Feeling controlled causes Anger

Control is not always bad. We need organization and structure to properly function in our lives. As we mature, we learn the value of cooperation and compromises within family, marriage, friendship, workplace, and church. But sometimes that cooperation is replaced by unreasonable demands by people or institutions. These demands can cause us to feel controlled, and that leads to anger. Excessive controlling behavior is shown in a variety of ways, often seen aggressively as bossy, critical, stubborn, strongly opinionated, and argumentative. Control can also be recognized in a more passive aggressive way through unavailability, silence, apathy, fretting, and ultra-sensitivity. Three factors stand out in people who are excessive controllers when: (1) performance takes priority over relationships, (2) difference is threatening, (3) obligation is taught as being mandatory rather than a choice.

Performance over relationships: Performance is important, but how we think, feel, and what we perceive are at the core of our identities and who we are. Anger comes when performance or actions, are the focus, rather than our feelings or perceptions.

Usually we feel empty because we receive unsolicited advice instead of a sympathetic listener.  When this becomes a pattern and chronically repeated, we feel disrespected. Relating in love is when relationship takes priority over performance and personal, intimate matters become the focus.

Differentness is threatening: Most people enjoy new and unique experiences and they consider themselves open-minded enough to allow others to be different. On the other hand, most people want emotional and relational issues to be predictable and familiar. Anger comes when we are told not to be different, and then conform to the other person’s way of thinking. Harmony is found when we blend our God given uniqueness in complementary ways.

Obligation is perceived as mandatory: While accomplishing tasks is important, to some, obligation is all that really matters. There is a resistance to control because people feel the other person doesn’t care and that their choices have been eliminated.  Anger and frustration comes when the relationship is by-passed and when acceptance comes only when conformity is mandatory.  

Responding to other’s control: Control is an invitation to a power play. We often accept that invitation by engaging in our own brand of control. When someone is being unfair, we consider it our responsibility to correct the unfairness. Or, we can be very uncooperative when treated unfavorably. When we resolve not to respond to a wrong with a wrong, we exercise personal responsibility. We also show ourselves to be less dependent on human input and more dependent on God’s guidance.

Acknowledging freedom: Freedom is part of God’s plan of who we are. While we cannot fully stop other people from attempting to control us, we can learn that we are free to disagree and sidestep their demands. Make the most responsible choices of how to respond with assertiveness or dropping it.

How can you begin to relate to another person’s control with a mindset of freedom? 

Anger is a choice: Why can’t you just love me?

When we feel consistently loved our emotions show it through our stability. The more we struggle with anger, the more it indicates that our need for love was not met. Through anger we cry the unspoken question, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Feeling unloved breed’s extreme dependency: Dependency is normal part of human development. Throughout the many growth stages, we want to be accepted by our peers and to be part of community. It is the glue that holds relationships together. Extreme dependency is what we want to avoid: you cannot be emotional secure until you receive the reinforcement you deeply crave from others. All humans share the trait of dependency that becomes extreme when love needs go unmet. Extreme dependency allows inner thoughts and emotions to be dictated by external circumstances. When our needs for love are balanced, we are less dependent, but when our love needs are not met, our dependencies increase, making us more vulnerable to anger.

Developing Spiritual well-being: When your dependency on humans is exchanged for a dependency on strength from God, you begin to learn what it means to have a deeply rooted sense of spiritual well-being. Our dependency for love can be met by accepting God’s great declaration of our worth. We find it only as we appeal to God for the transforming work of His Holy Spirit and pray for His intervention. Balancing your dependencies can be achieved in part by the following four ways: (1) Acknowledge the unreliability of other people. This encourages us to accept the reality of the sinful nature in us all. (2) Spiritual well-being occurs as we acknowledge our own inability to solve all our own problems. We simply do not have what it takes to find His peace. As we admit our weaknesses we take a step toward personal stability. (3) Yield your self-will to the will of Christ and summit your life to His ways. You will no longer be bound by the opinions of others, and your success is inevitable.  (4) Spiritual well-being comes by choosing to endorse the healthy characteristics prescribed in God’s Word by setting boundaries and acting assertively when necessary. Knowing you can draw upon spiritual strength, you can choose not to let your anger be at the mercy of your environment. Don’t let your mood be dependent on the feelings and actions of others.

