Consequences help us Grow

We have a natural tendency to think that no one understands the uniqueness of our particular situation. This tendency is based on our bent toward blaming and externalizing our problems, thereby avoiding the hard work of taking ownership and working through them. If we can say no one truly understands my life, it helps us to feel justified to stay out of the growth path.

Consequences are an important tool to get someone to help see his or her inability to change. Allowing people to suffer logical consequences is a way of getting people to realize their need. God uses reality consequences in our lives to get us to see our need for Him and what He has planned for us. Ideally, we can do that when we confront someone so they can deal with the reality. Sometimes people do not want to hear or cannot hear the truth of confrontation and they are unable to grow and remain stuck. At those times we often have to allow reality to touch their lives. Too often in the church, we protect people from the harsh realities of logical consequences that would force them to see their need for grace and what it can provide. Either we feel sorry for them and bail them out, or we fear them and put them on some sort of pedestal. The Bible warns against both; “Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly” (Leviticus 19:15). No matter the person’s struggle, we must help them face the truth and sometimes that means letting them deal with harsh realities and the resulting consequences.  

In the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15) the son asked the father for his share of the estate. The father allowed his son to choose and then to experience the consequences. After receiving his share of the estate, the son set off for a distant country, where he squandered his wealth in wild living. After his money was gone, he was forced to live with and take care of pigs. These consequences of the son’s own choices turned him around, helped him to see the need, and put him in a position where he could receive the things his father had to offer. This shows that that consequences often lead to repentance, is a correcting experience, and therefore a gift of grace.     

We must come to the place where we know we cannot make life work without the help from God and other people. We have to admit that we are failing and stop blaming God and others. Dealing with reality is taking the steps necessary to resolve the underlying issues. Once we get to a humble place, to continue to grow, we must accept that we do not know how to make it better. We need the help from outside ourselves. We have to find out what to do from there. The Bible teaches us many principles of relationship that apply to specific areas in our lives. The Bible is truth and it confronts us at every turn. When we turn a blind eye to truth, we set ourselves up for further pain and consequences but because of God’s design of reaping and sowing - allows us to grow. What reality consequences are you already facing?

Becoming an Adult

In the beginning, God gave authority to Adam. “Whatever the man called each living creature that was its name” (Genesis 2:19). When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit, sin entered into mankind and authority over the world was now under Satan’s control. The perfect life Jesus lived and His finished work on the cross, restored authority back to God. God then turned all authority over to Jesus. 

Adults think things through for themselves. Adults know what they believe. Adults are mature. They know who they are. They like who they are. They are who they are: “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect.” (1 Corinthians 15:10). They do not need permission from some other person how to think, feel, or act. They do not depend on the approval of others. Adults understand what they do, may affect other people. They take ownership of their choices.  Adults are aware of the consequences of their actions. Adults understand they are responsible for submitting to God’s authority and assume accountability when they fail.

Becoming an adult is the process of moving out from a “one-up” or “one-down” perspective and into an equal standing to other adults. Coming out from the un-even and then entering into an equal standing as an adult is the fourth step of the foundational growth, developmental process. Being an adult is being able to exercise the gifts, responsibilities and authority that God has given to each of us.

One-up refers to people who believe they are superior and above other people. They are controlling and domineering people, often telling others what they “should” do. They assume the parent role and disapprove of other people’s opinions or choices. They are legalistic and bound to rules, seeing the world as black and white, right or wrong. They are self-righteous and quick to judge. Judgmental people cannot identify with the sinner. They act like they are perfect and “above” sin. The confession of the sinner puts one in a humble position under God, instead of a proud and arrogant position with people. Avoid people who try to take away your freedom and who want to parent you.

One-down refers to people who believe they are inferior and put others above themselves. They see themselves as unequal because they give away their power. They look for others to make decisions for them. They are people pleasers who need the acceptance and approval of those they idealize in order to feel ok. They might ask “may I say something?” when it is unnecessary to ask permission to speak. The opinion of an “authority” or parent figure carries far too much weight and has taken the role of judge, jury, or parent, for the one-down. This is relating from a child’s position of being under a person, not under God. Paul talked about getting out from under the “approval of men” trap: “We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts” (1 Thessalonians 2:4). Jesus implies that we are doing something wrong if everyone likes us: “Woe to you when all men speak well of you” (Luke 6:26).

Becoming an adult is assuming the authority position in life, an important aspect of reflecting the image of God. Work on assuming adulthood so you can be an authority. Then, go out and give it to others. Withholding authority stunts people’s growth and blocks achievements. People reach their full potential when their authority is matched to their increased responsibility.

