Anger is a choice: Why can’t you just love me?

When we feel consistently loved our emotions show it through our stability. The more we struggle with anger, the more it indicates that our need for love was not met. Through anger we cry the unspoken question, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Feeling unloved breed’s extreme dependency: Dependency is normal part of human development. Throughout the many growth stages, we want to be accepted by our peers and to be part of community. It is the glue that holds relationships together. Extreme dependency is what we want to avoid: you cannot be emotional secure until you receive the reinforcement you deeply crave from others. All humans share the trait of dependency that becomes extreme when love needs go unmet. Extreme dependency allows inner thoughts and emotions to be dictated by external circumstances. When our needs for love are balanced, we are less dependent, but when our love needs are not met, our dependencies increase, making us more vulnerable to anger.

Developing Spiritual well-being: When your dependency on humans is exchanged for a dependency on strength from God, you begin to learn what it means to have a deeply rooted sense of spiritual well-being. Our dependency for love can be met by accepting God’s great declaration of our worth. We find it only as we appeal to God for the transforming work of His Holy Spirit and pray for His intervention. Balancing your dependencies can be achieved in part by the following four ways: (1) Acknowledge the unreliability of other people. This encourages us to accept the reality of the sinful nature in us all. (2) Spiritual well-being occurs as we acknowledge our own inability to solve all our own problems. We simply do not have what it takes to find His peace. As we admit our weaknesses we take a step toward personal stability. (3) Yield your self-will to the will of Christ and summit your life to His ways. You will no longer be bound by the opinions of others, and your success is inevitable.  (4) Spiritual well-being comes by choosing to endorse the healthy characteristics prescribed in God’s Word by setting boundaries and acting assertively when necessary. Knowing you can draw upon spiritual strength, you can choose not to let your anger be at the mercy of your environment. Don’t let your mood be dependent on the feelings and actions of others.

Developing a contemplative mind: The first step toward a balanced dependency is developing spiritual well-being. To make this trait a powerful reality is the awareness of why you need spiritual well-being. When we contemplate the meanings of our behavior, godly traits become purposeful rather than performance driven. We are not just going through the motions, but acting out well-conceived convictions. Contemplative thinking leads to this conclusion: In the Lord I have competence. I do not have to be pulled down by others’ behavior. The extreme dependency mind says: I worry about how others treat me. I’ve got to have steady surroundings so I can be stable. The contemplative mind says: I can manage just fine even when others don’t think as I do. I can learn how to remain steady even in the midst of unrest.