Welcome to How to Change and Grow

Welcome to How to Change and Grow. The answers to life is found in seeking the Creater of life. We serve a good God. He wants to help us. God's Word guides and directs our steps while the Holy Sprit empowers us to transform, mature, prosper and more. The fullness of God's love brings us to beyond striving, to satisfying all our needs and anything we could ever hope or wish for. God's way IS a better way! God bless you as you learn HIS WAYS to change and grow.

November 16, 2012

Managing a Child’s Anger


Ideally, managing your anger is learned during childhood and improved throughout the growing stages of life. Sadly, many adults were not properly guided in using healthy anger during their own childhoods. Their bad habits were then passed on to the next generation, continuing until someone steps forward to break the cycle. The following are six keys to handling a child’s anger:

Don’t be threatened by your child’s anger: When we respond in fear to a child’s anger, we communicate, “You are a very powerful force in my life and I have to overwhelm you to teach you anything.” If you easily caught in power plays or if you often speak intensely to your child, you may be exhibiting unresolved fears that are manifested as defensiveness and reveal how threatened you are. Instead, quietly hold firm to your rightful authority. Be fair and don’t attempt to oversell your position.   

Let choices and consequences shape the child: When a child is rude or disruptive, most adults want their child to stop the behavior. Often, they tell the child how to think by giving lectures and follow up with threats. The child’s anger increases because the adult is not letting the child make choices. Instead, encourage your child to take greater responsibility for his or her anger. Ask them what options they have to manage their frustration. Keep putting it back onto them to make a choice that makes the most sense. Teach them that some choices have unfavorable consequences. They will soon learn to pick a different option with a more positive outcome.

Don’t preach: Our greatest impact on our children is not in the words we speak but in the way we deliver those words. When we speak too strongly it implies disrespect, lack of trust, and personal insecurity. Instead, keep an even tone. You are showing your children how to disagree without being disagreeable and that differentness does not have to result in conflict.

Don’t major in the minors: Too often we expend excessive energy on issues of little significance, increasing the atmosphere of unnecessary anger. When a seven-year-old spills a drink on the kitchen floor the parent complains repeatedly about the child’s clumsiness, warning it cannot be tolerated. When we respond this way, the important matters of relationship including respect, encouragement, and empathy, take a back seat to perfectionism, selfishness, impatience, and petty preferences. Learn to choose your battles, let minor issues remain minor, and your child’s anger will be minimized.

Share your own experiences: When parents refuse to be vulnerable with their children, they create an atmosphere of phoniness and false superiority, and the child resents it. Instead, be real and authentic so communication is increased. You will become more believable and therefore, more approachable. This removes the pressure for them to be perfect, and anger is reduced.

Incorporate spiritual insights delicately: Anger management is ultimately a function of spiritual maturity. Children need guidance to incorporate biblical truths into their daily lives. Learn to communicate in deeper ways. Take common situations and ask them to apply spiritual values to those situations. Encourage a thirst for knowledge about biblical truths and your child’s beliefs will be less legalistic and more personally meaningful. 

November 7, 2012

Anger reflects inferiority feelings


Anger involves standing up for your basic needs, which implies that you feel you’re in a down position at that moment. In its best use, anger elevates you from a low position to one of equality with the person who is being disrespectful. But when you feel too strongly compelled to stand up for your needs, you are struggling too powerfully with the feeling of being put down.

Everyone feels inferior at times: Have you ever asked yourself why you are often impatient in spite of your desire to be otherwise? Do you get caught in critical thinking patterns even though you want to be more positive? Have you treated family members insensitively and later regretted that you hadn’t acted as kindly as you knew you should? We all have had moments like these. Despite our good intentions, something keeps us from being what we perceive to be as perfect. That something is our natural bent toward sin. In moderating your anger it can be helpful to be aware of two common traps: (1) the trap of succumbing to inferiority feelings and (2) the trap of attempting to be falsely superior.

We succumb to inferiority feelings: Somehow we learn to think we are less than acceptable because of our humanness. For some, their self-esteem is tied closely to their latest performance. Or maybe they were treated unfairly by someone in authority. Whatever the situation, the message is “you are not as perfect as you should be.”