Believe it, think it, and say it:

To withstand storms in life, we need to speak to them in the name of Jesus because it is part of a spiritual battle for your soul. We take authority over them by speaking promises and principles from the Word of God. Christ strengthens us because of the life He lived and His finished work on the cross. His sacrifice gave us all authority in heaven and earth that we can proclaim in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Change comes when we take Authority over our lives

Authority has existed from the beginning, with God being the ultimate authority over all. (See Romans 13:1-7). God gave Adam and Eve authority over His creation. “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground” (Genesis 1:26). God gave man freedom to be a real authority over creation, with real responsibility, and real accountability. The one condition to having this elevated position was submission to a higher authority: God. God told Adam and Eve to do all that, which was delegated to them freely, but they were not to partake from “the tree of knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). God warned them not to try and function past their given authority and if they did, they would surely die.

When Adam and Eve violated the authority of God, the consequences were serious. They listened to what the serpent said without questioning and with disastrous results. After the fall, mankind was no longer in a free position to take authority over life. Instead, we became as slaves, with sin having authority over life. The book of Romans is dedicated to the theme of how we lost our freedom and became slaves to sin, and with the gift of grace we are returned to freedom and how we are now, servants of righteousness (Romans 6:16-18).

We feel the effects and consequences when we fail to take authority over our lives. Whatever the area, when you do not take control over what God has given you to do, we fall from the position of authority with serious results. (See Romans 13:1-7). This is not punishment from God but rather is validation of the amount of trust and responsibility He has given to us.

The gift of grace is redemption. Grace reverses the effects of the fall. Redemption offers a return to the freedom and authority we had in the beginning. “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding” (Eph. 1:7-9).

Jesus took back what was lost in the fall by taking authority over sin and death. Jesus then submits all authority back to the Father. (See John 6:6-7).

Jesus gives us authority in His name, to take back what we lost. To regain what was lost, first we submit to authority and learn and practice obedience. Second, we take authority over what is given to us and take back what was lost, so we can turn it back over to Jesus. In the New Testament, Jesus takes authority over situations and asks us to do the same. (See John 14:23-24, 31 & Colossians 1:15-23).

The task of regaining authority over life is directly related to how much we become like Jesus. As God is an authority, we are to be authorities as His image bearers. “Just as you received Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Colossians 2:6). The more that we identify with Jesus, the more we become like Him and the less we fail at taking authority of our lives.  Where do you feel the consequences of being a slave, with sin having authority over you? (See Romans 6:16-18). 

Believe it, think it, and say it: I reject uncertainty and helplessness. I have control over my life by the authority I have in the Kingdom of Heaven. I have control over my life by the choices I make today and I choose life and His blessing. I believe in the promises of the Word and the plans God has for me. No matter how it looks, I believe in the God of turnarounds, and expect them today, in Jesus’ Name!

Godly sorrow helps us Grow

Any aspect of our selves that is disapproved of or attacked in a significant relationship can come under “judgment”, and then guilt attacks that part of the soul from the inside. If a parent, for example, belittles a child’s need for affection, a critical and punishing voice against that part of the child gets internalized. This is partly how our conscience is formed. Then, until the conscience gets modified, the person will feel guilt whenever he or she expresses that aspect of themselves, even if it is a good part. A new conscience has to be internalized and developed in new relationships. People have to learn to express themselves in a new and safe relational setting to get the encouragement and healing that God provides.     

Guilt is self-directed. It focuses on how bad I am, not on what I have done to hurt the other person. If I am feeling guilty, then I am concerned about feeling good again, not about the way I may have hurt someone. Guilt does not keep anyone in check. Those who “push guilt” fear that without guilt, nothing will stop bad behavior and people will do whatever they want. Instead guilt causes people to rebel resulting in an increase of sin. As Paul says, the law causes sin to increase (see Romans 5:20, 7:5). God does not want the believer to feel guilt. Instead, He wants you to see how your behavior affects other people. This is essence of love.

Godly sorrow is “other-directed”. Godly sorrow focuses on the other person. Those who express godly sorrow empathize with how their behavior has affected someone else. This is why the Bible talks about the wrath of God for the nonbeliever who is still truly guilty, contrasted with His being “grieved” when believers sin. There is no mention or room for guilt, wrath, or condemnation for the believer. Instead of our feeling guilty, He wants us to be concerned with how we have hurt Him with our sin. Godly sorrow ends up in repentance. When we realize we are hurting someone we love, we change.

Guilt does nothing to help. “There is therefore now no condemnation”, but there is lots of dysfunction. The verse “no condemnation” comes at the beginning of Romans 8. It annihilates our guilt all together, but the chapter does not go on from there to say we have nothing to worry about. Instead, it says we have to worry a great deal about how we are living and what we are doing, for we are either producing life or death by how we are living our lives. It has nothing to do with guilt, but with what sin does to us:

“Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation – but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a Spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry Abba, Father” (Romans 8:12-15). The Bible shows us not to be afraid of God and out of feeling guilty, and into living the life of spiritual health and growth.