Developing a contemplative mind: The first step toward a balanced dependency is developing spiritual well-being. To make this trait a powerful reality is the awareness of why you need spiritual well-being. When we contemplate the meanings of our behavior, godly traits become purposeful rather than performance driven. We are not just going through the motions, but acting out well-conceived convictions. Contemplative thinking leads to this conclusion: In the Lord I have competence. I do not have to be pulled down by others’ behavior. The extreme dependency mind says: I worry about how others treat me. I’ve got to have steady surroundings so I can be stable. The contemplative mind says: I can manage just fine even when others don’t think as I do. I can learn how to remain steady even in the midst of unrest.  

Managing your Anger

Our challenge is in how we manage our anger. Three unhealthy choices of dealing with anger include Suppressing Anger, Open Aggression, and Passive Aggression. By contrast, there are two healthy choices of managing anger. Assertive Anger involves stating our needs and feelings in a manner that still show respect for another. Dropping Anger includes adjusting yourself to reality and forgiveness.

Suppressing Anger: Many people don’t admit their anger so they deny it. This is a type of emotional dishonesty and phoniness. They are concerned more with their lofty image than their relationships. They never want to appear weak or inferior, so they stubbornly maintain an outer front of having it all together. Other people who suppress anger have recognized that rageful anger has no place in a healthy personality, so they believe all anger is wrong. Anger is painful and it does destroy relationships so it is easy to conclude, “If this is what anger leads to, I want nothing to do with it,” so they suppress it.

Open Aggression: Open Aggression can easily be identified because it does not hide in the same way as Suppressing Anger does. This includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blame, bickering, criticism, griping, and sarcasm. There is a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs, there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others with high odds of foul play. A major reason for OA is majoring in the minors: too much emotional energy is spent on trivial matters that simply won’t go away. Emotionally balanced people accept imperfections and acknowledge their limits to force people in a mold. Another reason for OA is personal insecurity. They are so needy in wanting respect they take this normal desire too far. Their emotional stability hangs by a thread, with extreme dependency of the unbending cooperation of others.

Passive Aggression: Like OA, anger expressed through PA involves preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions at someone else’s expense. But it differs in that it is accomplished in a quiet manner. Also like OA, PA is caused by a need to have control and is engaged in a battle of superiority. These people have realized that too much honesty about personal differences lessons his or her ability to maintain an upper hand. Many of these people already have a habit of Suppressing Anger.

Assertive Anger: If you feel disrespected and do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour, bitter, and your contribution to relationships will be negative. Two key reminders will help as you learn to communication assertively: (1) Choose issues that are worthy of your emotional energy. (2)Be aware of how your tone of voice can create an atmosphere of respect for others. Your goal is to communicate your emotions in a constructive fashion while maintaining respect for the other party.

Dropping Anger: This option includes tolerance of differences, as well as choosing to forgive. That means you let go, and accept your inability to completely control circumstances. Dropping Anger does not hinge on someone else’s decisions. While a spirit of teamwork can be most beneficial to anger reduction, it is not a must.

Discussion questions: How can you be honest with someone while still respecting them? What are some situations in your life in which you could drop your anger?

What is Anger?

All is well when we feel understood, supported, accepted, and connected. On the other hand, anger is ignited from the hurtful words and actions of another. Anger is a general term to describe several emotional expressions including frustration, irritability, annoyance, and blowing off steam. Anger is defined as intent to (1) preserve personal worth, (2) preserve essential needs, and to (3) preserve basic convictions.

