Excessive Control causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we grow, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within our relationships. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. The following three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers:

1.    Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think and feel are at the core of who we are. Anger comes when we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance, and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

2.    Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then pressured to conform to the other person’s way of thinking.

3.    Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, but to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been taken away.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed, and when acceptance comes only when we give into the demands of the other person. 

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Acknowledge freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it. “It is freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

Stand firm: It is only when we trust in God that we will be able to find the strength and stability to make it through life’s storms and struggles. “May the Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17). What steps are you taking towards giving God the things you cannot control?