Feeling controlled causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we mature, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within family, marriage, friendship, workplace, and church. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands by people or institutions. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. Excessive controlling behavior is shown in a variety of ways, often seen aggressively as bossy, critical, stubborn, strongly opinionated, and argumentative. Control can also be recognized in a more passive aggressive way through unavailability, silence, apathy, fretting, and ultra-sensitivity. Three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers when: (1) performance takes priority over relationships, (2) difference is threatening, (3) obligation is taught as being mandatory rather than a choice.

Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think, feel, and what we perceive are at the core of our identities and who we are. Anger comes when performance or actions, are the focus, rather than our feelings or perceptions.

Usually we feel empty because we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener.  When this becomes a pattern and chronically repeated, we feel disrespected. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then conform to the other person’s way of thinking. Harmony is found when we blend our God given uniqueness in complementary ways.

Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been eliminated.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed and when acceptance comes only when conformity is mandatory.  

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. We often accept that invitation by engaging in our own brand of control. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance.

Acknowledging freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it.

How can you begin to relate to another person’s control with a mindset of freedom?