Managing a Child’s Anger

Ideally, managing your anger is learned during childhood and improved throughout the growing stages of life. Sadly, many adults were not properly guided in using healthy anger during their own childhoods. Their bad habits were then passed on to the next generation, continuing until someone steps forward to break the cycle. The following are six keys to handling a child’s anger:

Don’t be threatened by your child’s anger: When we respond in fear to a child’s anger, we communicate, “You are a very powerful force in my life and I have to overwhelm you to teach you anything.” If you easily caught in power plays or if you often speak intensely to your child, you may be exhibiting unresolved fears that are manifested as defensiveness and reveal how threatened you are. Instead, quietly hold firm to your rightful authority. Be fair and don’t attempt to oversell your position.   

Let choices and consequences shape the child: When a child is rude or disruptive, most adults want their child to stop the behavior. Often, they tell the child how to think by giving lectures and follow up with threats. The child’s anger increases because the adult is not letting the child make choices. Instead, encourage your child to take greater responsibility for his or her anger. Ask them what options they have to manage their frustration. Keep putting it back onto them to make a choice that makes the most sense. Teach them that some choices have unfavorable consequences. They will soon learn to pick a different option with a more positive outcome.

Don’t preach: Our greatest impact on our children is not in the words we speak but in the way we deliver those words. When we speak too strongly it implies disrespect, lack of trust, and personal insecurity. Instead, keep an even tone. You are showing your children how to disagree without being disagreeable and that differentness does not have to result in conflict.

Don’t major in the minors: Too often we expend excessive energy on issues of little significance, increasing the atmosphere of unnecessary anger. When a seven-year-old spills a drink on the kitchen floor the parent complains repeatedly about the child’s clumsiness, warning it cannot be tolerated. When we respond this way, the important matters of relationship including respect, encouragement, and empathy, take a back seat to perfectionism, selfishness, impatience, and petty preferences. Learn to choose your battles, let minor issues remain minor, and your child’s anger will be minimized.

Share your own experiences: When parents refuse to be vulnerable with their children, they create an atmosphere of phoniness and false superiority, and the child resents it. Instead, be real and authentic so communication is increased. You will become more believable and therefore, more approachable. This removes the pressure for them to be perfect, and anger is reduced.

Incorporate spiritual insights delicately: Anger management is ultimately a function of spiritual maturity. Children need guidance to incorporate biblical truths into their daily lives. Learn to communicate in deeper ways. Take common situations and ask them to apply spiritual values to those situations. Encourage a thirst for knowledge about biblical truths and your child’s beliefs will be less legalistic and more personally meaningful.