Preserving personal worth: Anger is common to every person, found in all personality types. We are guaranteed to encounter this negative emotion because we are imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. Anger comes when you feel the need to clearly communicate that your personal boundaries have been violated. Purposely intended by the speaker to cause harm or not, the angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned from having been ignored, denied, offended, mistreated, wronged, or controlled. Perceptions are more powerful than intentions. The common message perceived is a lack of respect. Hurtful people offer judgmental evaluations and critical opinions. Anger is a choice when we can begin to accept God’s grace and truth that produces in us a God given identity, His character, purpose, and eternal value.

Preserving essential needs: Everyone needs love, encouragement, and respect. Essential needs are common to us all. These needs must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being. We feel confused, hurt, and angry when our essential needs are not addressed or validated. The essential needs you have will not always be the same as the essential needs of others. Each of us has a different temperament with different motives and desires. No two people have the same identical background or experiences, so each of us have unique issues of importance. It is normal to expect some of your essential needs to be met. On the other hand, anger can be misguided or overstated because of a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Anger is a choice when we find balance in contentment and thankfulness. Not all of our essential needs have been neglected. For example, we can be thankful for what we do have, including friends and family, good health, a place to live, and food to eat.

Preserving basic convictions: Anger can be incorrectly associated with trivial matters. There are times when anger may be associated with legitimate concerns, but managed irresponsibly. There is a fine line between knowing when to stand up firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in the world. When anger becomes so much part of your identity that you lose your capacity to find peace, your convictions begin to work against you. Balance is found when reasonable issues are communicated in a proper and respectful manner. A person who is growing and maturing need to have a firm foundation of beliefs to guide their lives, yet also need to know how to remain composed when others do not share the same beliefs.

Discussion questions: Where do you get your self-worth from? Is there unmet needs in your life currently and how are you handling it? Can you think of a situation where your anger was the result of a too strongly held conviction?

The Certainty of God’s Promise

“When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore himself saying “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all arguments. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the HOPE offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek” Hebrews 6:13-20.

HOPE is a healthy attitude. HOPE Anchors the Soul. Anticipating good brings comfort to the mind and heart. In contrast, a state of hopelessness is a terrible condition to be in. It's overwhelming and depressing to think that what you're facing cannot be changed or fixed. For the person who has lost all hope, life looks like a long dark tunnel going nowhere. Proverbs tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). Emotional, physical, and even mental illness haunt a person who feels trapped in a grim situation. With God, no situation is hopeless. In Him, we have the promise: "Desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Believers have a HOPE that anchors the soul. An anchor was a popular image in the ancient Mediterranean world. In an economy that depended on shipping, the anchor symbolized safety and steadiness. The writer of Hebrews used the word to remind believers that God has given a HOPE that holds firm in any storm. Relationship with Jesus brings us to the throne of heaven, where we can cast all our burdens before God. He pulls us toward Himself! He says, “Come. Find the rest that you need, the relief from the burdens and from doubt.” He provides strength for weary bodies, peace for anxious minds, and comfort for grieving hearts. He provides light where there is darkness that guides us through trying and difficult situations. Life with God is our HOPE.

A Living HOPE

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time” 1Peter 1:3-5.

As Believers, we are born into A Living HOPE. Believers anchor their HOPE in Jesus Chris. The promises of the Bible and the words of Jesus are always true and always lead to lasting fulfillment: “The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord: He is their stronghold in times of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in Him” (Psalm 37:39-40).

Those who do not put Jesus at the center of their lives have no foundation for their desires and live with a false sense of security. They pursue wealth, materialism, and other worldly success rather than God and find that their dreams go unfulfilled, fail to satisfy, and lead to ruin: “Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous” (Psalm 36:16-17).

The Lord does not disappoint those who seek His will. At times we might feel temporarily let down when something we wanted was not in God's plan. While one door may close, there is always another about to open with something better behind it. We can be sure He never goes back on His promises to give His children the very best: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go” (Isaiah 48:17). The best choice you can make is to fix your HOPE in the Lord. HOPE in the Lord never fails. Your circumstances may change, but Jesus never does. He is A Living HOPE who never disappoints.