We seek false superiority: When feelings of inferiority come upon us, we look for an escape. The most common is to seek an edge of superiority. When you react to difficulties with the thought “I’ve got to get the upper hand”, you are declaring war. This brings out the worst in your own personality and in the other person. The key to healthy anger is to communicate it with respect.

Recognizing equality: To avoid the inferior-superior trap, we must acknowledge that we are all equal in human value. Because of pride and arrogance we might be inclined to think we are better than a criminal. No one can determine the value of another human until they experience all the obstacles he had to face. We didn’t grow up with the same parents, the same teachers, peers or social relationships. We don’t have the same genetic makeup or inborn temperament. The point is, it is folly to try to compare our human values because we don’t have the same playing fields. When we are emotionally prompted to preserve our worth, needs, or convictions, we will have no desire to gain an upper hand or insult the other person as a means of elevating ourselves.

Minimizing evaluations: Human beings are obsessed with evaluative standings. We feel compelled to grade the performance. Our self-esteem then rises or falls based on the latest report card. A strong emphasis on evaluation coupled with the inevitable inability to be perfect leads to frustration and anger. Accept feedback and be willing to learn, but don’t let your emotional stability hang on the latest evaluation. Sidestepping human evaluations keeps us from being aggressive and competitive. Rather than getting lured into false games of superiority, we are more capable of seeing people for what they are: fellow sinners who have an equal need for God’s grace. 

November 1, 2012

Loneliness creates Anger


You do not have to remain in a rut of isolation and loneliness. You can make the choice to minimize this problem by adjusting your thoughts and activities. Successful anger management requires a willingness to come out of your shell and make yourself known.

Why we feel lonely: Loneliness is the emotion of isolation and the uncomfortable awareness that gaps exist in your relationships. Something seems to be missing. Acceptance from others does not come as often as you would like. The persons you want to be close to, does not share your relational goals. You become more frustrated by working harder at keeping relations going than your friends, relatives, or others do. You find yourself yearning to be with someone other than the person you are with. Anger can be reduced when the causes of those gaps is understood. A sinful nature, neglecting relationships, and failure to state needs successfully are the primarily causes of why we feel lonely.  

Our sinful nature: We say we feel lonely because of frustrated relationships, painful pasts, or poor social skills. Ultimately, we feel lonely because sin causes us to be separated from God which keeps us from fully knowing relationship and experiencing contentment. One of the first emotional results of the fall was loneliness. In fear, Adam hid from God and from his wife. He was ashamed to reveal himself fully. Looking for ways to cover up his vulnerabilities, he became evasive and phony. Since then, every person has experienced the feelings of loneliness. Feelings of isolation are inevitable in each of us.   

We neglect relationships: Our sinful nature causes in us, a vulnerability to loneliness.  Neglecting relationships is also partially to be at blame. We can be too busy with work, errands, and activities and overlook the more important stuff like meaningful dialogue and sharing personal rewarding time with other adults. Being too busy is not the only way to neglect relational growth. We can also be lazy about making the effort to maintain satisfactory ties with others. While achieving career goals and meeting schedules are important and should not be neglected, it is important to prioritize the most important goal and that is to relate, first with God, and then with others.     

We do not state our needs successfully: Anger increases, when we perceive others care very little about our personal needs. We think, “Why can’t people just understand what I need?” Of course no one can read minds so instead, we need to find more successful ways of communicating. Negative communication patterns to avoid or change is when you try too hard to persuade others that your needs are legitimate or if you defend your position too powerfully. People will get the impression that you lack confidence in what you are saying, so they don’t take you seriously. The result leaves you feeling disconnected and then angry. Instead, start by taking the insistence and intensity out of your voice. When you have a legitimate need, state it in an even tone of voice and be succinct. Know what it is you want to say in a compact, precise expression without wasted words. There is no guarantee others will respond to your needs once you’ve shared them. But by presenting yourself in a more composed manner, you will not receive the rejection as powerfully.