believe and think.
• Unsafe People resist freedom instead of encouraging it. In the “eyes” of unsafe people, you become bad for being separate from them. Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment: when one person is swallowed up into the needs of another.
• Unsafe People flatter us instead of confronting us. An unsafe person can make you feel very good and a safe person can make you feel bad. A safe relationship is not just about trust, support and sharing. They are also about truth, righteousness, and honesty. People who confront us help us to grow and protect us from our self-destruction. Strokers idealize us, and avoid truth by exclusively praising us. As long as you feel good, they’re happy.
• Unsafe People condemn instead of forgiving. A forgiving person is a safe person. They see our wrong, yet love us and accept us anyway. That relational love helps to heal us and transform us into the person God intended.
• Unsafe People stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They don’t agree with our right to our opinion, they do not trust our judgments, and our decisions. Safe people love to see us grow, mature and do not withdrawal from our adultness.
• Unsafe People are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
• Unsafe People are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
• Unsafe People gossip instead of respecting one’s privacy.
Which of these traits have you seen in your self and in your relationships?
January 13, 2012
Personal Traits of Unhealthy Relationships
Unsafe people have traits that describe who they are and what makes them unhealthy to other people. These are the “warning signs” of unsafe people. As you develop skills to discern the character of others, you will be able to distinguish the safe from the unsafe.
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses. When someone “has it all together”, that person’s relationships will suffer these predictable results: feeling disconnected, feeling “one down”, feeling dependent on the “stronger one”, feeling anger at the “together one”, and feeling the need to compete to reverse the role.
• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Religious people “follow the rules” and want to look good. Relational people want to know and please God. They are able to understand and accept others and who are honest about themselves.
• Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback. The bible is clear about the need to be able to hear rebuke from others (Matt 18:15). Confrontation helps us to learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
• Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers. They see themselves as somehow “above all that”. This destructive behavior blocks intimacy and sets up comparison, competition, defensiveness and alienation.
• Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior. The truth is, sorry is as sorry does. The Bible calls it “repentance”. To repent is internal desire to change one’s mind, have a thirst for righteousness and be transformed.
• Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They avoid relationship problems directly; they lack empathy and forgiveness, and they blame rather than taking responsibility for their own problems.
• Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
• Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
• Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
• Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
No one is perfect. If a person is willing to change, forgive them and work with them. What areas of your life are you having trouble taking responsibility for?
January 12, 2012
Defining Unhealthy Relationships
The problem isn’t our need for friendship and connection. God created us in His image with a desire for a relationship with Him and others.
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
We all want to have healthy relationships where we can know that the other person genuinely cares about us and isn’t in the relationship to control us or be judgmental.
When someone wounds us, it’s in our second nature to blame the other person instead of taking the responsibility for making the choice to be in relationship where the other person does not have our best interest.
If we have ever been left, used or hurt, we have to ask ourselves: What am I doing wrong?
Unsafe relationships can be broadly defined into three main categories where we can easily spot character and relational issues.
• Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but who cannot finish it. Abandoners destroy trust. Many times abandoners were abandoned themselves. Sometimes, afraid of true closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Those who continually pick abandoners, often times become depressed and develop compulsive behaviors.
• Critics are people who take parental role with everyone they know. Critics are more often concerned with confronting errors than they are with making connections. Critics often deeply love truth and righteousness. Because they are clear thinkers, they can be good people to go to for information. But do not go to them for a relationship, for their truth is often poisoned with judgmentalism. Those who pick critics, find your-self guilt-ridden, compliant and unable to make mistakes without some anxiety.
• Irresponsibles are people who do not take care of themselves or others. They often have issues with delayed gratification, they do not consider the consequences of their actions, and they do not follow through on their commitments. You may be providing a safety net for an irresponsible and paying for his or her problems (making excuses for them, giving them chance after chance, nagging them and resenting them). For every irresponsible, there is an enabler who “protects” him or her.
Sometimes we choose people based on outward appearance, then we experience the inside of them and come up empty handed. In the past, what have you looked at when you’ve entered into a relationship with someone?
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