Seeking Guidance to Grow

By forsaking the worldly way, believers have chosen a narrow path (Matt. 7:13). However, we’re not wandering blindly on it. The Holy Spirit is our guide. He directs our steps toward new opportunities and offers discernment so we can make wise decisions that keep us on course for God’s will (1 John 1:8-10). It is the nature of this journey that we have to stop often and seek guidance. God is pleased to respond to earnest requests for direction, as He wants to keep His followers in the center of His will. Many Christians wonder how to pursue divine guidance.

Seeking God’s guidance and direction involves a pattern that begins with cleansing. In other words, the first place to look is at yourself. Ask, “Father, do you see anything in my life that might interfere with my understanding what you are saying?” Sin shuts down the guidance process: it strangles the power flowing from the Holy Spirit and thereby clouds our judgment (1 Thess. 5:19). First John 1:9 tells us that God cleanses unrighteousness when we confess our sins. The Bible also contains a clear warning for those who refuse to relinquish a rebellious habit or attitude and the Lord does not hear their cries (Ps. 66:18). As He brings to mind problem areas, lay them before the cross.

Cleansing is a continual process while receiving guidance from God. The Holy Spirit brings sin to our attention as we’re equipped to deal with it. So on the way to receiving His clear direction, we may revisit this step often and in that way can experience a time of rich spiritual growth and renewal. Doing things God’s way isn’t always easy; but it’s always worth it.

How to Hear from God

“Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him” (Psalm 25:12). Sometimes it can seem as if God withholds direction from us when we are trying to know His will. But that’s not the way God operates. He wants those who believe and trust in Him to have clear direction. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1Corinthians 1:18). The following steps help us to hear His voice and know His will.

Clear the path: Our own sin and what it is that we want are the two main obstacles that hinder judgment. To receive clear guidance from God, we must repent of all known sin and make our desires second to His. “Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain” (1Corinthians 15:58).

Be patient and wait: It takes a great deal of strength, contentment and patience to stand, be still, and wait upon the Lord. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14). If you rush ahead of God, you may miss His best: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him (James 1:12).

Persist in prayer: The Bible tells us to keep coming to the Lord with our requests and concerns. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). As we continue to pray, He will gradually eliminate anything confusing and unnecessary until we come fully into alignment with His will. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever (Psalm 30:11).

Meditate on the Word: The Bible has an answer for every need, and the Holy Spirit knows just how to point us in the right direction: “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you the manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:3). So often when we’re faced with a difficult decision, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. Don’t let the urgency of your need keep you from enjoying the intimacy of His presence as you seek His will.

A Heart for God

“Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers (Psalm 1:1-3). The Psalms record David's desire to know God and be known by Him. He sought the Lord's guidance through prayer and had a heart for Him.

David made God his priority: King David made several big mistakes in his life. Yet he was called a man after God's own heart and was mightily used by the Lord to lead the people of Israel. What made him different was the priority he placed on his relationship with our heavenly Father. David delighted in knowing God and sought Him with deep sincerity and seriousness. David wrote, "My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You in a dry and weary land" (Psalm 63:1, 3-4). He declared that God's love was better than life itself, and pledged to praise Him all his days. His faith sustained him throughout life: when he was a shepherd boy protecting sheep from attacks by wild animals, a young man defeating the giant Goliath, and the nation's anointed leader escaping King Saul's murderous plans. Whatever circumstances David found himself in, he sought the Lord and gave priority to their relationship.

David saw God as the source of life: David viewed the world from a God-centered perspective. He was filled with wonder and astonishment at the Lord's creative power in the world. He relied on God for protection and strength, and proclaimed complete dedication and allegiance to Him in his writings. He prayed frequently with strong passion and conviction. He lifted his prayers and petitions to God in the morning and patiently waited on God for His response: “In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). At night he'd continue communing with God: “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night” (Psalm 63:6). Both actions of praying and meditating on God's character, fueled David’s faith and trust in the Lord.

