The Many Faces of Anger

Anger is one of the most energy draining emotions we wrestle with. It can take over us before we fully realize it. Anger has many faces. Sometimes it’s just an irritation, or things get said we wish later, we hadn’t said. Sometimes anger comes out with such force that it results in hostile actions. The issue is in how we handle anger.

·         Three Harmful Ways of Managing Anger: Suppressing Anger is denial. People who suppress their emotions never want to appear weak or inferior, so they stubbornly maintain an outer front of having it all together. Open Aggression is exploding.  A major reason is too much emotional energy is spent on trivial matters that simply won’t go away. Another reason is personal insecurity. They are so needy in wanting respect they take this normal desire too far. Passive Aggression is caused by a need to have control and is engaged in a battle of superiority, but done in a quiet manner. By contrast, the following are two healthy choices of managing anger:

·         Assertive Anger: If anger is defined as preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions, then assertive anger means preservation is accomplished while considering the needs and feelings of others. This form of anger can actually help relationships grow. It represents a mark of personal maturity and stability. True assertive is not abrasive, nor is it meant to harm. The Bible gives a green light to assertiveness by telling us “Be angry, and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). This means there can be times when it is healthy to address concerns about personal worth, needs, and convictions, but is should be done in a manner that keeps the door open for ongoing love.  

As you communicate your needs and convictions, what will you need to do to ensure that your behavior is assertive rather than aggressive?

·         Dropping Anger:  There are times when you can have appropriate convictions to communicate yet, assertiveness may not work. Or it could be you have succeeded in making as many adjustments as possible in your world, yet imperfections continue to haunt you. At this point, it is best to drop your anger. Dropping your anger means you accept your inability to completely control circumstances and you realize your personal limits. This includes tolerance of differences as well as choosing to forgive. If you are resentful of the way someone has treated you, if you are holding it against that person, hoping you can retaliate or get back, you need to ask God to free you from that bondage. Bondage means you have given your freedom over to another person. Begin by asking God forgiveness for excusing and cultivating that deep root of bitterness within your heart and be free from bondage. 

The Spirit of God empowers the Christian believer to overcome the worse conditions in life: “you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you” (Acts 1:8).  Respond to the following statement: The thing that would help me most in dropping my anger would be (for instance, accepting the truth that others will be imperfect). 

Why do we get Angry?

The Bible teaches the two greatest commandments are to love God and to love one another. Therefore loving people is the most important thing in life after putting God first. But loving people isn’t always easy because people sometimes aren’t that loveable and they don’t always love us the way we would like them to. The way we feel at any given moment, is often the result, from our perception of our feeling loved or unloved. Anger is common to every person, found in all personality types. Anger is a general term to describe several emotional expressions including frustration, irritability, annoyance, and blowing off steam. Anger is defined as intent to preserve and protect personal worth, essential needs, and basic convictions.

·         Preserving personal worth: When we feel unloved we get angry. The angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned from having been ignored, denied, offended, mistreated, wronged, or controlled. The common message perceived is a lack of respect. Anger is better managed when we can begin to accept God’s grace and truth that produces in us a God given identity, His character, purpose, and eternal value. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1John 3:10).

·         Preserving essential needs: Everyone needs love, encouragement, and respect. These needs must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being. We feel confused, hurt, and angry when our essential needs are not validated. Anger is better managed when we find balance in contentment and thankfulness. “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land, and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail” (Isaiah 58:11).   

·         Preserving basic convictions: Anger can be incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger may be associated with legitimate concerns, but managed irresponsibly. There is a fine line between knowing when to stand up firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in the world. When anger becomes so much part of your identity that you lose your capacity to find peace, your convictions begin to work against you. Anger is better managed when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner. A person who is growing and maturing need to have a firm foundation of beliefs to guide their lives, yet also need to know how to remain composed when others do not share the same beliefs. “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman, has fulfilled the law” (Romans 13:8).

Anger is only one letter away from danger. Our anger can get the better of us when we are not validated or taken seriously. It is dangerous when we rely solely on the opinions of other’s for our emotional well-being. Where do you get your self-worth from? 

Being Accountable for Change and Growth

There are three elements for anger management to come full circle. First, you must identify the anger in its many forms. Second, examine the factors causing the anger to remain. Third, apply insights to change and growth to everyday living. Be accountable to others by taking ownership and responsibility for own relational and spiritual growth. Growth comes when involve yourself in the following healthy, relational practices. 