Acceptance helps us Grow

Acceptance is receiving someone into relationship. It applies to all our relationships: with God, others, and ourselves. The Bible teaches that acceptance begins with God: “Accept one another, then just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7). When Adam and Eve sinned and fell from grace, acceptance posed a problem for God. His holy nature could not accept our sinfulness, yet His love kept Him caring about us. So God provided a costly solution: His Son, fully God, fully man, and without sin. Jesus died for us to atone for our sin (see 1Peter 3:18). This sacrifice appeased the requirement of God’s holiness and restored us to acceptance. There is truly now no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus (Romans 8:1).   

Acceptance frees us from the bondages to the law. Acceptance breaks our bondage to the impossible demands of the law. The law has not been done away with rather, in Jesus, it has been fulfilled (see Matthew 5:17). This truth is very important to spiritual growth. We tend to work very hard to make ourselves good enough for God. This is the law working with in us. Acceptance does away with the need to perform and prove ourselves worthy with good works, and replaces it with relationship.   

Acceptance is central to the growth process. Many people are stuck in their spiritual growth because they can’t completely be themselves. Acceptance creates safety to be and experience ourselves. We can be more honest and vulnerable when we have the freedom to be ourselves. We need to experience the good, bad or broken parts of our souls. What is not brought into the light of God’ love and relationship cannot be matured, healed, and integrated into the rest of our character. Relationships in which we are accepted go a long way in helping us grow. The safety of acceptance promotes spiritual growth.     

Acceptance builds trust and relationship. When people are in an accepting environment, they can stop pretending to be someone they are not. They can rest in the relationship. An Old Testament definition of trust is “to be careless”. Acceptance allows us to be careless in how we talk about ourselves. It is freeing to understand that being known for whom you really are doesn’t ruin the relationship but strengthens it. Relationship cannot occur unless both knowledge and love is present.

Acceptance increases initiative and risk in growth. Acceptance starts movement in spiritual growth. In an environment void of criticism and judgment, people are honest and transparent about issues they haven’t felt safe to discuss before. As acceptance increases, so does confession and confession creates intimacy, healing, and growth. As acceptance increases, so does our awareness of other broken parts of ourselves.  Truly healthy people know they have good parts, but they also know their bad parts. They have the acceptance and grace to deal with them in God’s process of growth. How has resisting the acceptance from God and others kept you disconnected from growth?

People help us Grow

God uses people to help us grow. We need others to help support and lift us up during many growth opportunities. People give us validation, encouragement, and help to model for us, the character traits of Jesus. When we support someone, we hold them up. “Carry each other’s burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). The helpful support from others helps us to endure through a host of growth processes including obstacles, issues, discipline, grief, and others.

Modeling the character of Christ: Daily, we face obstacles and tasks that stretch us beyond our abilities and talents. We need people we can relate to. As people are walking and spending time with good and healthy people, they are growing into good and healthy people. We cannot do what we have never seen before. People show us how it is done. We need models to show us how or how not to. We need to see others imitate Christ and model for us His character traits and attitudes. We are to walk as Jesus walked and to follow His example (see 1John 2:6). It’s all about developing His character in us. Character issues such as diligence, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, facing failure, and taking risks are all spiritually developed traits that relate to success in life. These should all be included in our models of spiritual growth.

Issues and addictions: We find victory over some area over our lives as a result of plugging into a small group where we can be open and honest about our issues. Some can control their addictive behaviors, but they ultimately fail because their relational patterns have not changed. Hardly anyone completely recovers from some addiction or compulsive behavior without connection to a support group and support from others. People connected to other people thrive and those not connected wither and die.

Discipline and structure: God gave us people to help us grow in the area of discipline. When people discipline us, it teaches us self-control: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). Our freedom is rooted in righteousness and peace as a result of being trained by discipline. The Bible consistently tells us we get discipline, structure, and correction from other people. Others discipline us and then we can do it for ourselves.

Grief: One of the most important processes in life is grief. Grief is God’s way of getting us through and past hurtful things. To heal and grow, we learn to walk through loss and pain. And we need others to helps us do that. When someone dies or when there is another kind of loss or injury in life, we have to be able to work through the experience and move on, leaving our hearts available for new experiences and relationships. Through loss and suffering we learn about God’s faithfulness and how the love and support of others brings us through it. Healing is part of the grief process, but it is also a different process. Hurts caused from rejection, abuse, and abandonment is pain, deep inside the soul. Loving relationship help us in our healing not just dull the pain.

Everyday living: God created people for connection, not isolation. Begin to see spiritual growth as a total makeover (born again) and growing up again in a second family, the family of God. Take regular steps towards cultivating safe relationships that have your best interest to help you change and grow, and to be more like Jesus.