A heart for God begins with a pure heart: The heart represents the seat of our mind, will, and emotions. When we strive to keep it pure, we will more easily discern the Lord’s plan, submit our will to His, and follow Him obediently. Reaching our full potential begins with a desire to obey Him. However, each of us was born with a nature bent away from God. Jeremiah 17:9 describes the heart as deceitful and inclined towards wickedness. The best way to maintain a pure heart is by meditating on Scripture. The Bible is like a mirror in which we see ourselves as God does, in both successes and failures. Expressing genuine repentance brings God’s forgiveness and cleansing (1 John 1:9). Cooperating with the Holy Spirit’s transforming work will also help us keep our hearts clean. Becoming the person God planned for each of us to be requires an intimate relationship with Him and a desire to obey His Word. Apart from Jesus, we can’t achieve anything of lasting value (John 15:5).

How to Hold On

“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil” (Job 1:1).

Job was a model father, completely dedicated to God and his children. His family got along well. His family was wealthy. With plenty of money to go around and everyone getting along so well, it is easy to understand why Job was so dedicated to God, right? Who wouldn’t be happy or content in this kind of environment? But as the story goes we learn that one day, he lost everything (Job 1:13-22). Job was a man who knew trouble and temptation, and yet he boldly claimed, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15). Job had lost his children, home, servants, fortune, and his health, but he refused to abandon his trust in God. Even though Job experienced tremendous loss, he was committed to put his hope and faith in the Lord.

The most telling picture of Job’s faithfulness came as he sat among the ashes, an ancient symbol of mourning, scraping his sores with a piece of broken pottery. His wife, who had experienced the same gut-wrenching losses as Job, offered her advice. In a fit of rage, she verbally attacked Job and his faith in God: “Why not just end it all, Job? Just curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Job knew better. His faith in God didn’t depend on possessions or, for that matter, even his family or his own physical health. He knew that the Ruler of his life had every right to allow such afflictions. He had taken a step deeper than most of us will do: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10).

When we take our eyes off the busyness of day-to-day activity and events, and instead, concentrate on honoring God and following in His ways, we find a consistent peace that carries us through both times of plenty and in need. Commit to trust and follow Him through any setbacks, difficulty, and temptations. God, who never changes, is committed to caring for you in all circumstances and will never leave you or forget you.

Unwavering commitment to trust the Lord in all situations is a cornerstone of unshakable faith. It is easy to be distracted by circumstances and allow them to dictate our emotions. But if that's the case, then when life is good, we're happy; when times are tough, we're frustrated; and when difficulty comes, we're downright miserable and looking for escape in sex, food, alcohol, drugs, work, activity, or give-up all together. Unlike Job, we are fortunate to have Scripture, which reveals God's nature and promises. It is a wise believer who claims those promises when enduring hardship. The Bible tells us that our Father is always good, always just, always faithful, and always trustworthy. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb. 13:8). “Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).

Job went on to live a long and prosperous life. “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first” (Job 42:12). Through it all, Job learned humility, and gained a greater understanding of God’s mercy and grace. Just as Job’s life was restored, our loving Heavenly Father wants to restore you completely. What difficult circumstances are you experiencing that are blocking your faith and hope in the Lord?

Growth is Cultivating Godly Character

Godly character comes from cultivating daily habits like Bible meditation and prayer. The result of those habits is evidence in your character. There are three major reasons why we must learn character. First it reveals the nature of Christ who is the perfect fulfillment of each quality. Second, it is the basis for success in life. Third, it explains why things happen to us (principle of cause and effect).

Attentiveness: Attentiveness is giving your attention to what you value. Attentive people are aware of that which is taking place around them so they can have the right response to them. Attentiveness is considerate, polite, and mindful of others. A person who is attentive is alert and fully aware, quick to understand, watchful and ready to act. “If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.” (1Timothy 3:1).

