Anger is a Choice: Why we struggle with Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. God always has purpose in what He designs. Whether it is spouse to spouse, parent to child, sibling to sibling, or friend to friend, the primary function of healthy, loving relationships is to have the other person’s best interest at heart, and to convey honor and respect. Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that defensiveness becomes the norm that makes them vulnerable to anger. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand what causes them.

We overinterpret rejection: A mother is afraid if she is too strong in disciplining her son, he will not like her. She compromises her principles, hoping to have fewer problems. A wife fears if she tells her husband what she really thinks, he will leave her. So she fearfully represses her needs, assuming his rejection would render her helpless. When we overinterpret rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to pounce. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not have to let the rejection from another to be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. When someone attempts to invalidate your feelings you need not enter a power play. You can let allow others their freedom to thinks as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own viewpoint. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than deferring to someone else’s agendas.

We are uncertain of others’ motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

We forgot God is in charge: We can choose to let our emotions be dictated by humans’ opinions or God’s opinion. When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. We can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and all. We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. “In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”(Psalm 56:4). Drawing upon God’s strength requires a God-focus and God centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness.  How would life change if you become less consumed with fears and instead begin to trust in God?

Fear’s effect on Anger

Fear is an emotion brought about by a perceived threat. Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it. In more extreme cases of horror and terror, the response of fear is to freeze. Most of us identify fear in openly or obvious weak characteristics such as shyness, cowering, or intimidation. Fear is the inner insecurity that inhibits us from living in the healthy ways we know we should. Fear is not one-dimensional. It can be expressed with a false sense of courage, excessive talking, workaholism, lying, and others.

Fear causes defensiveness: Fear is revealed in cover-ups and phoniness. It keeps us from being fully honest about who we are, prompting us instead to project false or only partially true images of ourselves. Perhaps the most reliable way to identify fear is by defensiveness. Defensiveness includes any resistance tactic intended to shield ourselves from perceived threats. Defense occurs most commonly in personal relations in the following three categories including denial, evasiveness, and reversal.

Denial is a refusal to acknowledge personal problems or tensions. In most cases denial is subconscious; avoiding issues. When a negative trait such as irritability is exposed, the person immediately excuses it by saying, “I’m normally not this way. I really have an optimistic spirit.” The inherent fear in denial is that our humanness or vulnerability might be discovered and held against us.

Evasiveness is different from denial in that evasiveness is driven by a conscious element of fear, while denial involves subconscious self-deception. Evasiveness is a deliberate deception of others. When we act evasively we are specifically choosing to avoid the responsibility of meeting problems head on. A worker disagrees with his boss’s policy decision. But instead of openly talking about it with the supervisor, he instead complains to others. When we are evasive we may be fearfully wondering, “What if I say the wrong thing? You might not like if I tell you what I really feel. I am inadequately equipped to discuss personal matters.” Evasiveness is a mark of personal insecurity and a lack of trust in others.   

Reversal is more openly combative. It is driven by the idea that the best way to protect yourself is to keep others on the defensive. When we use reversal techniques, we assume others are out to get us, so we become offensive.  When a ten year old girl tells her mom she is hurt because her mother’s harsh words, the mother replies, “Well maybe next time you’ll show more respect and this won’t happen.”

Becoming authentic: The opposite of fear is open authenticity. This means while we are wise enough to balance self-disclosures we are also willing to make ourselves known as common sense allows. Authentic living is without pretense; our external lives are consistent with our internal lives. To be authentic we must like ourselves; who we are. Authenticity will reduce your inclination toward anger. You will be less annoyed at others’ feelings or reactions because you would not be so consumed with keeping your guard up. By letting go of fearful behaviors, when legitimate anger does arise, it is not tainted by excessive insecurities. Defense mechanisms are counter-productive. Which one of these three, denial, evasiveness, or reversal, best describes you?  

How Pride Influences Anger

Pride is the emotion of self-absorption, arrogance and conceit. Whether it’s open aggression or passive aggression your mind is focused on you, your rights, and your preferences only. It is at the core of virtually any unhealthy, nonproductive emotion or behavior. In the context of anger, it plays a very influential role.

Pride is our spiritual disease: To understand the influence pride can have on personality, it is important to recognize how it is intricately linked to our inborn sinfulness. Pride is a spiritual disease that is the manifestation of our innate sinful nature. Therefore, anger can be managed as you come to proper terms with God.

Choosing humility: The trait that keeps us in submission to God is humility. The opposite of pride, it is a lack of self-preoccupation and a willingness to acknowledge personal limits. While denying self may appear to be a weakness, it actually clears the way for unusual strength. Because God’s plan always leads to healthy interaction, we are assured that this submission will bring us more success than failures.

Humility is other-focused: As the emotion of self-preoccupation, pride’s bottom line is, “get my needs met.” Meeting needs can become an all-consuming drive that a person becomes obsessed about how others can and should respond to him or her. The Bible’s instruction for successful relationships is to consider others more important than yourself. We are so naturally selfish we must consciously tune in to others. This requires us to be sensitive to others’ feelings and to recognize that their different perceptions can have validity. This is not natural for us to do, and involves a daily, conscious decision on our part.

Humility accepts limits: Prideful people struggle to maintain balance in their relationships. They are presumptuousness and critical, often expressing their convictions and needs with the assumption that no one could possibly disagree with them. They create turmoil by imposing their will by attempting to push their preferences and ideas on to others. To establish patterns of successful assertiveness, boundaries must be recognized. First, you must establish personal boundaries, including communicating simple needs to standing openly for deep convictions. Second, you must accept others’ differentness. We can stop expecting the world should fit our personal preferences.