Growth comes from accepting the good and the not so good

We expect others and the world to be what we want it to be, but the reality is, the world and the people in it are a mixture of both good and bad. We think of ourselves ideally and because of the fear of rejection, we hide or deny who we really are. We see others as ideally and when they disappoint us, we are shocked. We think “I expected you to be this perfect person! How could you disappoint me like this?” When we see the bad parts of self or others as negative, failure, or weakness, we get angry, punish and condemn self or others with guilt and shame. When we do this, we are “splitting” good and bad. Accepting the good and bad co-exist in each of us, is living in reality. Each of us can work towards the goal of accepting the good and bad parts in ourselves and in others, and to have loving correction in our relationships.

Much effort is required for us to grow. Growth does not occur over night and the principle is the same for personal growth. Growth is a process and requires learning new skills and practicing them over time in order to sort out our issues.

To begin, we surrender and confess.  We humble ourselves and we accept the reality of our inability and weakness. We are acknowledging we cannot fix our selves. We are saying to God “Lord, I want YOU to be my source and provider”. As we confess those things we have kept hidden and expose them to the light, God cleanses, heals and transforms us with His grace and truth. We begin to receive acceptance from His love that moves us out of hiding and into healthier relationships. We need the encouragement from others so we can learn to internalize God’s forgiveness and love.

Second we must learn to give and receive grace. We must forgive other people who have sinned against us.  It is difficult for us to forgive because our sinful nature wants to control the outcome. We still want to judge others. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. When we try to hold onto our bitterness, we remain a slave and forever connected to the one who has caused us pain. When we forgive, we free ourselves and the healing process begins.

Third we must bring our negative feelings that are hidden into the light.  Many people hide or deny their negative feelings like sadness, anger, and fear. Sadness is a sign of being hurt and suffering loss. Sadness helps us to let go of the pain. When people deny their sadness, they become unable to love and their hearts become “harden”. Sadness keeps us in touch with our tenderness and sensitivity. Tenderness sensitivity is relational aspects of God’s character. If we can’t feel sad, we become rigid, and coldhearted. When we lose our tenderness and sensitivity, we can no longer feel Godly sorrow and grieve over our own sin. We must protect our sadness to keep our heart healthy.

Anger is our most basic negative emotion. Anger tells us that something is wrong: we have little self-worth because we were treated unfairly or devalued, we were controlled or manipulated, we were not validated or respected, or we sense danger of losing something that matters to us.

Fear is a negative emotion that signals danger. The danger may be real or imaginary, but we must be aware of our fear to work through it. Fear gets us in touch with our vulnerability, inability, and our need for God and others. The Bible tells us to “fear not” because God will protect us. If we are afraid and not trusting in God, we have to depend on our own ability to win in every situation.

Negative feelings are valid, but we must not let our emotions rule over us. Instead we press on toward our goal of restoration and reconciliation. When we deal with the fractured parts of ourselves, we can be renewed, restored, transformed, and made whole.  Begin to see your failures and weaknesses as something to learn from.  

The Holy Spirit helps us Grow

Jesus wants to live in our hearts and minds. The desire we have for Him and the desire to grow comes from His Spirit. If you are moving towards God it’s because He’s moving towards you. God begins a process in us and pushes us towards growth and completion. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6). The Holy Spirit is always going to be there, drawing you closer to God, and to even greater levels of growth. “Victory is not found in the ease of our circumstances nor in the strength of our own resources, but in the presence of the Lord who is in us.”   

The Holy Spirit gives us the security knowing that God is for us, not against us. After bringing us to a relationship with God, He seals the door behind us. Just as Noah sealed the door of the ark to save human existence from the flood, the Holy Spirit seals the door to our hearts, and the relationship with Jesus. “And you were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit” (Ephesians   1:13). Growth begins in a secure relationship and that security comes from the work of the Holy Spirit.

One of the main ministries of the Holy Spirit is to lead us to truth. The Holy Spirit is our counselor, He “partners” with us. He comes along side us and helps us. He is always with us: “Where can I go from your Spirit?” (Psalm 139:7). He searches our hearts and shows us what to change: “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will” (Rom. 8:27). He gives us abilities, wisdom, and what to say: “for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit” (Mark 13:11). He leads us and guides us: “But when He, the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come” (John 16:13). He counsels us and helps us: “but the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26). He will correct us and convict us: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of all things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you” (Phil. 3:15). He enables our God given talents and gifts: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good” (1Cor. 12:7).

The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled. The Bible teaches us we are to do our part by faith and the Spirit will do His part by His power. Think about the Holy Spirit and growth as a moment-by-moment relationship of dependency on Him. Seek Him, ask for Him, and then follow Him. It is not with striving, willpower and strength of our own efforts that produces change. Instead, it is a life of summoning up faith that will be given to us. Each step of growth we take is a step of faith as we encounter a very real God who has given us His Spirit to help us in every situation and in every need.