Obedience: Even though we do not fully understand God’s ways, we are to surrender our lives in obedience to Him. Obedience requires availability, not self-centeredness. God is more interested in our availability than our ability. Godly character places values ahead of feelings. It is doing things for the sake of us instead of it being all about self. Godly character has a transcendence cause: seeing the bigger picture and a larger reality than your own. “You have purified yourselves by obeying the truth” (1Peter 1:22).

Truthfulness: Truth is real, genuine and authentic. Truthful people adjust themselves to actual facts and reality. Godly character is being who you really are with different people, in different circumstances. Its concern is the motive of the heart, instead of reputation and popularity. Truthful people are honorable in principles and intentions. They are fair, sincere, bold, and honest. “A truthful witness gives honest testimony” (Proverbs 12:17).

Thankfulness: Gratefulness and appreciation is an expression of thankfulness. A thankful heart takes great delight and pleasure in his gift or reward. Thankfulness is much more than an emotion; it requires action. We are thankful for our blessings so we joyfully serve and give to others. God knows we are thankful through enthusiastic worship and a humble, cheerful attitude. Thankfulness follows contentment. A person who is content is satisfied with whatever they have. (see Colossians 2:6-7).

Patience: Patience has the ability to be quiet, steady, diligent, and persevere when in difficult circumstances. Patient people are able and willing to endure annoyances, mistakes, and even pain and suffering. Patience is gentleness, persistency, and flexibility. “Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Loyalty: Loyalty is determined, supports and serves a purpose or cause. Loyalty is being a faithful and devoted to a person, group, or place (friend, family, church or country). A person who incorporates loyalty into his character is reliable, dependable and dedicated. Even when the odds are against them, loyalty is courageous and endures. “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house” (Hebrews 3:5).

Wisdom: The wise are discreet (tactful) and prudent (careful, cautious), in what they say and do. Wisdom is having the ability to discern and judge properly as to what is true and correct. Wisdom enlightens and illuminates. Wisdom shows the way, guides and directs. Hating evil is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is righteous and just. Those who seek justice seek what is right and fair. “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). “The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom and humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 15:33).

Resolving conflict through Godly Character Development

People often put up walls thinking that is the only way to protect themselves. Walls provide a false sense of security because they are barriers that keep you locked up in the past. A boundary is an authentic security when personal responsibility is practiced. Practicing boundaries provides freedom to try something different that helps you to move into a meaningful future. Learning to practice boundaries is not without much effort and practice. The Bible offers us this truth: “It is freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

Boundary overview: Boundaries, in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit or border. Personal boundaries are a property line and separate what is yours, and what belongs to another person. We need to take responsibility for what’s inside our property lines and let other’s take responsibility for what belongs to them within their own property lines. Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity, ownership, responsibility, and stewardship. Personal boundaries define your identity, that is who you are and who you are not. We are to be connected to others without losing our own identity and individuality.

Healthy confrontation is love: Learning to connect to others does not come without its challenges. Confrontation is dealing with the hurtfulness and sin in us and others. These can include verbal attacks, control, entitlement, irresponsibility, rebellion, critics, self-centeredness, and many others. Learning to say “no”, or learning to say “stop”, setting limits and enforcing consequences are all part of the boundary setting process. Balance is found when a reasonable issue is discussed in a proper manner. Address behavior patterns more than events. The goal is to resolve conflict. “Make every effort to live in peace with all men” (Hebrews 12:14). We are to accept one another, faults and all, even though we may not approve of their actions. Decide for yourself how much quality time you can afford to invest in those who do not respect your convictions. Ultimately, it is your responsibility and choice for what you allow and permit.

Strength is found in Christ: Our goal is to become more like Christ. Learning to resolve conflict is part of the process. “For we are God’s workmanship” (Ephesians 2:10). “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children” (Ephesians 5:1). God is our refuge and our strength. God has given us His Spirit that lives within to empower us: “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with His power through His Spirit in your inner being” (Ephesians 3:16). The inner being Paul mentions is Godly character: “And I pray that you be rooted and established in love” (Ephesians 3:17).