Does humility require repressing emotions? If you practice humility as an act of duty only, you would have some success at managing your anger. But then, it wouldn’t really be humility. You’d be living in a subtle form of pride called legalism. Humility is not an obligation or a duty. It is a choice. By accepting our limits and setting aside self-preoccupations, we are not repressing the other emotions. We are putting a higher priority on appropriateness.  Learning to let go of undesirable emotions rather than repressing them is unnatural to many. If you have had a history of abuse or if you are accustomed to being invalidated, you have probably learned the trait of repression. To develop humility without repression will require ongoing self-examination: Do I really mean it when I act kindly? 

Self-Inflicted Anger

Many people will say the reasons behind their anger come from external pressures including spouse, children, parents, job, or other person or situation. Different environments do present difficulties, and sometimes does increase stress, but you still have a free will to manage your adult life and to take personal responsibility for your choices and how those choices ultimately affect you. The following are some of the more common patterns of self-inflicted anger.

Moral decline: Anger is linked to the preservation of personal worth, needs, and convictions. People are looking for affirmation and when found, anger is reduced. But too many people increase their anger by compromising their morals to gain acceptance. In the short term, some satisfaction is felt. But over the long term immorality and emotional turmoil go hand in hand. Moral purity is more than a code of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Morality is a reflection of our respect for others. It illustrates our belief in the dignity of human beings. Immorality gives people a sense of meaninglessness. An immoral lifestyle is one of dissatisfaction and emptiness and that leads to increased frustration and anger.

Work becomes all-encompassing: Work is necessary for personal well-being. Yet as important and fruitful as work can be, it is not life’s ultimate aim. When people are consumed by work and busyness they typically describe themselves as stressed. Overworked, stressful people are angry. Personal needs are left wanting. To remedy the frustrations created by excessive work, don’t go to the other extreme of excessive play. Balance can be found. Primarily this will happen as relationships are nurtured and limits are enforced regarding activities.

Poor health habits develop: There are many unhealthy ways relating to self-inflicted anger. They include overeating, smoking, lack of exercise, not enough sleep, poor hygiene, and substance abuse. Each of these habits contributes to irritability, low self-esteem, added stress, and reduces quality of life. How you care for yourself is your choice. However, anger can be resolved by examining how you contribute to your own unwanted circumstances. People seeking to manage anger properly will logically and correctly conclude that physical health is a powerful element of personal stability.

Material gain is overemphasized: There is nothing wrong with enjoying many of life’s pleasures. Problems arise when material gain is required for happiness. Perhaps the most common form of anger associated with material emphasis is envy, frustration over someone else’s possession of something we want. If we run the race of materialism, we become vulnerable to false superiority. Anger is reduced when we feel loved, respected and understood. These things cannot be bought. 

Spiritual life is ignored: Anger management is ultimately linked to spiritual stability. When spiritual vitality is absent, personal stability is no longer a matter of inner strength.  Daily problems become overwhelming when we do not have a on-going relationship with God. Being a peace with God empowers us to confidently combat worldly imperfections that would otherwise increase irritability and anger. 

Myths that perpetuate Anger

Mythical thinking involves accepting hurtful past experiences as absolute truth when it is not. Some myths are stretched to such an extreme, they lack logic and keep us from applying good clear choices of how to best deal with anger issues. To manage anger successfully, we must eliminate false beliefs that continue the cycle. The following are six common myths held by angry people. 

Myth1. My history of rejection leaves me emotionally depleted: Some people believe they are forever jinxed if they have felt rejected several times. They are not prepared emotionally that many people may not accept them at all. So when rejection continues, hope fades while anger builds. 

Myth2. God should have stopped my problems: Anger is usually a by-product of some form of suffering. When we attempt to find the root of that suffering, we often blame God. Although it is easy to assume God doesn’t care when problems arise, the Bible tells us that all things are work together for good for those who trust in God.

Myth3. Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat: Angry people feel like victims because of wrongs they have endured. Some wrongs are underserved and other perceived wrongs are brought on by poor choices. Either way, victimization causes angry people to conclude that forgiveness is unreasonable.

Myth4. No one understands my unique problems: Because we thrive on relational wholeness, a life without anyone to share a burden with can be devoid of purpose. Instead of focusing on the differences between your circumstances and other people’s, we can come to see that everyone knows disappointment in some form or another.

Myth5. I don’t deserve to be happy: Sometimes we allow ourselves to be weighed down by the issues of others but we do not need to take responsibility for their problems. Instead we can view our efforts at managing our anger, as a responsible contribution to the well-being of those who play important roles in our lives. 

Myth6. There is nothing to look forward to anymore: When people have a pattern of irritability, it is easy for them to conclude that their future will be no different. Angry people can be so tied to their angry pattern they falsely conclude that attempts to change would be pointless.

Anchor yourself in Truth: Past frustrations can lead to false assumptions. With an increase in one’s current perception, you can learn to interpret your world very differently. By learning to challenge negative generalizations, we can replace myths with truth. Old thinking habits can be adjusted. The Bible says “to be transformed by the renewing of our minds” (Romans 12:2). Transformation means we do not have to be held captive to these myths. We can be set free from the anger that results from destructive ways of thinking. Begin to substituting myths with God’s truth.

Discussion question: Which one of these myths do most identify with, and why?