·         Become more relational: Misused anger creates an emotional atmosphere of rejection, expecting the worst, and self-centeredness, ultimately leaving everyone involved dissatisfied. Instead, create goals that will reflect a change of heart. Be known as someone who finds the good in others. Be courteous to others even when problems are not completely resolved. Choose to accept the imperfections of others, just as you want others to accept your imperfections.

·         Make amends: An inevitable by-product of misguided anger is damaged relationships. It is not enough for us to resolve to move forward with a new perspective on managing anger. To truly find balance we must be willing to make amends with those who been hurt by our past behavior and attitudes such as asking the one whom you offended to forgive you for specific wrongs. While there are no guarantees that we can tie down all loose ends involving the past, we can ensure a better outcome when we are willing to take the lead in our commitments to emotional healthiness.

·         Positive communication: Ongoing anger inhibits positive traits. Rather than being friendly or encouraging, anger can cause us to be cynical, critical, or withdrawn. Instead, be a better listener. Initiate friendly and sincere exchange in respectful conversation. Show some enthusiasm towards the interests of others. Be more flexible and less rigid in your daily interactions. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner.

·         Be open and real: For change to be effective, you need to be open and real about your changes with people who know you well. It is one thing to decide quietly that you will handle your anger more appropriately, but you will be more powerfully motivated to maintain your adjustments when you openly describe what will be different. As we share our needs and plans, we create the very atmosphere of growth and encouragement that will prompt ongoing emotional healthiness.

The true test of anger management is revealed in who you become after you have chosen to manage your anger differently. Part of that process is being accountable for your choices and behavior. You can do that by sharing your needs and weaknesses with a trusted friend or growth group. The Bible instructs us to “confess your sins with one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). How will sharing your anger management efforts help you and others? 

Why Anger Remains

Gaining new insights is important. Applying teaching and instruction to your life is also necessary to change and grow. Examine the following destructive patterns of thinking, and behaviors that are preventing you from overcoming anger that lingers:

·         Rationalizations: Facing reality is difficult. You may really want to change but resist the idea of hard work. It requires persistent effort and willingness to restructure the thoughts and perceptions that guide and direct each of us. Instead of admitting that we have chosen to react in anger, we would rather believe, “My anger is in me because of someone else’s problems.”   

·         A painful past: Most people with long-standing anger problems have a history full of emotional pain. To get beyond a painful past, we must humbly admit our inability to control others. This requires us to accept a difficult notion: pain is inevitable, cannot be fully controlled or eliminated, and sometimes is almost unbearable. You cannot control the past, but you can choose a new direction for yourself. “Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul” (Psalm 86:3-4). 

·         Unforgiveness: We cling to anger because forgiveness seems to let others off the hook too easily. Certainly the person being forgiven can choose to feel a sense of relief and can decide to mend his or her erroneous ways. However, there is no guarantee this will always occur, but we are still potentially assisting others in their spiritual growth when we choose to forgive. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). An ever higher motive to forgive is that it pleases God when we yield to His guidance. Forgiveness honors Him.

·         It isn’t fair: You ask for more trouble when you require fairness as a prerequisite for anger management. You may really want to resolve the problem, but in light of the other person’s stubborn ignorance you stay stuck in your anger, waiting for him or her to make the right move. You can move forward, but to do so, you’ll have to drop the idea that things must be fair. The Bible gives us this promise: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed” (Proverbs 16:3).

·         Anger becomes a habit: Just as we can become addicted to alcohol, food, or materialism, we can also become addicted to anger. Anger can become a core element to identity. It becomes such a familiar habit some people wouldn’t know how to think or act without it. To reduce anger, take responsibility by allowing God to guide your emotions and take personal accountability for your own choices. “Listen, my son, and we wise, and keep your heart on the right path” (Proverbs 23:19).

To overcome anger, avoid the temptation to rationalize your anger. Instead, assume full responsibility for who you are. Make healthy choices for your behavior, despite people, places, and things of the past or the present. Let go of any excuses that keep you tied to unhealthy anger. What patterns of distorted thinking and destructive behaviors are you still seeing in yourself? How can you replace a bad habit with a good habit?