Think it, say it, and believe it: “My purpose is to develop Godly character and to become more like Christ. I am becoming more responsibility for taking ownership of what belongs to me. I am learning to love others by validating their freedom to think and choose, as they decide for themselves. These Godly principles of truth provide me structure and direction for my life. I will be a good steward of all my own personal aspects God has given me. Amen.”

The Old and New Covenants

What is a covenant? A covenant is a promise or agreement between two parties binding them to undertakings on each other’s behalf. Throughout the history of humanity, God has related to man through His covenants.

The Old Covenant: The Old Testament deals essentially with the Old Covenant. The Covenant of Abraham reveals God’s plan to save a people and take them into His land. The Old Covenant neither brought, nor brings justification to anyone. Justification and salvation could be obtained only in the way of faith. So Abraham and all Old Covenant saints were justified by faith, and the Old Covenant was merely to illustrate that law. The Old Covenant with the nation of Israel and the promise land is a temporary picture of what is accomplished by the New Covenant where Jesus actually purchased a people and will take them to be with Him forever in the new heavens and new earth. The Old or Mosaic Covenant is a legal or works covenant that God made with Israel on Mount Sinai that is brought to an end or fulfilled at the cross. It was never intended to save people but instead its purpose was to increase sin and guilt until the coming of the Savior. The version of law in the Old Covenant era was the Mosaic Law, which included the Ten Commandments. The version of law in the New Covenant era is the law of Christ, which includes the commands of Christ that pertain to the New Covenant era and the commands of his Apostles.

The New Covenant: The New Testament deals essentially with the new covenant. However, the new covenant does not actually begin with the four Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. For the most part, these four books deal with the life of Jesus before the Cross. The new covenant begins after the resurrection of Jesus, and represents God’s grace and unmerited favor. The New Covenant is the covenant of grace in which Jesus purchased a people by his death on the cross so that all those for whom he died will receive full forgiveness of sins and become incurable God-lovers.

To understand the New Covenant we look the entire Bible as a progressive revealing of the Covenant of Grace, and that includes the Old Covenant. It carries over the old order into the new in the sense that it is understood that the Old Covenant laws are not done away with (made null and void); rather they are fulfilled or completed (for the believer only) in Christ. In this way, the old conditional promise has become new and unconditional. The scriptures also teach that the Old Covenant laws are still binding, but we can only fully keep them in Christ Jesus. In Him alone we keep them perfectly. In other words, He is our Sabbath of rest that we will keep forever, and He is our daily or continual sacrifice, our Lamb of atonement. Jesus taught that what He came to do in His life, and the work that He accomplished, was the fulfillment and the true substance of all the Old Covenant 'shadows or types' that merely prefigured it. Those laws are all still kept in Him. Are you living under the Covenant of grace or are you living under the Covenant of the Law?

Proven Faith

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:8-9).

Faith is one of the most central themes in the Bible and central elements in the Christian walk. Faith is the means by which we enter into salvation. From then onward, our faith, or lack of it, shapes our lives and determines what happens to us when loss, difficulties, and set-backs come. Some Christians never lose their firm beliefs, but others become fearful when problems arise. To understand why this is true, we need to examine the source of our faith.

Inherited faith: If you grew up in a Christian home, you probably adopted some of the beliefs of your parents. This kind of godly foundation is a wonderful gift from the Lord, but eventually, each person must assume responsibility for his own beliefs.

Textbook faith: The Bible is the ultimate guide for establishing our beliefs. But that’s not the only source of influence. Books, preachers, teachers, and friends all impact our convictions. Our theology may be sound, but faith is merely mental acceptance until it’s put to the test.

Proven Faith: Only when we trust the Lord through the fires of adversity will we have faith that can stand. It is no longer based on what others have told us or what we’ve accepted as true but on our firsthand experience of His faithfulness.

To evaluate your faith, consider how you react when trouble appears. Do you press closer to God or do you get angry at Him? Is your attitude one of praise and thankfulness because He’s making you more like Jesus, or are you bitter? No one can escape problems in life, but those with proven faith will benefit from it.