The Fuel of Fear

Relationships were designed by God to be safe. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Unfortunately, many relationships do not remotely resemble God’s purpose and will. Relationships become so strained that the fear of interaction and the resulting conflicts becomes the norm. Fearful tendencies are usually learned from childhood or current experiences often with the most significant people in our lives. To set fears aside it is necessary to understand two common ways that causes them:

·         We assume too much: When we attach too much importance to perceived or real rejections, we are letting others have too much power and we are communicating “I can’t trust myself.” That lack of self-trust is noticed by others, giving them “permission” to enter a power play. You do not have to let the rejections from other people be the final word. True assertiveness is anchored in the confidence that you are a legitimate person with legitimate needs. You can state your preferences without having to give several justifications for them. You can allow others their freedom to think as they decide for themselves as you confidently hold to your own opinions and beliefs. Fear is reduced when you hold firmly to your inner convictions rather than putting off what is important to you.

·         The uncertainty of other people’s motives: Some people live with fear because experience has taught them that other people are capable of deception, patronizing, and selfishness. People often have hidden agendas and don’t really care about the needs of others. What you thought was a successful relationship turned out to be a major disappointment. A loving and healthy relationship creates security. It is built upon trustworthiness, acceptance, and servitude. “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever” (Psalm 52:8). When this ideal is met, fear is insignificant. Openness and vulnerability are not only low risk factors, they are natural.

The antidote to fear: When we allow our emotions to hinge on the opinions of others, we are fearful. A human-based self-image is only as secure as the humans we entrust with our emotions. Unfortunately, we can never be sure when we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. A God-based self-image is different because God accepts us, imperfections, weaknesses and we no longer have to live with guilt and shame. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2). We can live confidently in the knowledge that He can guide us through all relational or circumstantial pitfalls. Drawing upon God’s strength requires God-focus and God-centeredness, rather than a human-focus and self-centeredness. 

God has given you a self-image based on His righteousness. He wants you to feel loved, accepted, and forgiven. What hurts from your past are you holding onto that keep you in bondage of fear and rejection?